Questions that time answers.
I'm sleepless and curious, and I feel trapped inside a body that just wants to wander. That's always been on the forefront of my mind, but even after an adventure, I'm still not finding myself fully satisfied. All I can see is what I haven't seen yet... and time and money are waning.
The clock is ticking toward my graduation and career and permanent housing and marriage. Could someone ever satisfy me enough to weigh down these feet, or even further, could I ever be satisfied to see these things with someone at my side?
In my mind, these experiences can't be had by anyone (or with anyone) but solely myself, and yet I don't know how much farther, realistically, I can take myself. Distance-wise or emotionally or least interestingly of all, financially.
It worries me that I keep getting closer to these things that excite most people, but to me, just seem like cement blocks on my ankles. In exactly one year, I will be expected to take my first step down (what in my mind seems like) one of two very distinct paths.
I know I don't have to live a life like everyone else. I know these decisions are completely mine, and I have the power to firmly place my wanderings above all else-- make it happen. But see, I DO want parts of that other life. I do want a white dress and a nice car. Biologically, there is a time limit. So, where will my desires intersect, or are my choices black or white? Yes or no? This or that?
These are the questions I can't get off of my mind at night. I'll wander into the answers, slowly, over time. I'll make the decisions one by one by one. But that's precisely what scares me most. Defeat is easier to take in small bites-- soon you find you've devoured the whole cake and lost the chance for what you've always wanted... if you're not careful. If time changes your mind-- is it voluntary or is it forgetfulness?
And so I'm treading lightly into each day.
Really tip-toeing through the mornings and quietly waiting during afternoons and letting the smoke hang thick long into evenings.
I'm listening very intently to songs, and I'm watching films and books and people for signals.
And I'm not going to say yes to anything that doesn't make me feel like I'm on a train, riding the coast of Scotland.
Do you understand?
I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. And my future self.