Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Don’t let your imagination be crushed by life as a whole.
Don’t try to picture everything bad that could possibly happen.
Stick with the situation at hand, and ask,
“Why is this so unbearable? Why can’t I endure it?”
You’ll be embarrassed to answer–it all can be endured.
Then remind yourself that past and future have no power over you.
Only the present – and even that can be minimized.
Just mark off its limits.
And if your mind tries to claim that it can’t hold out against that ...
well, then, heap shame upon it.-Marcus Aurelius
Monday, September 6, 2010
I'm not Mr. Cash, of course, so-- I'll do what I can. I'll pace circles in my carpet. I'll lie on my back and watch my ceiling fan, reruns, ceiling fan, reruns. I'll check my email six times a day, maybe more. And I'll make false statements to myself about my general outlook.
I'll make lists. I'll refuse to make any more lists. I'll think about taking down old lists, and instead I'll make a declaration of "I'll do that tomorrow." Sometimes they fall down themselves, which is cool because then I don't have to think about them anymore.
It's not surprising that another summer has somehow passed. It's not surprising that we are on the brink of another winter that is bound to test the limits of my sanity.
If I was Johnny Cash, boredom would be taken with a stride.
I've got a lot of stuff. Between material things-- (things that I'm always tripping over because, frankly, I don't even have enough space for all the shit I own), and emotional things-- (things that I also manage to trip over from time to time), I am completely on overload. SO... I'm having a garage sale.
John Lennon illustrated portrait (matted)- $2
X-small Patrick Wolf teeshirt- $3
Veggietale's Larry the talking Cucumber toy- $1
The bags under my eyes- $1
The overflowing laundry basket- $2
Moodswings- $1.50 (each)
Friday, August 20, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
If I wake at 6am to have enough time to shower and drive to work before 8am, and if after a long stint of traffic I arrive home from work at 6pm, I have spent 12 hours of my 24-hour day consumed with work. Of this remaining 12 hours, according to tradition, I will sleep 8 hours away. On a given work day then... I have only 4 hours to live my life.
You can only imagine then how pressing it is to use these few precious hours in a way that is both relaxing and fulfilling--and these two things rarely come packaged together in the same activity. I read a lot now. I watch a lot of films. I relish little trips to town to buy myself small pleasures like gummy bears or a new novel. And you can bet I'm wearing dirty clothes because I almost never have the heart to waste these hours doing laundry.
Well anyway, a lot of this time is fittingly spent wondering what I should be doing rather than doing it, whatever it is. And as a true American through-and-through (despite however much I wish to deny it) I want myself to do things that are both self-bettering (productive) and pleasurable. An American might easily interchange the word "pleasurable" in that sentence with the word selfish-- I don't think an American ever really does anything pleasurable without feeling guilty about it. Pleasure usually means naughty, naughty means guilty, guilty usually means selfish, and if we are selfish, we probably aren't bettering ourselves, are we? As much as I've tried to beat this mindset out of myself, I can't. It's who I am because I am a product of my country. I was raised this way.
It's funny though that when I consult my records (my writing on Scotland--in this blog specifically, though not exclusively), I mostly wrote very surface and action-based reports. "Today I went here, and I drank this much, and I met this person, and it was good. End."
But of course, this is rarely where my mind goes when I think back to Scotland. I find the most pleasure in thinking of the little things... stretching my mind, if you will... by challenging myself to remember the tiny details of what I like to consider my secret second life there.
It's a Tuesday morning in March, and it's around 10:30am. Sunlight and street voices are simultaneously pouring in through my only window which is next to my bed where a night stand should be. It's enough to wake me because I don't use an alarm clock anymore, and I've had my window open since I arrived in January. I squirm in bed, wriggling out of my red satin sheets like a snake losing its skin. I can hear bagpipes playing, and they are coming to me all the way from Princes Street. I try to imagine all of the people pushing past one another in front of the shops there, and it makes me hesitant to get up.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
This blog has served more like a diary than anything else over the past year and more. My other movie blog is much more structured and project-based, and although I don't think this blog needs structure, perhaps it could benefit from more productivity.
I've been writing mostly in my private journal lately, as my emotions and physical recovery have been the focus for the past few weeks. In an effort to get back to my normal self, I am going to try to open things back up here.
Look forward to some new recipes, design, thoughts, and such soon.
Thanks for the well wishes and the patience as well.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Broken pelvis. Broken tailbone.
Morphine. Pain pills. IV.
Walkers. Canes. Wheelchairs.
Rehab. Physical therapists.
Now I'm home, and the excitement is over.
I quit smoking today. I set the goal long ago-- "I'll quit smoking the day after my 23rd birthday."
I actually never really was sure if I was going to do it or not.
But surprisingly, I acted like a robot this morning. I smoked my last cigarette on the front porch, and as soon as I was done, I made my mom drive me to the pharmacy to get Nicorette.
The withdrawal headache is the worst part so far, and the gum doesn't really seem to do anything about that.
I'm having my first piece just now though-- made it through the whole day without it.
Hoping to turn a lot of things around about my life right now. It's hard to stay positive, but I'm doing my best.
That's all I can say for right now.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
On the whole, I am doing very well. I have a few pieces out on the board, and it's my turn to roll.
I'm going to bed now at 6am after a long night of red wine on the couch in Schvee's garage. We had some good talks about the future... and the past actually. Little discussion of the present, which I guess doesn't need much explaining. We are living it together.
Tomorrow will go smoothly if I will it. Looking forward to that.
This sleep is going to be so. so so so so. good.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
If everybody had an ocean
Across the U.S.A.
Then everybody'd be surfin'
You'd see 'em wearin' their baggies
Huarachi sandals, too
A bushy bushy blonde hairdo
ONLY 31 DAYS AWAY. <3
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I've moved back home to Pittsburgh, and I am living with my parents while I sort out a job/apartment. I'd been dreading this move for such a long time, but now that I've done it, it actually has been really good to me. The stress is miles away, and I've been enjoying summer days of bike riding, book reading, car washing, badminton, mocha frapps, trips to the city, and all other sorts of mini-joys. The best part of it is the weather making it so easy to fill up my days. Every morning I awake and think I hear rain-- I pull back the shade, and WALA! Gorgeous summer day. It's like my brain just refuses to believe that this kind of weather happens to people like me.
The job-front is a war I'm currently fighting. I've had one awesome interview, and it has resulted in a test project. I've been tinkering around with it for a few days now, and I am getting anxious to know where it will lead.
Oh, I also cut 8 inches of my hair off and dyed it blonde. So that's awesome too.
My family is starting to buzz with the news of our beach trip to California. We went last year, and now it is a yearly event. What makes it 5 billion times more exciting is the fact that my amazing friend from Edinburgh is coming with me. The day is approaching super fast, but it still can't get here soon enough. So much has happened since we first hatched this plan-- and now that the major college obstacles are behind me, it is making the wait even MORE excruciating.
It's my favorite part of the summer day right now-- 7pm. Sun is just setting, the breeze kicks in, and it's ALLLL good.
Back to work though. Ay dios.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Some of the more obvious goals I am looking forward to achieving are quitting smoking and losing the college weight. One of the not-so-obvious goals is to get involved in some sort of organization. I've contemplated becoming an active member of the AIGA upon graduation, and while this is still interesting to me-- it's not exactly the most burning cause is it?
The past few weeks, a few events have been setting some wheels in motion in my head. For one, reading about the Phoebe Prince case really struck a nerve with me. Secondly, this semester especially, I've witnessed quite a few classless acts from some of my classmates in terms of respecting other people's design work.
In high school, I dealt with an enormous amount of bullying. While I know it was never fair and certainly never justified-- when multiple groups of people aim themselves at making fun of you, you have to wonder if you're doing something that might be attracting so much negative attention. I've always been outspoken and proud about who I am and what I'm doing-- and a part of me always wondered if I may have brought some of that attention upon myself. Now that those days are far behind me, I know that it doesn't matter WHAT I did in high school-- I never deserved the treatment I received from those malicious people. Much of my time in high school, I was very, very depressed and self-conscious, and a lot of my problems were directly related to the bullying that I encountered daily.
It's a sensitive subject with me. A hugely sensitive subject. It's a practice that happens in every single high school, and most of the time, the kids are too stupid to realize that their actions are really, truly hurtful to people. And even worse-- some DO realize it, and that is the pay-off.
I'd like to think that after a few years out of high school these people realized how wrong their behavior was, but in all likelihood... that's not the case. And while a million teachers and discipliners can stick their heads into the problem, I know from experience and past perspective that it really doesn't get through. The last person that is going to make a high schooler think twice about their actions is a school principal, and often, I'm sure they only make matters worse. Maybe there is someway I can use my age/experience to help others.
So anyway, this is something I think I'd like to become involved in-- some sort of anti-bullying program. Whether it's outreach to students who are dealing with it-- or talking to people who may be inflicting that kind of pain on other students. I'm lightly researching some organizations, but as of yet, I haven't found one that is asking for more than money and awareness. Two things that I don't really think do much for anyone.
I'm going to keep looking around, but I just wanted to toss it out there. Get it down on 'paper' so to speak, so I feel my thoughts become more stable.
Looking forward to a life outside of the school environment. Looking forward to doing some things that are going to be good for me-- in a less self-centered way.
Friday, April 16, 2010
The first is a laser-cutting project where we had to choose an environment, create a narrative, and then use laser-cutting to create a typographic sculpture for our narrative. My environment is my bed, and my narrative is: In my sleep, I can I live the life I want.
The form is a modern interpretation of a dream-catcher and is 36x64". It will be suspended at an angle (almost parallel) over my bed. It's made of 6 panels of white bristol, and the laser-cutting was thanks to Zoyes Creative Group in Ferndale, Michigan.
The panels will be sewn together with clear thread.
The following is a create-your-own-typeface project. We had to choose an environment and then design a typeface for it. My environment was Edinburgh, Scotland, and my typeface is pulled directly from the map of Edinburgh. The upper-half of each glyph is pulled from a section of Edinburgh's northern and griddy New Town, while the bottom half is from the winding, southern Old Town map. The typeface will also include a series of dingbats that are icons for some of the attractions of Edinburgh. Each character is hand-drawn in Illustrator and then imported, spaced, and kerned with Font Lab. The typeface will eventually be showcased in two 30x40" posters, which are still under construction.
These are just two of the 8 or 9 projects I have going on right now.
I've been busy, jah.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Ollie and I have been spending loads of quality time together too. Movie nights and early morning coffees by the window.
Reworked version of my 3-DIMENSIONAL poster from my Advanced VisCom I last semester. It's a crappy screenshot + photo mockup of what the finished thing will look like. New layout and typography.
An original typeface I'm creating for my Typography IV class this semester. This is the very first sketch/drawing-- we had to just form the letters for 'Yankee Doodle went to town.' We had to choose an object, location, or event to inspire the typeface. My typeface is inspired my coffee sessions in Edinburgh. :D
Snuggling down with my bebes <3
Courtney and I went shoppppinngggg. I got some new things for spring! :)
Friday, March 5, 2010
Typography IV: B+
Advanced VisCom II: A
This upcoming week is huge for me, emotionally and work-wise. It's spring break, yes, but for me-- it is going to be the week that I really have the opportunity to pull my life together. I have tons of work to do for my portfolio class, as well as my senior thesis. I've been slipping farther and farther behind on reworking my projects for my portfolio, and I have mountains of work to do for the classes I'll be missing the week after break for NYC. It is my absolute dream right now to finish out my last 7 weeks of my college education feeling prepared, organized, and in-charge of my work. I couldn't stand to continue on OR end my college career the haphazard way they've been these past few weeks.
Also, my parents are coming for a short visit tomorrow night. Josh is leaving this evening for a week in Florida, so I extended an impromptu invitation for my parents to come up to the city and see Detroit. They've never stayed with me here, and we've never really gotten along peacefully for longer than 10 minutes. I invited them up to do something fun here, and to try to show them that I am responsible and I DO have a life here in Detroit. Their view of the city is that is a horrible place, and I hope that showing them the reality of my life here might help them understand that it's not such an open-and-shut case that I'm going right home after graduation. I also want to at least TRY to make a step forward in our daughter-parental relationship, since the past 4 years have been rather terrible between us.
That said, all this is leading up to my trip to NYC next week, where I'll be seeing Shannon, Shonagh, and a few other legendary Scotland friends. The reason I'm so adamant about this week being so successful is that I've been looking forward to NYC being fabulous for months now. It would be so great for me to be able to go and leave my organized, ready-to-go school life back here in Detroit, and just have a week to focus on the other parts of myself. My thirst for friendships, travel, freedom... I want to be able to do nothing but enjoy myself all week long. I know it's in my power, but it's going to require a lot of preparation to acquire that state of mind.
SO, here goes nothing.
wash kitchen floor
take trash down to dumpsters
finish re-organizing workspace
Spring Break tasks:
-Typography IV homework (typeface ideation/sketches) + email to Chad
-Senior Thesis ideation/research + email to Zack
-Finish reworking Ecommo project (website/letterhead/business card)
-Rework 3D poster
-Rework Sweet Bee's Annual Report
-Revise Self-Identity/Research "Sharing" interface
-Ideation/Production of Voicemail Installation
-Mail Joe's package
-Purchase new book
-Clean out/back-up laptop
SO much to do.
But I'm too determined to fail.
Only a little bit longer, and I'm not going to crumble in the end.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
I don't know about you, but I am absolutely SICK of seeing this kind of bullshit on design blogs, circulating around the design world. There's gotta be at least 9 million of these super stupid sayings being posted around, being called interesting works of design. Who likes this kind of trendy bullshit?
This has been going on for years in the design community. And I wish it would stop.
Every time I see one, I actually want to barf a little.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
DETROIT (photo cred: Danny Jacobs)
When I start to post the date in the subject line, the drop-down shows me the name of the post I created in 2009. Today, one year ago, I was booking hostels in Barcelona. AGH!
Lately, my life has been a bit of a droning chaos-- if you can imagine such a thing. Sprained ankle. Frustrated friendships. Justin Bieber. Funk night. Messy desk. The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant. All the while, however, I'm never feeling or experiencing much of anything beyond white noise.
I've been having lots of long, sleepless nights lately. No matter how tired I am, I can never seem to get a full night's sleep. Although last night this changed with the remedy of alcohol (I'm not sure that even counts). Anyway, beside that, these nights have been full of lots of movie-watching and contemplating. Mostly about NYC in 2 weeks and the beach with Joe.
I try as best I can not to think about where I'm going to be in 3 months. What am I going to do?
The mounting pressures of graduation are paralyzing.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
In reality, I just close my eyes, and I put my hands over my face. I sit very still, and I try to remember the way people sounded when they said something to me that I found very moving or special. My eyelids start fluttering and my forehead wrinkles up. My hands tremble, and my ears get hot. I can feel myself blushing in my own hands.
Sometimes it's truly overwhelming to love life as much as I do. And very hurtful to remember beautiful things and wonder if something as special will ever happen again. It always does. There's always something on the horizon. I am not fearful or regretful. I just want to keep them all forever. Just as clearly as they happened in that moment, right up there. In my head. So I can visit it whenever I want.
I swear my brain has a heartbeat.
Pulse pulse pulse.
I've been so blessed.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
This is a picture I took of Joe as we were waiting for the train to London. We said that if we met again in Edinburgh, this would be our "spot." It's (shoddily) painted on a page from Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf.
I think I'm going to do this more often.
meet me at the bridge, love.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I finished my wood-working trophy wife project, and it's on display in the Taubman.
I also registered for graduation yesterday, which was both liberating and somewhat numbing. I see leaving CCS as an extremely positive thing, but I am not quite sure what lies beyond that. I'm torn between imagining myself in the happiest, most inspired conditions against living in my parents house and struggling through interview after interview in downtown Pittsburgh.
Whenever I'm in Detroit, I feel like I ride from one broken engagement/promise onto the next, stuffing my face with snack food and cigarettes all along the way.
Turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
no one on my side
I was fighting, but I just feel too tired
to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side,
but you're long gone.
Yeah, you're long gone now.
Where do we go?
I don't even know.
My strange old face,
and just thinking about those days.
I'm thinking about those days.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
This is from Kate McGarrigles' last performance this winter before her untimely death due to cancer at age 63 this week. It's a song she wrote about her daughter (also a brilliant musician), Martha Wainwright, who is seen performing with her here. The song is based on the myth of Persephone (Proserpina in Latin), a daughter who has been tricked into marrying the god of the underworld and can only resurface for 6 months of the year. This song is from the view of the mother, the goddess of gifts such as food, warmth, etc. It's about how, in her wrath and misery for her daughter's yearly departure, she controls the seasons and plagues.
Brings me to tears. Enjoy.
RIP Kate McGarrigle.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
When I look back at my first two years at CCS, I see a very different person from who I have become today. I used to lecture people on the importance of college, and I used to elevate my work to a holy level. I was invigorated by every new challenge, and the way I looked at the work in design annuals was nothing short of a worshiping gaze. I was getting amazing marks, and I was consistently ahead of the curb, even when my projects weren't entirely successful. Even in failure, I was absorbing things, and I was fierily determined to make a mark, make a successful gesture, receive a compliment, and try something new.
It seems to me, however, that somewhere along the line, for me anyway, the "magic" that I once saw in a creative career has been lost. Not to say that I don't enjoy creativity or enjoy the fruits of hard labor anymore, but I have just come to decide that I no longer align myself with the way people in this industry function. For example, I used to marvel at the works of David Carson, Stefan Sagmeister, Tomato... and now, I have a hard time looking at them without thinking, "Oh, they are on another level." "They are rock stars." "They are fully caught up in a shroud of design arrogance and bullshit that just doesn't apply to my practical experience and struggles with design." As often as I try to re-evaluate this outlook, I don't find myself changing my mind.
Now that I am on the brink of graduation, my professionalism has come under serious scrutiny by my peers (not verbally, but it is felt) and especially by my school's faculty. No longer a star student, I have been told time-and-time again over the past two years that my typographic skills are weak, I don't experiment enough, I am too stuck on unoriginal ideas, I am not editing properaly, and that my overall body of work is not where it should be for someone "at my level." I am struck down and dumb-founded by this, as I am a second semester senior sitting on a 3.6 GPA. Where did I go wrong? Was it when I stopped feverishly loving design? Probably. But I'm not sure it's possible to force yourself to love a career or process if, for the most part, you despise its underlying mythologies.
The mythology of design is truly that it needs to be intelligent and exhaustive. You need to be culturally aware, explore things from every angle, and at the end of the day, produce extremely pointed and perfectly crafted work. No room for mistakes conceptually or in actual execution. Choosing a typeface from the wrong era-- how foolish! Using stripes instead of a self-created pattern based on socio-cultural observations-- how lazy, how boring, how predictable!
I can't argue that these people are all wrong. Good work does come from this sort of thinking, I agree. But somewhere along the line, there isn't a welcoming bow to people willing to learn. I truly feel like 'you get it or you don't' at this point, and there is little room in the modern art school for people that struggle. People that aren't completely moist with trends and the latest doo-dad available via CS4. Reading books like "How to be a graphic designer without losing your soul"-- a book created for students on the brink of career-- seem absolutely absurd to me. This book outlines what it takes to be a designer today, and to me, it just seems like a ridiculous checklist of traits that are superhuman. Who is perfect at all of these things? How snobby do I have to be to produce great work and be accepted in the design community? Maybe I am being overly harsh, but the fact remains in that this profession seems to demand an outlook and interest that I just do not hold. My values do not lie in schmoozing my way to the top, being a typeface snob, clouding forms with mountains of process. I'm an advocate for living and letting creativity flow from experiences. I believe in working to live, not living to work, which seems to have caused others to brush me aside and take me less seriously as a designer. I guess they are right about that-- since my portfolio is apparently a disaster.
At some point in my academic career, I have bumped into the category of the hopeless, the lazy, and the sloppy. In my reviews now, there is little praise and lots of shaking heads which all seem to be saying, "What have you been doing for the past three years not to produce anything worthwhile?" The truth is that I don't know. I never imagined myself to be one semester away from a professional career and suddenly feeling like I was never cut out for this.
Now, when I need it most, I find myself without the drive to fix things. I find myself bored of the hoity-toity design world, and I find myself happiest when I am far away from it. For any psychologist and probably every "professional designer," this is where they turn away from me, abandon all hope in my progress, and tell me to look into another profession. Not an option, people. I am almost 100k in this thing, and I wasn't always this cynical. No one is owning up to the fact that art schools and the design field in general are destroying people emotionally and creatively. I feel there is something seriously wrong with starting out invigorated with excitement and drive for success and leaving absolutely depressed and hating everything and everyone associated with my field of choice. I find something seriously wrong with letting someone get to their final year in education ON THE DEAN'S LIST, and then basically tell them they have no chance of being successful in the real world. When I point my finger, three fingers DO point back at me... and that's fine. I'll take that. But it doesn't make it any easier to solve my current problem. It doesn't answer my questions. It doesn't make every single night that I sit depressed at my computer any easier. It doesn't make design fun again. It doesn't do anything for my self-confidence.
There doesn't seem to be anything left for me to do besides try to ignore all these internal conflicts and just do the best I can to get out of here and get a job. I don't think, however, that my walk into the job market is going to go smoothly. And I don't think I'm going to leave here feeling good about the $100,000 I've spent on this education. To me, I feel like I've spent the money on a lot of projects that I am going to have to redo anyway... and a great feeling of self-doubt and inadequacy. I came in with guns-blazing, and I am leaving with my head down, smoker lungs, and a serious feeling of general melancholy about my future. I used to be full of life and vigor, and now I feel like half of myself. I just want to cry every day that I am forced to go to school and talk about art like it actually makes any sense. It all just seems like a bunch of conceptual bullshit. If someone as eager to learn as I was has no place in this field, then who does? The people wearing the most layered v-necks?
To me, this is the definition of a poor investment.
Ah, but what to do about it anyway.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Josh and I went to a comedy club in Ann Arbor on Thursday night and saw the delightful Maria Bamford. We got there early, got great seats, and I ordered a giant long island to sip-- of course, the most expensive drink on the menu. I'm such a sucker for a great cock. The comedy was top-notch, and I came home delighted to have not been a hermit all night. My buzzed head hit the pillow so easily, and I fell asleep quickly.
I dyed my hair this evening and accidently became a blotchy redhead. The color said chestnut brown, but instead, I have blotches of burgundy on my roots amongst dirty blonde... with dark brown tips. Disastro. I've avoided colors with red in them my entire life, and it goes to show that sometimes taking risks really doesn't pay off. As soon as I get some extra cash, I will have to bite the bullet and call in a professional and see if this can be salvaged.
This has also been an exciting week for receiving packages. First and least excitingly, I got two netflix movies-- one of which was Top Hat starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. What a delight! Also, my mom sent a package with lots of new toys for Ollie, including a great cat house (with a built-in "observation deck" covered in faux fur). He has been perched on it most of the weekend, overlooking his kingdom like a true dauphin. Thirdly, Lindsey sent me the most wonderful Xmas present-- a calendar of delightful pictures from our times overseas-- each month themed: The Early Days, The Meadows, General Schwaste, Idiots, etc. Absolutely hilarious-- made my day, truly.
Also, I've started dieting and working out. Yesterday I hit the gym for 30 minutes of cardio, some crunches, and arm work. I'm sore as can be today, but it feels pretty good. I'm starting out in the range of 155-160lbs, so we will see where I end up. I'm hoping to be down to 145lbs by summer.
The new semester is off to a shaky start. I was feeling pretty great about my first critique. With only 9 credits I was feeling confident that it was going to be a much more manageable semester; however, my portfolio class gave me a huge knock to the ground. Matt doesn't think any of the work I've done in my time at CCS is worthwhile of my portfolio, so I need to literally redo almost every project I've done since I arrived in Detroit. Also, some of my favorite projects were totally excluded from said pending portfolio. Huge knock on my confidence. Trying to use it as fuel for the fire, though.
Thoughts are forward to the NYC trip and the beach trip.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
I've been going through this season after season-- state to state, friend to lover, parents to cat, job to school, car to taxi.
Of course, you always gain from transition, but if I do it too often, do I fail to remember to bring everything along? Have farewells and new beginnings become so routine that I've been neglecting to fully embrace them for all their opportunity and emotional possibility?
[It's making me nervous how every day seems the same.]
But of course, I don't really know what good worrying about any of it does. I keep moving. I keep trying.
I'm never so bad off as to just quit. I always wait for the rainbow, so to speak.
I've become very conditioned to the practice of saying goodbye gracefully. I do it so well that it almost unnerves me-–the robotic way I can walk through doors, drive away, sign off.
It's probably not the best way to be-- I've always believed feelings are the most important possession. But if you decide NOT to feel-- I believe that doesn't make you any less the owner of those feelings. Perhaps you are just controlling them better? Perhaps you are just more powerful than a person who lets them spill out into their hands.
It's a very perplexing question.
I'll remember the panic attacks. I'll remember the massage. I'll remember the green tea.
I'll remember the candles. The guacamole. The... gift.
I'll remember the glasses. The dancing. The movies. The book. The job. The questions.
He was so beautiful.
I've been so patient.
Souvenirs from Christmas holiday 2009.