Sunday, December 12, 2010

12/12/10 :: See you when I resurface

You don't have to keep track of anyone else to keep track of yourself. There are no deadlines for introspection, and you only have yourself to hold accountable when you fall behind. You can't get jealous at someone else for doing it better, and you can't be embarrassed about anything (because no one will ever know).

Do I think having the $70 shower curtain will make me a freer spirit? Not really. But I guess it's always been in my imaginary bathroom– the one that I imagine myself having when I'm happier. The details of my future life are more real to me than the reality of the one I'm living now. Sometimes that terrifies me, and other times I rationalize that as ambition. I'm not clear on which is wise and which is delusion. (Your opinion is as useless as mine by the way.)

I spend so much time alone that I am working so much out in my head. Without making contact with people, I've sorted out and/or dissolved friendships, cleared messes, and put to rest issues. Imagine spring garage cleaning without ever stepping foot into the garage.

I'm learning to depend on myself, and while I've strived for this for so long– it's starting to scare me a little too. Where is the balance? Why is there never a balance of socialization versus isolation? Why am I always plummeting headfirst into dark oceans when it comes to decisions and states-of-mind?

I will resurface. But I'm not sure when.