7/12/11:: A meditation on prosophobia and dependency

Have you ever had to fight two opposing forces and push through to the center? (The dark center where you can't see the ground or feel the walls.) Both of my arms are stretched out in front and I'm reaching forward for something on which to stabilize, but everything is shifting and getting lost before I can grab on.

I meditate on my thoughts during the afternoons. I whisper mantras to myself in the morning when I sit alone in the park before work. You can endure this. It can all be endured.

Things were not so complicated just a short while ago. I had orientation to my surroundings– to the space between myself and other people. I've been a loner for a long time, and the only thing that puzzled me then was my general numbness and lack of emotion. Now I find feelings tucked away in every crevice. They creep up on me at the most unexpected moments, and I find myself overly sensitive to the opinions and actions of others. Say the word and I'll buy you dinner. I'll drop my plans. I'll rearrange my outlook. I'll make room for you and your needs because I don't seem to have any. Before you know it, my needs are one-in-the-same, indistinguishable from yours. I need to be needed. I need to have a clear space in their territory. I need things that are irrational, illogical, immeasurable, and most importantly… incapable of being stuffed into a tiny box on my calendar.

What a radical left turn.

I have melted and reformed as an entirely different animal. Lack of emotion replaced with hypersensitivity and dependency on the very same people that isolated me with their poor understanding of my condition.

Uncompromising waves and undercurrents and moodswings and fear.

Anxiety builds and goals get reprioritized and/or tossed to the wayside when you say the word.

Come closer. But get the fuck away from me.

And one-by-one I drowned all of the people I had been.

Things are shifting all around me. People are making drastic moves, trying to catch my attention, but I find myself even less interested and distant than before. Move away. Start a fight. Make a vow. I can't even see you anymore. Talk about tunnel vision...

Sometimes I wonder if it's even possible for me to give any meaningful part of myself to another person anymore: lover or friend. Maybe the compliments and laughs and fucks and drinks are all that's left on the table. Even when I force myself open, I find very little is released, and usually it is only the surface wounds that I bother to lick clean. I always say that the right people will find the real me; they'll "change my mind" or crack me without my even being aware of it. I have started to ponder the possibility that everyone finds themselves approaching a closed door. Is that my problem? Or do I just continue to insist that they are just too stupid to try the knob? I'm not sure.

Little by little, I shut down entire layers of feeling, former habits, and relationships. It seems like every other day a former version of myself dies. Pretty soon I will only be in the present, and I'll be the girl made of mirrors and glass. Reflecting everything, including the sun. Look at me and you'll only see yourself, exactly what everyone really wants to see anyway.

This all sounds very bad I'm sure, but it's not.

It is what it is.

11/9/10:: 3rd Nature - Detroit Creative Awareness

SO, seeing as I posted earlier about the DetroitLives project, I must come tell you about something else that is super awesome in Detroit right now. A very good friend of mine from my time at College for Creative Studies, Haley Querro, is working on a project/movement in Detroit called 3rd Nature: Detroit Creative Awareness.

Basically, this is a new organization/collective/movement that is shedding light on the creatives of Detroit-- attempting to bring people together to share with one another and hopefully result in a larger impact on the Detroit community.

There are all sorts of exciting things going on like a proposal to Detroit Soup, an upcoming event featuring the band Deadbeat Beat, and an opportunity to be a part of a Detroit-positive-themed art show.

Information on all of those things are available in the links above or at 3rd Nature's homepage:

http://3rdnaturedetroit.com/

Or you can follow them on Twitter for the latest news:

http://twitter.com/3rdnaturedet

Yes please!

Be a part of the positivity!

Submit artwork, communicate, party, and celebrate Detroit!

7/11/10:: Aftermath.

Things have been really intense lately.

Car accident.
Broken pelvis. Broken tailbone.
Hospital.
Morphine. Pain pills. IV.
Constipation.
Walkers. Canes. Wheelchairs.
Sleep.
Pain pills.
Rehab. Physical therapists.
Crying.
Sleep.
Pain pills.

Then California..
Pain.
Travel.
Tired.
JOE!
Emotional turmoil...
Yet grateful..

Now I'm home, and the excitement is over.

I quit smoking today. I set the goal long ago-- "I'll quit smoking the day after my 23rd birthday."
I actually never really was sure if I was going to do it or not.
But surprisingly, I acted like a robot this morning. I smoked my last cigarette on the front porch, and as soon as I was done, I made my mom drive me to the pharmacy to get Nicorette.

The withdrawal headache is the worst part so far, and the gum doesn't really seem to do anything about that.
I'm having my first piece just now though-- made it through the whole day without it.

We'll see.

Hoping to turn a lot of things around about my life right now. It's hard to stay positive, but I'm doing my best.
That's all I can say for right now.

Sigh.

6/10/10:: The Milk Trip Mission Accomplished

I find my biggest challenge at this point is patience. Impatience causes many problems not only for myself but for my relationships. Impatience with finding a job leads to apathy/stress. Impatience with friends leads to self-inflicted isolation. Impatience with my future leads to feelings of hopelessness. Impatience with my emotional development leads to self-destructive behavior. I'm constantly aware, and that allows me to pause, breathe, and react intelligently. I'm getting better, but I'm not perfect.

On the whole, I am doing very well. I have a few pieces out on the board, and it's my turn to roll.

I'm going to bed now at 6am after a long night of red wine on the couch in Schvee's garage. We had some good talks about the future... and the past actually. Little discussion of the present, which I guess doesn't need much explaining. We are living it together.

Tomorrow will go smoothly if I will it. Looking forward to that.

This sleep is going to be so. so so so so. good.

6/1/10:: Surfin USA

If everybody had an ocean
Across the U.S.A.
Then everybody'd be surfin'
Like californ-I-A
You'd see 'em wearin' their baggies
Huarachi sandals, too
A bushy bushy blonde hairdo
Surfin' U.S.A.


ONLY 31 DAYS AWAY. <3

5/27/10:: The New Summer

I feel a bit odd writing here, as I've been uber-neglectful of my blogging-life for a while now. I graduated college, believe it or not. I now have a BFA in graphic design from College for Creative Studies of Detroit, Michigan. Whew. It's weird how four years of my life gets summed up in one sentence. Nice and tidy-- I kind of like it.

I've moved back home to Pittsburgh, and I am living with my parents while I sort out a job/apartment. I'd been dreading this move for such a long time, but now that I've done it, it actually has been really good to me. The stress is miles away, and I've been enjoying summer days of bike riding, book reading, car washing, badminton, mocha frapps, trips to the city, and all other sorts of mini-joys. The best part of it is the weather making it so easy to fill up my days. Every morning I awake and think I hear rain-- I pull back the shade, and WALA! Gorgeous summer day. It's like my brain just refuses to believe that this kind of weather happens to people like me.

The job-front is a war I'm currently fighting. I've had one awesome interview, and it has resulted in a test project. I've been tinkering around with it for a few days now, and I am getting anxious to know where it will lead.

Oh, I also cut 8 inches of my hair off and dyed it blonde. So that's awesome too.

My family is starting to buzz with the news of our beach trip to California. We went last year, and now it is a yearly event. What makes it 5 billion times more exciting is the fact that my amazing friend from Edinburgh is coming with me. The day is approaching super fast, but it still can't get here soon enough. So much has happened since we first hatched this plan-- and now that the major college obstacles are behind me, it is making the wait even MORE excruciating.


It's my favorite part of the summer day right now-- 7pm. Sun is just setting, the breeze kicks in, and it's ALLLL good.


Back to work though. Ay dios.

3/12/09:: Busy Beez

It's been an insane week here in Apartment 322! Josh has been gone for the week, so I've had the place to myself-- frantically working away in anticipation for my week in NYC. The goal was to finish reworking pieces for my portfolio as well as complete the coursework I'll be missing next week. *Wipes sweat off of brow*

Ollie and I have been spending loads of quality time together too. Movie nights and early morning coffees by the window.



Reworked version of my 3-DIMENSIONAL poster from my Advanced VisCom I last semester. It's a crappy screenshot + photo mockup of what the finished thing will look like. New layout and typography.


An original typeface I'm creating for my Typography IV class this semester. This is the very first sketch/drawing-- we had to just form the letters for 'Yankee Doodle went to town.' We had to choose an object, location, or event to inspire the typeface. My typeface is inspired my coffee sessions in Edinburgh. :D


Snuggling down with my bebes <3




Courtney and I went shoppppinngggg. I got some new things for spring! :)

3/5/10:: Everything is going to be alright.

So it's officially spring break now. Big excitement, big scare as well. The first half of the semester has been both hellish and rewarding.

Midterm grades
Typography IV: B+
Portfolio/Presentation: B-
Advanced VisCom II: A

This upcoming week is huge for me, emotionally and work-wise. It's spring break, yes, but for me-- it is going to be the week that I really have the opportunity to pull my life together. I have tons of work to do for my portfolio class, as well as my senior thesis. I've been slipping farther and farther behind on reworking my projects for my portfolio, and I have mountains of work to do for the classes I'll be missing the week after break for NYC. It is my absolute dream right now to finish out my last 7 weeks of my college education feeling prepared, organized, and in-charge of my work. I couldn't stand to continue on OR end my college career the haphazard way they've been these past few weeks.

Also, my parents are coming for a short visit tomorrow night. Josh is leaving this evening for a week in Florida, so I extended an impromptu invitation for my parents to come up to the city and see Detroit. They've never stayed with me here, and we've never really gotten along peacefully for longer than 10 minutes. I invited them up to do something fun here, and to try to show them that I am responsible and I DO have a life here in Detroit. Their view of the city is that is a horrible place, and I hope that showing them the reality of my life here might help them understand that it's not such an open-and-shut case that I'm going right home after graduation. I also want to at least TRY to make a step forward in our daughter-parental relationship, since the past 4 years have been rather terrible between us.

That said, all this is leading up to my trip to NYC next week, where I'll be seeing Shannon, Shonagh, and a few other legendary Scotland friends. The reason I'm so adamant about this week being so successful is that I've been looking forward to NYC being fabulous for months now. It would be so great for me to be able to go and leave my organized, ready-to-go school life back here in Detroit, and just have a week to focus on the other parts of myself. My thirst for friendships, travel, freedom... I want to be able to do nothing but enjoy myself all week long. I know it's in my power, but it's going to require a lot of preparation to acquire that state of mind.

SO, here goes nothing.

Tonight:
laundry
clean bathroom
wash kitchen floor
take trash down to dumpsters
febreze furniture/vacuum
finish re-organizing workspace

Spring Break tasks:
-Typography IV homework (typeface ideation/sketches) + email to Chad
-Senior Thesis ideation/research + email to Zack
-Finish reworking Ecommo project (website/letterhead/business card)
-Rework 3D poster
-Rework Sweet Bee's Annual Report
-Revise Self-Identity/Research "Sharing" interface
-Ideation/Production of Voicemail Installation

-Mail Joe's package
-Purchase new book
-Clean out/back-up laptop



SO much to do.
But I'm too determined to fail.
Only a little bit longer, and I'm not going to crumble in the end.

1/28/10:: Ani Sent Me This In Class Today

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

LOL.

1/17/10:: General Happenings

The happenings of recent times:

NIGHTS OUT:
Josh and I went to a comedy club in Ann Arbor on Thursday night and saw the delightful Maria Bamford. We got there early, got great seats, and I ordered a giant long island to sip-- of course, the most expensive drink on the menu. I'm such a sucker for a great cock. The comedy was top-notch, and I came home delighted to have not been a hermit all night. My buzzed head hit the pillow so easily, and I fell asleep quickly.

HYGIENE:
I dyed my hair this evening and accidently became a blotchy redhead. The color said chestnut brown, but instead, I have blotches of burgundy on my roots amongst dirty blonde... with dark brown tips. Disastro. I've avoided colors with red in them my entire life, and it goes to show that sometimes taking risks really doesn't pay off. As soon as I get some extra cash, I will have to bite the bullet and call in a professional and see if this can be salvaged.

HAPPY MOMENTS:
This has also been an exciting week for receiving packages. First and least excitingly, I got two netflix movies-- one of which was Top Hat starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. What a delight! Also, my mom sent a package with lots of new toys for Ollie, including a great cat house (with a built-in "observation deck" covered in faux fur). He has been perched on it most of the weekend, overlooking his kingdom like a true dauphin. Thirdly, Lindsey sent me the most wonderful Xmas present-- a calendar of delightful pictures from our times overseas-- each month themed: The Early Days, The Meadows, General Schwaste, Idiots, etc. Absolutely hilarious-- made my day, truly.

HEALTH:
Also, I've started dieting and working out. Yesterday I hit the gym for 30 minutes of cardio, some crunches, and arm work. I'm sore as can be today, but it feels pretty good. I'm starting out in the range of 155-160lbs, so we will see where I end up. I'm hoping to be down to 145lbs by summer.

CCS:
The new semester is off to a shaky start. I was feeling pretty great about my first critique. With only 9 credits I was feeling confident that it was going to be a much more manageable semester; however, my portfolio class gave me a huge knock to the ground. Matt doesn't think any of the work I've done in my time at CCS is worthwhile of my portfolio, so I need to literally redo almost every project I've done since I arrived in Detroit. Also, some of my favorite projects were totally excluded from said pending portfolio. Huge knock on my confidence. Trying to use it as fuel for the fire, though.

Thoughts are forward to the NYC trip and the beach trip.

Woot.

1/9/10:: Another chapter

The eve of another change, another move, another "new start."
I've been going through this season after season-- state to state, friend to lover, parents to cat, job to school, car to taxi.

Of course, you always gain from transition, but if I do it too often, do I fail to remember to bring everything along? Have farewells and new beginnings become so routine that I've been neglecting to fully embrace them for all their opportunity and emotional possibility?

[It's making me nervous how every day seems the same.]


But of course, I don't really know what good worrying about any of it does. I keep moving. I keep trying.
I'm never so bad off as to just quit. I always wait for the rainbow, so to speak.

I've become very conditioned to the practice of saying goodbye gracefully. I do it so well that it almost unnerves me-–the robotic way I can walk through doors, drive away, sign off.
It's probably not the best way to be-- I've always believed feelings are the most important possession. But if you decide NOT to feel-- I believe that doesn't make you any less the owner of those feelings. Perhaps you are just controlling them better? Perhaps you are just more powerful than a person who lets them spill out into their hands.
It's a very perplexing question.


I'll remember the panic attacks. I'll remember the massage. I'll remember the green tea.
I'll remember the candles. The guacamole. The... gift.
I'll remember the glasses. The dancing. The movies. The book. The job. The questions.

He was so beautiful.
I've been so patient.

Souvenirs from Christmas holiday 2009.

11/27/09:: Rainbow Chaser

baby Decklan

Albert

I had a really beautiful Thanksgiving, involving both family and old friends. Reconnecting with Schvee, meeting Jess' new family, and spending lovely time with Albert. 

Life seems sweeter than usual today.

11/23/09:: I really needed this.

I don't think I could ever express how amazing Joe, Shannon, and Shonagh are. 

Not that I needed one, but today was just an overwhelming reminder of how lucky I am to have friends like these.

It's been such a rough 2 weeks, and when I came home to find this delightful package waiting for me--I just went over the edge into waterfall tears of happiness/sadness.

I love you guys, and I truly miss you every day. xx

11/15/09:: Anybody Home?

*Knock Knock*

Does anybody even read this?  Anybody out there?

I'm not sure this blog serves a purpose anymore, but onward, progress, so it seems...

I am, however, sure that I am spending far too much time thinking about how cute my cat is.

I'm awake early this morning after a hopefully sustaining 3.5 hours of sleep. Had a good Skype-session with my good mates o'er the ocean, and although it always nice to their shimmering (but not shiny) faces, it only gets harder and harder to be here every time we chat.

I'm currently at work on three major projects, none of which are at any stage of being ready for sharing, but I do hope to start putting up some work soon.

1. Annual Report for Sweet Bee's Sugar Shop

a children's book-esque piece that documents a year in business for this fake company

2. Propaganda piece for Starbucks Coffee Drinks- Stop using the paper cup!

a paper cup with dashing insults pointing at the user to guilt them into using a mug.

3. Re-branding of Detroit Transportation: ddot, the people mover, woodward light rail

...i have no idea. which is a major problem.

Ahhh, but it's almost time to register for my LAST SEMESTER OF CLASSES!

I'M GRADUATING IN MAY, BETCHES!

Boy, you really have no idea how exciting this is for me.

So far, my prospective schedule is as follows:

Advanced Visual Communications II 

Tech/Professional Portfolio

Independent Study- Silkscreen

*some other class to keep me as a full-time student that I haven't yet chosen*

possibilities:

-ceramics: intro to wheel throwing

-letterpress for 21st century

-art history

-fibers: intro to weaving

I'm considering taking a fine art studio, but the idea of having 4 studios really lessens the excitement of having only 12 credit hours...

Ho hum.

To be determined...

11/1/09:: F F Fashion

Aladdin Sane + Aborted Fetus

Can't stop listening to David Bowie after this weekend of dressing as Aladdin Sane for Funk Night @ The Majestic Theatre. Also, embarrassingly enough, Ewan McGregor's songs from Moulin Rouge have also been in rotation.

There should be more Scottish men in America, jah?

Time to retreat back to normal life. 

Eyes straight ahead, mouth shut, fingers on keyboard.

10/16/09:: There's One In All Of Us

I went to the midnight showing of Where The Wild Things Are tonight. What an interesting film! While at times I felt it gets a little childish with the way the monsters are handled, I often found myself stepping back and admiring it for the same reasons.

First of all, the soundtrack is GENIUS. Bravo Karen O. You nailed it.

Second, the casting is spot on-- the boy is simply adorable and delightful and spirited and absolutely makes the film. The perfect Max.

Third, what I loved most of all about the film is the way the director keeps making suggestions through cinematography, time, lighting, gestures that this is all imagination. There is a fascinating mix of feeling like what you are seeing IS real and it all being a beautiful daydream.

Some of the scenes were shot so beautifully and succinctly with my "dream-world" as a child that it shocked me. It was almost like opening a photo album of my childhood imagination. Things that now there is no physical evidence of, but that I can still recall at will just like any of my "real" memories.

Dark at times, but appropriately so... I really did enjoy it. Part of me wanted to knock it down after all the hype and the theatre packed with plaid shirts and dark-rimmed glasses-- but I think it stood its ground against my cynicism.

Also, the movie was part of a night that was really about me getting back to happiness--something I've been thinking about almost nonstop lately. Daydreaming about Scotland, fighting temptations to complain about my current station in life... 

I've just been majorly caged lately. How appropriate that a night out with a friend (finally) is based around this film, which is all about finding happiness, imagination, being free, making mistakes, conflict/resolution, and contentment with loneliness.

Good film, good night. 

It might have been the reminder I needed.

10/10/09:: Mystery

Recent events have brought some new and interesting thoughts to the fore-front of my mind.

My opinion of the design industry has been in a consistent down-spiral, you could say starting as long as a year ago, but most notably just this semester.  So how do I deal with what is truly inevitable about my future-- the need to accumulate enough money to be on my own, a design job, loan payments?  I'm not going to disregard this degree that I've suffered so long for-- even if I do think it is a complete load of miserable rubbish. So how am I going to make this work?

My answer is a simple one: mystery.

I need to retain mystery. First of all, I need to stop complaining so much. No one understands me when I complain.  No one cares when I complain. And frankly, it's not really making me feel any better either.

Second of all, if all I can think about is getting back to Edinburgh, then I need to make some decisions about what is going to happen come May. Am I going to decide to save up for a summer trip, or am I going to plan to move back for a job as soon as I graduate? My mother and I just recently (yesterday) had a really depressing argument about it. I asked for a ticket to go back over spring break as my Xmas present, and she shot me down saying that I've done enough jet-setting and now it's time to get serious. I have loan payments, and I need to use that spring break + every penny I have on finding a job for graduation.

True.

But I miss my friends.

And my friends here are rarely around, and most of the time, do not make me happy.

So, something has to happen. Not saying I have the answers yet, but this is something I'm going to start seriously dealing with... starting now.

I'm just going to do my work. I'm going to try my best to ignore the inner-pangs for a boyfriend. For fun social interaction. I'm just going to stay home. And do my work. And not complain about it. 

Sure, I'm riding a little bit on karma here. Hoping that if I just do what I'm supposed to, somehow it will work out for me. 

I'm just tired of being unhappy, and thus it is time to actually make an effort toward something that might make feel good about life again-- instead of just stewing in my own shit all the time.

9/24/09:: Barely Survived

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Satanic/crazed laugh necessary.

Here is the scoop.  This project was assigned two weeks ago.  We had to document every detail of our lives every day for 1 week and then create poster that expresses the data in an interesting and clear way.  I concocted this ridiculous idea of expressing quantities of activity through mass/volume, and thus began a series of some 4 or 5 all-nighters to create this piece of work--- against the recommendation of both my professor and peers via the first critique.

In the end, I turned out to be right, and I think it turned into a great piece.  The stress was monumental though, and it resulted in the apartment getting absolutely trashed and both Josh and I developing some sort of flu.  Yussss!

Josh was really helpful with a lot of things-- including my spout with the judgmental lumberjacks running the woodshop.  (Pricks!)

So, now my next great act will be completing an entire two-tier book + my hair salon identity on top of all my other homework (philosophy essay, film studies essay, 8 info design layouts, a book mock-up, sample spreads, research on the michigan light rail) by the end of this weekend.  Hold your applause until the end please.

9/20/9:: Re-Entry

Kelly takes on Tampa + 17 hours on the road = photographic gems?

JOSH IS GONE FOR THE WEEKEND!  *Jumps on bed!!*

Just kidding.  It's more like, I will wear his clothes and eat all our food and get nothing done because he is not here to scold me into doing my homework.  Thus, productivity is low at the moment, and I am listening to Les Miserables on full volume because I can (which is either making me more in tune with my inner-revolution or it's turning me into a nutcase).

But really, to the good stuff:

While being back in Detroit has indeed been like finally birthing the child that I've been carrying around for 9 months, part of the satisfaction of it is lost to the fact that, well, it's pretty much the same as it was when I left.  Bummer.  

I play a lot of Guitar Hero.  I'm working on a 3D poster and am plotting ways to get back overseas before next August.  I bought a Remington typewriter today on Ebay.  I wear glasses when I read (finally starting to go blind).  And I'm practicing for married life by trying to shave my legs at least once a week.  My future-husband will appreciate this.  

I've been listening to a lot of Metric, Patrick Wolf, and Arcade Fire.  I also have yet to post Josh and I's pictures from our roadtrip up from Tampa.  That is mostly because they are terrible close-up shots of each other driving/leaning on the hood of the car at rest stops.  We suck.

My first critique since being back went terribly, despite my excitement for the project.  I almost went into tears, as I was running on no sleep and was no longer used to the American art school abuse.  I've gotta callous up.  Turn my creativity back to yellow dead skin.  Yes.  That's phase two of Kelly's Re-entry into American Life.  Hope I don't burn up.  Wish me luck.

I'm temporarily disbanding from the realm of sexual pleasure and emotional involvement.  Although I can live without one or the other, I've never before attempted to subtract both from the equation.  It might turn me into a schoolwork sci-borg, but that's precisely the plan.  Watch me as I master the illusion of passion for my career.  Clap at the end.  It's gonna be a good show.

This is what's been going on.