I've been excited for the party all week, but today I started to get awfully nervous. I started drinking before I left, hoping it would loosen me up a bit. I tend to overanalyze everything and then become like a deer in headlights in social situations.
It started off well when we were in a smaller group, mostly made up of my classmates. Soon, however, there were so many people you could barely move. All the girls were so beautiful and trendy. I thought girls in America were impressive-- these women have style! I instantly could tell I was going to have to put a bit more effort into myself if I wanted to catch a beau. Overall, I had fun, but I was quite uncomfortable. I spent most of the night running about, trying to find someone to talk to as not to feel completely out of the loop. I'd spend a moment talking to someone, then a new person would step in and hug my friend-- off they would go. I'd be left standing there, feeling like I'd gone to a bar alone.
I could tell though, that if I was more comfortable, it would have been a great party. It reminded me of CAID in many ways, right down to the sloppy, muddy floor. I know six months is a long time to get to know people, and Shonagh said some really kind things to me before I left about how well I fit in. I wish I felt that way. Everyone is so incredibly nice that I already can tell it won't be long before it gets better. I just don't quite feel like I have a place yet. It's so hard going from being the loudest, extroverted party-thrower in Detroit to the quiet new girl here in Edinburgh. It's not a role I'm particularly used to, and it makes me a bit sad. I'm used to being the one who is dancing on people, pouring the drinks, or ripping my pants open on accident. Standing alone is a new one (nobody puts baby in the corner).
I'm trying to keep my chin up. I know I have a lot of time here, and I'm just getting started. First party survived. Now it's time for some sleep, and tomorrow is another day.