Saturday, February 27, 2010

2/27/10:: Lately

DETROIT (photo cred: Danny Jacobs)

When I start to post the date in the subject line, the drop-down shows me the name of the post I created in 2009. Today, one year ago, I was booking hostels in Barcelona. AGH!

Lately, my life has been a bit of a droning chaos-- if you can imagine such a thing. Sprained ankle. Frustrated friendships. Justin Bieber. Funk night. Messy desk. The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant. All the while, however, I'm never feeling or experiencing much of anything beyond white noise.

I've been having lots of long, sleepless nights lately. No matter how tired I am, I can never seem to get a full night's sleep. Although last night this changed with the remedy of alcohol (I'm not sure that even counts). Anyway, beside that, these nights have been full of lots of movie-watching and contemplating. Mostly about NYC in 2 weeks and the beach with Joe.

I try as best I can not to think about where I'm going to be in 3 months. What am I going to do?
The mounting pressures of graduation are paralyzing.

Monday, February 22, 2010

2/22/10:: Clusterfuck

a typical night.
it's 5:00am.

these photos don't even do the cluster-fuck justice.
it covers every inch of my apartment.

still unprepared.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

2/21/10:: Explosions

Sometimes I feel like the actual vessel that is my skull is going to explode open with the pressure building in my brain. My eyes are going to run so fast with tears that my eyeballs will just wash right out of their sockets. My jaw will be stretched as wide open as it will go to let all the words and memories and pictures spew out. An actual horror movie explosion of dreams and thoughts and memories and happiness and things I've been trying to save.

In reality, I just close my eyes, and I put my hands over my face. I sit very still, and I try to remember the way people sounded when they said something to me that I found very moving or special. My eyelids start fluttering and my forehead wrinkles up. My hands tremble, and my ears get hot. I can feel myself blushing in my own hands.

Sometimes it's truly overwhelming to love life as much as I do. And very hurtful to remember beautiful things and wonder if something as special will ever happen again. It always does. There's always something on the horizon. I am not fearful or regretful. I just want to keep them all forever. Just as clearly as they happened in that moment, right up there. In my head. So I can visit it whenever I want.

I swear my brain has a heartbeat.
Pulse pulse pulse.

I've been so blessed.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

2/18/10:: Wish

6am. watching a woman bleed from the neck and listening to bagpipes via youtube.

aching aching aching aching.


wish i was sleeping.
wish i was in a weeping glen.
wish i was.


Sunday, February 14, 2010

2/14/10:: Yellow Bird

i have not forgotten you.

my yellow bird.

Friday, February 12, 2010

2/12/10:: Revise and Regroup

If you don't like it, change it, we said, to each other and to ourselves. And so we would change the man, for another one. Change, we were sure, was for the better always. We were revisionists; what we revised was ourselves.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

2/11/10:: Missing

I spend a lot of time rehashing good memories. It's always something I've done-- I tend to dwell a lot on what was, rather than what is. Usually, I write about memories in great detail or drift off into my head for a few hours. Being that it's the weekend, and I was home alone, I decided to see if I could get through the pang of nostalgia quickly and therapeutically. Decided to do a 2-minute painting of the memory/image I was thinking of. Very messy, but it definitely helped.

This is a picture I took of Joe as we were waiting for the train to London. We said that if we met again in Edinburgh, this would be our "spot." It's (shoddily) painted on a page from Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf.

I think I'm going to do this more often.

meet me at the bridge, love.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

2/6/10:: No wise words

A rather stagnant time, this past week has been. Haphazard encounters with friends and the opposite sex, coupled with budget breaking and mild stress. While the rest of the east coast gets pummeled with 2 feet of snow, Detroit remains its same neutral, cold grey.

I finished my wood-working trophy wife project, and it's on display in the Taubman.

I also registered for graduation yesterday, which was both liberating and somewhat numbing. I see leaving CCS as an extremely positive thing, but I am not quite sure what lies beyond that. I'm torn between imagining myself in the happiest, most inspired conditions against living in my parents house and struggling through interview after interview in downtown Pittsburgh.

Whenever I'm in Detroit, I feel like I ride from one broken engagement/promise onto the next, stuffing my face with snack food and cigarettes all along the way.

Turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands.