Thursday, April 30, 2009

4/30/9 :: Could This Mean I'm Comin' Home?

i love you i love you i love you i love you.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

3/30/9 :: Summary

It's a heart that you made.
It's a heart, and the both of you made it.
It's a heart that you made.
I won't rest until I break it.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

4/28/9 :: Details Of The War

not making progress on many things... including the cake, which remains undecorated.
terrible photo, but my camera is still dead.

feelings fade a little more every day until there is nothing left of you but a dial-tone.
white noise.
.     . ..  .    . .    . . .     .
  .  . . .   . .     . . . .      . . .   .
 . .  ..     . . .   .     .     . .    .
 .    .    . .   .      .  .  . .     . 
 ..      .   .  . .  . .    . . . . 
  . . .. . .    .      .   . .  . . . ..  .

you exist only as chemical memories in my brain.  
i think i'm too fascinated by it to understand the tragedy.
the phenomenon of adaptation.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

4/27/9 :: Je taime the valley

i won't rest until i forget about it.
i wont rest until i don't care.

4/26/9 :: Cops N Robbers

Hey, tired eyes.
I'm really disappointed in what I've become.  FACT.

If you are guilty, put your hands up.

I came to Edinburgh for inspiration, and I am finding myself in a constant state of general decay.  I don't even bother with discretion anymore.  I get sloppy and drape myself on half-strangers at parties, mostly because I can't find anything better to do.  I spend days in bed or on Princes Street.  I haven't designed for months, and I still have no desire.

I miss my college in the USA for its push.  I always thought the "American Dream" was kind of bullshit, but it's not.  There is no sense of achievement for me here.  There is nothing driving me.

Today was the first day that I have really felt ready to go home.

I really need to find it-- whatever it is that I'm looking for.  I sit around, and I wait for people.  Nothing that I am doing really has anything to do with myself or my development as an artist/person.  I want to fix it, but I really, really, really just don't know how.
This is scary.
Another day, lying in bed.
It's not okay at all.
I am really sad about what I'm doing to myself.  
But, like an addict, I don't have the strength to take away those things that are preventing me from going up.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

4/22/9 :: Consult

I'm doing an absolutely horrible job with this blog, so it is my personal goal to get back on the ball with it.  Gonna have to be more diligent about carrying around my camera.

The past week has been a huge blur.  I've been having a good time pretty much every night up until today since last Friday-- going out, staying in, whatever.  This photo is from Monday night?  Saturday night?  I don't even know anymore.  Regardless, it's the night we went to Shanghaii.  

I went to Tribe Tattoos today on West Nicholson Street and had my consultation for my tattoo.  The guy's name is Rob, and he was alright.  I think he was a tad weirded out by my blanket, but overall, I think it went well.  I go back on Tuesday to look at the drawings he's done for me.  Hopefully something will be on target with what I want.

Really looking forward to getting inked.  Really looking forward to something new and exciting.
Last night's party at Cab Vol was fascinating to say the least.
Only more to come.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

9/21/9 :: Lily Allen

Dumb face in the second one, I know.  But I just woke up.  
New hair.  
New state of mind?

I also am in the process of constructing a 7 foot tall cardboard cake on my wall.  Soon to come...

Monday, April 20, 2009

4/20/9 :: They Don't Celebrate 420

Still can't sleep in this city.

I went into the studio today for only about 30 minutes.  I completed the brief as quickly as I could, so I could meet Lindsey and Sara for coffee on Lothian Road.  We made the very responsible decision to start drinking early, and I was drunk by 6pm.  We just sat around and talked for a long time, and it was really nice.  

I don't know if Wilson is going to be visiting as soon as I had thought and that makes me really, really sad.  I was sort of holding onto it as something to look forward to.  I had a bit of a rough time with it, to be honest.

Regardless, I've decided to go ahead and dye my hair tomorrow to try and cheer myself up.  

I also contacted a tattoo parlor about scheduling a sitting for my first tattoo.  I'm pretty excited and nervous about it at the same time.

The photo is of Sara and I having drinks on my front stoop this afternoon.  Delightful.
I should go and try to fall asleep.  I have an early morning brief, so I should at least attempt to be fresh.
Goodnight all.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

4/19/9 :: Clarity

the yellow walls are lined with portraits
and i got my new red fetching leather jacket
all these poses, such beautiful poses
makes any boy feel like pickin' up roses

there's never been such graver matter
as comparing our new brand name black sunglasses
all these poses, such beautiful poses
makes any boy feel as pretty as princes

the green autumnal parks conducting
and the city streets, a wondrous chorus singing
all these poses, oh, how can you blame me?
life is a game and true love is a trophy

and you said watch my head about it
baby, you said watch my head about it
my head about it
oh no, oh no, oh no
oh no, oh no...
no kidding.

we climbed amongst these packs of reasons
for to smoke the days away into the evenings
all these poses of classical torture
ruin my mind like a snake in orchard

i did go from wanting to be someone
now, i'm drunk and wearing flip flops on fifth avenue
once you've fallen from classical virtue
wont have a soul for to wake up and hold you

in the green autumnal park conducting
all the city streets, a wondrous chorus singing
all these poses, now no longer boyish
made me a man, now but who cares what that is

and you said watch my head about it
baby, you said watch my head about it
my head about it
oh no, oh no, oh no,
oh no, oh no..

and you said watch my head about it
baby, you said watch my head about it
my head about it
oh no, oh no, oh no
oh no
oh no
no kidding.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

4/18/9 :: Pokerface

My life here is incredible, and I fully acknowledge that.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

4/15/9 :: Napoleon Dynamite

I finished my portrait of Wilson today, which is meant to be a present for him when he visits.  It turned out alright considering I haven't really drawn in almost... 2 years?  

I feel like Napoleon Dynamite.  Not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Monday, April 13, 2009

4/14/9 :: Time

Time is flying by.  I go back to uni tomorrow, and I have to make some serious progress... I'm scared about not getting a placement.  Gotta redo my website.  No more shitting around.

Supposedly, in 2.5 weeks, Wilson will be here for a visit.  Hoping for it more than anything else.  It's what is propelling me forward with a positive attitude, so I just keep praying that the plans don't get cancelled. 

Trying to not let the calendar's turning bother me too much, but it's always at least in the back of my mind.  Slooooowwwww dowwwwnnnn.  
Emotions on a permanent high.  I feel like I'm on cocaine 24/7.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

4/11/9 :: I Get By

We met up on video chat, and we were accidently wearing the same shirt.

Friday, April 10, 2009

4/10/9 :: Onward, Progress, So it seems...

If you go straight long enough, you will end up back at your starting point.

I've been twisting and turning, getting farther and farther away from where I began. Parts of me are the same, but they are now layers beneath my new life and new state of mind. As usual, my priorities are jumbled.

I read old lists of goals, and some of them, I have come in contact with. It's no longer hard for me to be sincere. It's no longer hard for me to be honest. It's no longer hard for me to feel as if I belong somewhere.

But it gets harder and harder every day to make art. To care about what I actually set out to do with my life.

My decision to pursue the life of a successful graphic designer seems like the wishes of an infant. The way I used to toil over tiny details... was I ever really that person? The longing to be the best still remains, but it is twisted in frustrations and lack of motivation. How can I get so angry about falling behind, when I do nothing to prevent it? And if it bothers me so much, why is there not a part of me that has the willpower to make change? When will this layer surface? Or did I peel it off two years ago, never to be seen again?

My future does not interest me, and I hate that about myself. 
It's a childish mindset. And while other parts of me constantly mature and change, this aspect of my personality seems to only degenerate. I am constantly getting farther and farther away from where I should be work-wise. Becoming a graphic designer used to be my one solid fascination, and it has been replaced with fantasies of travel, experience, people, clothes, sex, fun, and philosophical assumptions...

Lately, I've been getting really into astrology. I've always strongly identified with my personality as a cancerian. It has always been a comfort to me that there is some sort of larger explanation for who I am and the way I function. Through all of the drastically different stages of my life, it has never been a wrong note. The underlying spiritual goal of a Cancer is to find balance. Never in my life has this not proven to be my most important goal. Never in my life has this not been on the very front of my mind. I am constantly on this quest, and I have never, ever come close to finding it.

Perhaps it is my destiny to remain tipped to one side, always. Too interested in love. Too interested in freedom. Too interested in work. Too interested in sex. Too interested in... whatever.

You can long for something different... but you have to find it somewhere within yourself to make that change. And if the drive isn't there... if deep down, you really don't care enough to do anything... what then? What if you honestly, 100% don't have ANY desire to fix things? What can you do? 

I'm like an addict. 
I see what I could have, but I absolutely can't deny myself the things that are holding me back.
For the future, I wish to accumulate self-discipline.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

4/10/9 :: Juiced!

Tonight I re-ignited things with an old flame.  It's been ages since I had him, but it's like the first time... every time.

Safe to say, things got pretty steamy.  

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

4/9/9 :: Back in the Burgh

The trip to London and Barcelona was quite honestly one of the best times in my life.  We made so many friends and saw so many incredible things.  Not to mention, I got so much closer to Lindsey and Sara.  I now could definitely call them two of my closest friends, not just in Edinburgh, but from anywhere.

They went on to Rome after Barcelona, and I came straight back to Edinburgh.  My head is still swimming, replaying my favorite moments over and over again.  When they get back, they will unload the mayhem off of their cameras, and I will do some proper updating about the trip.  I took great day-by-day notes, so that I could write honestly and clearly about everything.

Can't wait to tell you all about it.
Wish I could just do it all over again.  And again.  And again.