Not that I've been particularly good about updating anyway, but I am writing to say that I am going away to London and Barcelona until April 6th. I won't be taking my laptop, but I will make notes, so I can update when I get back.
I get really nervous before I travel. I don't know why.
I just watched The Science of Sleep again, and so I feel really strange.
Keep your eyes on the mail box because there are sure to be surprises heading everyone's way.
Sooo, my tragus is so infected and swollen that it has completely closed my ear. My tragus is literally so enormous that it has filled the entire hole that once collected sound waves. It touches the back of my ear.
My nose piercings have gotten infected before, but after some diligent cleaning and not-touching, it's always gone away. This one is just getting worse and worse though, and I'm starting to get really nervous about it.
Green pus = bad sign.
Giant bloody abscess = bad sign.
Ear swelling shut = bad sign.
Hot to the touch = bad sign.
I gotta get to a pharmacist tomorrow because I don't have a doctor here.
Please don't let my ear fall off, please please please please.
I keep telling myself that it's really not me or my fault. It's weird though-- that I've never struggled with self-esteem or body image issues before I came here, and now, it's practically all I think about. Something about this place has made me super self-conscious and uncomfortable. I constantly feel unattractive, and it's really starting to bother me. I've never had this problem before, so I don't exactly know how to shut it off.
I'm always conscious of what I'm wearing and how others are looking at me. I can't stand going to bars because I always feel like everyone is looking at me in a bad way... or worse, not looking at me at all. It's kind of sick... I've never been this kind of person. Ever, ever, ever. I've always felt confident, and I've never really found it hard to communicate with the opposite sex. Now, my first thought when approaching a guy on a night out is, "He's probably going to think, 'Oh fuck. I'm stuck talking to the ugly friend.'" These negative feelings... they happen mostly when I am out with Lindsey and Sara-- to the point where I often walk home alone, almost in tears.
I know it's ridiculously dumb, but for some reason, I can't shake it.
I think I need to switch up something about my lifestyle. Not sure where to start, but I really don't want this to ruin my experience here.
So, St. Patty's day went down, and I don't know what to say about it other than I wish I would get more comfortable with my camera in public. Sara, Lindsey, and I had dinner together at Monster Mash followed by jello shots back at Lindsey's. Afterward, we went to a few irish pubs around Edinburgh, the best and last being Dropkick Murphy's on Merchant Street. This is where I wish I had been more brave and taken photos. Unfortunately, my only photos from the night are from jello shots at Linds' beforehand.
Anyway, the pub was good for the first few hours. I had too many pints of cider though, and not so surprisingly, I was feeling way too intimidated to talk to any guys. I ended up stumbling home around midnight. It was an alright night. Nothin to write home about though.
After eating an entire pizza to myself yesterday and finding the pizza box on the floor next to my bed this morning... I decided enough was enough. I made an account on allrecipes.com, and I started myself a recipe box. Planned out a few lunches and dinners, went to the grocery store for the ingredients, and cooked up my first real meal.
Mexican chicken was a smashing success, and it's fun to cook! I'm a total clutz in the kitchen-- I can never get the timing right, so I'm surprised I pulled this off. Felt so good to have a real meal in my stomach, but I still miss my dad's cooking.
6:45am. The plushie record player is done. It's not exactly how I imagined it, but I'm alright with it. Never got around to doing my resume, cover letter, or pdf portfolio though. Ack! Regardless, I think I've earned a 2 hour nap before I head into the studio.
I almost forgot what it was like to pull an all-nighter.
I made a giant elephant out of 4 pieces of mount board tonight. The elephant is Bernie, and the mouse is Biscuit. They are big and friendly, and I am hoping they will bring pleasant dreams to my bedroom.
Glasgow was good. I wasn't completely impressed with the city itself, but it may have just been the rain. We went to Wagamama's for lunch and then did a bit of shopping. I got a dress for the party and a new scarf from Zara's, but I didn't think the shops were that different from what I get in America. We got ready at Luke's and had an amazing home-cooked meal courtesy of his momma. Had drinks and listened to Nick Cave. So lovely.
Jamie's party was at Ibrox, which was actually kind of incredible. We had access to a balcony overlooking the field. Some random rugby player taught me how to take two shots at once? It was kind of intense. I spent most of the night with Tom Carlile, and it was actually quite nice to get to know him a bit better. Fell asleep sandwiched between him and Allan in Luke's bed. Worst night sleep ever, but it's all gravy.
The train ride home the next day seemed to last for ages. I slept for two day's straight when I finally got home.
Derek asked me about my video today, and it's probably because I look better with a mustache. How unfortunate.
Today was honestly just... strange. I had my midterm assessment (finally), and it was nothing to write home about. Basically, it was fine, minus the "one-trick pony" comment--which was irrelevant. They told me they would like me to try more than one approach to my projects, which is funny because professors back home told me I need to be more focused. How about I just... make stuff, and it'll be all cool, mmk?
On the whole I'm bummin' a bit. I'm quite disappointed in ECA as an art college--tutors, curriculum, critique, resources. A bit of a shamble really. I'm not progressing as a designer at all here. Stagnant pond water.
The people, however, are smashing.
It's a bit frustrating sometimes though--being the exchange student. It's a constant line of wanting to feel at home and not wanting to get too attached. I'm impatient with relationships, and I'm always pushing. I get really frustrated when I want things I can't have. You can't win over everyone, and you certainly can't force people to want to get to know you. Some people get where I'm coming from, but for others, perhaps I'm a bit too forward for their liking?
this is the work of philip. i've always loved it, but today it is especially good.
i was hung over in the morning, and it lead to a sort of sour mood. i was feeling really sadistic all day, to be honest. realizing how insanely creepy that is, i kept my earplugs in and listened to lots of black eyes.
i gotta cool down in my quest for the page of cups.
i really can't stand myself these past few weeks.
the behavior (or lack of) of others is really affecting me in the most typical way.
Today was slightly eventful. I started off my morning with the most ridiculous lecture on Adobe Acrobat, lasting two hours. I took video for your amusement. See the bottom of the post for a clip from the most boring lecture of all time.
I gave my presentation shortly afterward--went fine I suppose. Derek informed us that Ecommo (the company I did the branding project for) decided not to use any of our designs, but they want to contact me to do a branding book for them since they liked my work so much. It's not everything, but at least it's something.
Most importantly::::: I went to my first dance class at Dancebase in Grassmarket today! I was quite nervous, seeing as I couldn't even figure out how to open the door to the changing room. ha. I haven't taken a dance class in almost 4 years, and I'm fatter with a smoking habit now. It turned out to be great though. There was only one boy in the class, and he was a bit intimidating. His arms were like machine guns, ha.
It was "contemporary," so it was a bit of modern-style jazz. We danced to a live guitar player (very cool), and most of it was stuff I remembered. I'm a bit stiff with my movements, but it's hard to throw your head around when you're just learning the footwork. I'm looking forward to making it a regular thing. It's nice to get sweaty and not feel like you are being tortured as you do when running on a treadmill. Maybe I'll meet a handsome straight dance boy and finally pull in the UK.
HA. In my dreams.
Afterward, a girl named Jane told me I should go to the class on Wednesday afternoons. Supposedly, it's less modern and a bit more stage. Sounds good to me. I'll have to see how my legs feel in the morning. I've already got a blister forming.
Please try to imagine this lasting for 2 hours. Feel my pain?
Today was a miss in terms of interesting happenings. I stayed up late putting together my presentation on which companies I'm going to apply to for work placement. I've decided on Jean Jullien, Peepshow Collective, Nous Vous, Why Not Associates, and The Touch Agency.
You're looking at the title slide of my presentation. Can you sense my lack of enthusiasm?
I chatted with Luke today about our travel plans for May. Looks like he is going to spend two nights in Edinburgh, and then we are going to visit Amsterdam, Bruges, and Paris. CHA-CHING! Couldn't be more stoked, but I hope Derek will allow me to skip out on a week in the studio to do it. >.<
The best part of the conversation with Luke was when he said the most brilliantly true thing: "I was just thinking about when I met you at the Apparition Cafe years ago-- who knew I'd be traveling Europe with this girl."
We are the oddest friends. And yet... it works.
Can't stop listening to Patrick Wolf. I'm getting really insanely impatient waiting for the new album to be released. It's going to change my life, I can tell already.
Also, my tragus is infected. No pain, but god does it look awful. I brought some anti-biotics from home, so hopefully it will clear up. If a mushroom grows out of my ear, I'm going to fry it up and eat it.