Sunday, July 24, 2011

7/24/11:: Sunday mornin' comin' down

Despite last night proving to be an major, yet accidental failure on my part (fell hard asleep by 9pm even though I HAD plans...), it enabled me to wake up bright and rested this morning as early as sunrise. I had one of those blissful Sunday feelings, where you stretch in bed and look at your hair sticking up in the mirror--and think, "I have so much time to enjoy my coffee today. It won't be noon for hours."

And after a while, while I waited for it to become a reasonable hour to text a friend, I started digging through some old files. Old video blogs that I never posted, old messages to myself back from when I started my fitness journey in January. It was really inspiring. At the end of one I wrote, "Dear future self, I bet you look awesome now... and feel awesome too. I hope you're enjoying it because your past self feels like crap and really doesn't feel like working out today. I'm going to go do it for you, though." Made me laugh. And made me realize, yeah... I do feel pretty good. And even though the past few months have felt like tires spinning, I have really accomplished a lot for myself on the inside AND outside.

I've been breaking down a lot of walls I had built up for myself when I was younger and in college. Doing lots of things that I thought, "oh, that's just not me," or "i just don't function that way." Saving money, letting guards down and learning to allow myself to be vulnerable, exploring the joys of selflessness, taking on the responsibility of being another person's inspiration-- not to mention my own personal wellness goals of working out, eating right, and just generally being healthier.

I've just recently become an official Independent Beachbody Coach-- it means I coach people for free, helping them to reach their own wellness goals.

Profits are based off of commission on products of course, but it's truly inconsequential. It's about holding myself accountable and meeting more people like myself who care passionately about making change.

"A year from now, you will wish you had started today."

Making things happen.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

7/21/2011:: Heat Wave

This heat is a bubble that is keeping my thoughts trapped in. Hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to move. Nothing escapes me except sweat. Exhaling cigarettes is displeasurable. Talking seems exhausting. The only thing that feels good is taking things in: wine, water, criticism. I'm soaking everything up like a sponge, and I'm swelling up like a god damn balloon, I swear.

What most people don't get about me is that I'm constantly trying to communicate something. Even when alone, I'm sending out flags and messages to the outside-- usually cryptic, though painfully planned and executed with precision. This might sound pretty standard, but it's much, much worse for me than anyone realizes. I don't say a word without some sort of angle. Also, it's important to know that I am very bad at geometry.

I feel like the spaces of happiness and productivity are very tiny overlapping "places" in a person's psyche. It's very possible one day to stumble into this space for a brief moment... clean your room like a madwoman with Billie Holiday on volume 27... and stumble out just as quickly, hit like a brick by your usual malaise. It's only when you're really tuned in are you able to balance on one foot in that space for a long period of time. The tiniest push from an outside force, and you could fall right out back into the abyss.

I'm tiptoeing around people right now, pushing off of walls and ideas to find the zone where everything feels balanced. The problem is, I keep trying to pull other people into that space with me because I've been feeling so lonely. One person in particular, if I was going to attempt to be honest about it. I'm finding, however, it's a place that only has room for one.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

7/12/11:: A meditation on prosophobia and dependency

Have you ever had to fight two opposing forces and push through to the center? (The dark center where you can't see the ground or feel the walls.) Both of my arms are stretched out in front and I'm reaching forward for something on which to stabilize, but everything is shifting and getting lost before I can grab on.

I meditate on my thoughts during the afternoons. I whisper mantras to myself in the morning when I sit alone in the park before work. You can endure this. It can all be endured.

Things were not so complicated just a short while ago. I had orientation to my surroundings– to the space between myself and other people. I've been a loner for a long time, and the only thing that puzzled me then was my general numbness and lack of emotion. Now I find feelings tucked away in every crevice. They creep up on me at the most unexpected moments, and I find myself overly sensitive to the opinions and actions of others. Say the word and I'll buy you dinner. I'll drop my plans. I'll rearrange my outlook. I'll make room for you and your needs because I don't seem to have any. Before you know it, my needs are one-in-the-same, indistinguishable from yours. I need to be needed. I need to have a clear space in their territory. I need things that are irrational, illogical, immeasurable, and most importantly… incapable of being stuffed into a tiny box on my calendar.

What a radical left turn.

I have melted and reformed as an entirely different animal. Lack of emotion replaced with hypersensitivity and dependency on the very same people that isolated me with their poor understanding of my condition.

Uncompromising waves and undercurrents and moodswings and fear.

Anxiety builds and goals get reprioritized and/or tossed to the wayside when you say the word.

Come closer. But get the fuck away from me.