3/12/12:: Post-NarkYark

Maybe if you don't talk about it out loud and don't put it down in writing, it's not really happening. If you shut out the emotions, maybe you don't have to go through feeling them. Something about it is so hard to speak of this time. Is it because I'm embarrassed? Every one told me this was coming and I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to notice their gently shaking heads when I told them it was getting better, and I can't stomach an, "I told you so." Even though I doubt anyone is cruel enough to actually say it to me.

Whereas in the past, the floodgates would open and writing proved to be my only release, this time, I am having a hard time stomaching the concept of admitting anything to anyone, most of all myself. I remember how reluctantly I stepped into things-- how much I had to consult myself on the pros and cons of letting oneself be vulnerable to a new relationship with another person.

I know how unhealthy and unbalanced my life has been. I know that each heart break is just a small moment in a long timeline of our lives. I know the basic wisdoms that heal someone with a broken spirit. So why does it still seem so insurmountable? I feel no sense of it getting better any time soon. I have no plan for the next chapter in any aspect of my life-- in love, career, friendship, location, goals…

I feel foolish, betrayed, humbled, and most of all, weakened. The smallest tasks like ordering a coffee is too much-- too much interaction, too much vulnerability to handle. I'm scared to let anyone interact with me because I'm too fragile. I sense that I could break down at any moment. Unwarranted and unexpectedly, I collapse into tears.

I can't get angry at him. I can't find that empowered "ready to move on" sense of self. Where are my defense mechanisms? I can't expect this road to be easy, but I just wish for a clearer path to recovery. And I am afraid I going to come out the other side even more closed off than I was before.

3/7/12:: brand summit

It's not until I sit down in my sheets at night that it hits me. It wells up from below– slow and heavy like flood waters rising– until I start to get the sense that I am suffocating. My breathing feels hot and labored, and my cheeks start to tingle. I feel that terrible buzzing in my brain– my thoughts going so fast that I sometimes swear I can actually hear the hum of it.

The sight of so many things that used to be designated "ours," I am able to shut out with total numbness. So it is so deeply disturbing to find myself completely defenseless against my own bedroom– the only place on earth that is meant to be solely and uniquely mine.

It is a place of memories, songs, food and smells. Anger, embraces, laughter, safety and vulnerability. In this room, I feel swallowed by it all. From the moment I enter, I now immediately grow nauseated and want to leave.

It's probably in my head, but for now, I'll summarize with: it's really not going well.

12/14/11:: no more spider, no more leaf.

I've been aware of sadness, apathy, joy, the weather, my friends, my body. I've been aware of my job and tasks and sleep. I've played things out.

But to actually feel something. To cry. Sadness. Anger. To miss someone. To worry.

These things are strange islands to me. Vacation spots that I pass by on my boat, but never stop at.

I have postcards to these emotions from my past. I look at them and tell myself I've been there.

It's been so long though that they seem just like stories.

10/19/11:: Alone in Station

I want, of course, many things. I don't need to list all of them because I am sure you can figure out for yourself most of them: good health, financial stability, etc etc.

What I want (not most of all, but on a high priority) right now is the company I keep to be on my level. And I don't mean that in a condescending way, though I know it really sounds like it. I just tend to surround myself with people that are in a totally different place in their lives. Not going to school, in school, starting their own business...

Fine.

But on some selfish surface level, I need someone like me. Who is doing what I'm doing. Who wants/likes/hates/affords/aspires toward/knows the things that I do.

Which shouldn't be so hard to find... because I'm pretty ordinary. And yet... I don't have that person in my life.

9/24/11:: Sometimes

Every so often, I am forced to wake up... realize my room is trashed and clean it up. Realize I've been lazy... get productive. Realize I've been sloppy with my emotions... reign it in.

I've been making a lot happen. On paper, I must look pretty good.

But internally, there is much work to be done. Much to be re-packaged, re-organized, rearranged...

And not just for the sake of rearranging. But because it's important to know where you are [in the present moment], so you have an accurate view of where you are going [in the future]. The past is the past, and we can look at it from any angle, but the brutal honesty of NOW is the demon to be reckoned with.

Patience

Selflessness

Jealousy

Stress

Self-consciousness

Honesty

Projects.

8/22/11:: Your Unbearable Lightness

When some people feel love in a memory, they write songs about it, full of intricate, affected metaphors. Great chefs write recipes, ones with the flavors that arouse the same emotions or sensations. Dancers and athletes move their bodies, flex their muscles, and feel energy in places that before perhaps felt lifeless.

My energy, however, just spins. Feeling swirls around. Collects in the atmosphere. Fills entire rooms and goes spilling out into hallways, tumbling down stairs, and avalanching into the neighbor's yard.

There are moments that as they are happening, you know belong only to you. You know that you're the only one noticing that the sun is peeking in the window just right, or that the room is the perfect temperature for touching. I replay these in my head while I'm on the bus or while I'm walking from the coffee shop to my desk.

What do you think about? I wish I knew. I hope that doesn't make me selfish. I hope it doesn't sound stupid.

7/24/11:: Sunday mornin' comin' down

Despite last night proving to be an major, yet accidental failure on my part (fell hard asleep by 9pm even though I HAD plans...), it enabled me to wake up bright and rested this morning as early as sunrise. I had one of those blissful Sunday feelings, where you stretch in bed and look at your hair sticking up in the mirror--and think, "I have so much time to enjoy my coffee today. It won't be noon for hours."

And after a while, while I waited for it to become a reasonable hour to text a friend, I started digging through some old files. Old video blogs that I never posted, old messages to myself back from when I started my fitness journey in January. It was really inspiring. At the end of one I wrote, "Dear future self, I bet you look awesome now... and feel awesome too. I hope you're enjoying it because your past self feels like crap and really doesn't feel like working out today. I'm going to go do it for you, though." Made me laugh. And made me realize, yeah... I do feel pretty good. And even though the past few months have felt like tires spinning, I have really accomplished a lot for myself on the inside AND outside.

I've been breaking down a lot of walls I had built up for myself when I was younger and in college. Doing lots of things that I thought, "oh, that's just not me," or "i just don't function that way." Saving money, letting guards down and learning to allow myself to be vulnerable, exploring the joys of selflessness, taking on the responsibility of being another person's inspiration-- not to mention my own personal wellness goals of working out, eating right, and just generally being healthier.

I've just recently become an official Independent Beachbody Coach-- it means I coach people for free, helping them to reach their own wellness goals.

Profits are based off of commission on products of course, but it's truly inconsequential. It's about holding myself accountable and meeting more people like myself who care passionately about making change.

"A year from now, you will wish you had started today."

Making things happen.