Tuesday, December 29, 2009

12/30/09:: The Unbearable Lightness of Being


"The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.

Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes a man to be lighter than air, to soar into the heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What shall we choose then-- Weight or Lightness?"

11/29/09: New Blog

So today I began my new film blog-- me going through the book 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die, rating and talking about all the films in the book.

If you're interested in following, here is the link:


Saturday, December 19, 2009

12/19/09:: Snowflakes

The semester is (finally) officially over for me, and I am back home in Pennsylvania for the holidays. 

Let it snow
Let it snow
Let it snow

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

12/17/09:: Two New Meditations

To my soul:

Are you ever going to achieve goodness? Ever going to be simple, whole, and naked–as plain to see as the body that contains you? Know what an affectionate and loving disposition would feel like? Ever be fulfilled, ever stop desiring–lusting and longing for people and things to enjoy? Or for more time to enjoy them? Or for some other place or country–"a more temperate clime"? Or for people easier to get along with? And instead be satisfied with what you have, and accept the present–all of it. And convince yourself that everything is the gift of nature, that things are good and always will be, whatever it decides and have in store for the preservation of the ever-moving entity–good and just and beautiful, creating all things, connecting and embracing them, and gathering in their separated fragments.

Will you ever take your stand as a fellow citizen with nature and human beings, blaming no one, deserving no one's censure?


Everything you're trying to reach–by taking the long way round–you could have right now, this moment. If only you'd stop thwarting your own attempts. If you'd only let go of the past, entrust the future to nature, and guide the present toward reverence and justice.

Reverence so you'll accept what you're allotted. Nature intended it for you, and you for it.

Justice: so that you'll speak the truth, frankly and without evasions, and act as you should–as other people deserve.

Don't let other people deter you: other people's misbehavior, your own misperceptions, What People Will Say, or the feelings of the body that covers you (let the affected part take care of those). And if, when it's time to depart, you shunt everything aside except your mind and the divinity within. . .if it isn't ceasing to live that you're afraid of but never beginning to live properly. . .then you'll be worrying of the world that made you.

No longer an alien in your own land.

No longer shocked by everyday events–as if they were unheard-of abberations.

No longer the mercy of this, or that.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

12/5/09:: Meditations


Duration: momentary.
Nature: changeable.
Perception: dim.
Condition of Body: decaying.
Soul: spinning around.
Fortune: unpredictable.
Lasting Fame: uncertain.
Sum Up: the body and its parts are a river, the soul a dream and mist, and a journey far from home, lasting reputation is oblivion. 

Then what can guide us?

Friday, November 27, 2009

11/27/09:: Rainbow Chaser

baby Decklan


I had a really beautiful Thanksgiving, involving both family and old friends. Reconnecting with Schvee, meeting Jess' new family, and spending lovely time with Albert. 

Life seems sweeter than usual today.

Monday, November 23, 2009

11/23/09:: I really needed this.

I don't think I could ever express how amazing Joe, Shannon, and Shonagh are. 
Not that I needed one, but today was just an overwhelming reminder of how lucky I am to have friends like these.

It's been such a rough 2 weeks, and when I came home to find this delightful package waiting for me--I just went over the edge into waterfall tears of happiness/sadness.

I love you guys, and I truly miss you every day. xx

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

11/16/09:: So Fre$h, So Clean

Sooooo, I'm taking my senior studio next semester with THAT guy-- a guest instructor at my college. (Zach... also known as Beverly Fre$h.) 

 Needless to say, I'm pretty excited about this.  

Check out more of his work here:

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sunday, November 15, 2009

11/15/09:: In Response To Joe Rudi

My chaotic workspace.
Joe, yours is much more charming than mine.

11/15/09:: Anybody Home?

*Knock Knock*
Does anybody even read this?  Anybody out there?
I'm not sure this blog serves a purpose anymore, but onward, progress, so it seems...

I am, however, sure that I am spending far too much time thinking about how cute my cat is.

I'm awake early this morning after a hopefully sustaining 3.5 hours of sleep. Had a good Skype-session with my good mates o'er the ocean, and although it always nice to their shimmering (but not shiny) faces, it only gets harder and harder to be here every time we chat.

I'm currently at work on three major projects, none of which are at any stage of being ready for sharing, but I do hope to start putting up some work soon.
1. Annual Report for Sweet Bee's Sugar Shop
a children's book-esque piece that documents a year in business for this fake company
2. Propaganda piece for Starbucks Coffee Drinks- Stop using the paper cup!
a paper cup with dashing insults pointing at the user to guilt them into using a mug.
3. Re-branding of Detroit Transportation: ddot, the people mover, woodward light rail
...i have no idea. which is a major problem.

Ahhh, but it's almost time to register for my LAST SEMESTER OF CLASSES!
Boy, you really have no idea how exciting this is for me.

So far, my prospective schedule is as follows:

Advanced Visual Communications II 
Tech/Professional Portfolio
Independent Study- Silkscreen
*some other class to keep me as a full-time student that I haven't yet chosen*
-ceramics: intro to wheel throwing
-letterpress for 21st century
-art history
-fibers: intro to weaving

I'm considering taking a fine art studio, but the idea of having 4 studios really lessens the excitement of having only 12 credit hours...
Ho hum.
To be determined...

Friday, November 13, 2009

11/14/09:: What If

Some ideas I've been throwing around:

1. I'm considering quitting smoking the day after my 23rd birthday. (July 11th 2010)

2. I'm considering taking an independent study next semester in the fine arts department: silk-screening.

3. I'm considering getting a minor in Art History since I am only two classes away from it, but unfortunately my favorite professor isn't teaching any of the 300-400 level art histories next semester. So hmph.

4. I'm considering joining the YMCA in January to take kickboxing and pilates classes.

5. I'm still considering working my way through the 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die book over the next two years.

6. I'm considering applying for a job on campus working on promotional materials for the college. Not sure I want to do that, but I could use the money. Seriously.

7. I'm considering opening up a shop on etsy when I graduate to sell things that I will make in my spare evenings–silkscreen cards, journals, hand-sewn pet toys, and other random things. This will be the Scotland fund... maybe.

8. I'm considering deleting everyone out of my phone, and then only adding people back as they contact me. Since no one seems to ever do that–this will eliminate a lot of my feeling sad when people ignore my calls/texts.

Just ideas at this point.
But just by odds alone, one of them is bound to happen, right?

Saturday, November 7, 2009

11/7/09:: Saturday night has a lonely sort of sound. ever notice that lila?

Some men are just to die for. Rawr, Norman!

I love movies.  I love movies.  I love movies. I've always loved movies, and for a while, I was on a Netflix quest to catch myself up to other dignified movie-lovers in terms of knowledge. Not just for the street cred, but because my love for movies wasn't matching up with my actual track record. Though it truly was a valiant effort, it was a bit of a fail nevertheless--many movies to see, so little time. Also, where to begin?  Classic black and white? Musicals? Indie films? I was tap dancing all over the place.

I look around in my Intro To Film class, and I don't see anyone else salivating over the clever Hitchcock symbolism being revealed by our professor... could it just me that finds this so gripping?  Why don't films propel these other people the way they do me?

I love movies.

I'm thinking of starting a journey through the book 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die.
Part of me think this is necessary, and part of me is scared I'll be waded through a barrage of bad "classic" films while missing out on loads of cult classics.  The list to my (self-trained) eye, however, does look pretty respectable, and the idea of the project sends shivers up me spine... blog opportunity!

I'm going to contemplate this idea a little further, but I'll keep you posted.  

Thursday, November 5, 2009

11/5/09 :: The Doors

come on, come on, come on, come on
now touch me, baby
can't you see that i am not afraid?

now i'm gonna love you
till the heavens stop the rain.

the mother of my 10th grade boyfriend called me a "desperate woman."

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

11/3/09 :: Get In

You know, this GENUINELY almost got me to quit smoking today.
And I'm not quite sure I've ever considered quitting yet.
Who says celebrities can't sell you on ideas?
Ewan, you are a powerful man.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

11/1/09:: F F Fashion

Aladdin Sane + Aborted Fetus

Can't stop listening to David Bowie after this weekend of dressing as Aladdin Sane for Funk Night @ The Majestic Theatre. Also, embarrassingly enough, Ewan McGregor's songs from Moulin Rouge have also been in rotation.

There should be more Scottish men in America, jah?

Time to retreat back to normal life. 
Eyes straight ahead, mouth shut, fingers on keyboard.

Monday, October 26, 2009

10/26/09 :: There's So Much To Tell Ya

I believe in freedom
Freedom's apparently all I need
But who's ever been free in this world?
Who has never had to bleed in this world?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

10/22/09 :: These Foolish Things Remind Me Of You

It's a ridiculously cloudy Thursday afternoon, and I keep glancing over to the window, noticing it getting darker and darker outside. I can almost smell the rain from inside. I'm one hour away from the weekend, trying to avoid eye contact with my professor so she doesn't ask me what I've done on my project since Tuesday. (The answer would be “pretty much nothing.”) I'm experiencing a massive case of burn-out-- drained and tired on almost every level. I waste studio time because I can't concentrate, and then I end up forcing myself to stay up super late to catch up, worsening the cycle. 

I'm glad the weekend is almost here. I can rest soon. After I write the seven page philosophy paper that is due tomorrow of course...

Billie Holiday is really suiting my mood today, sitting here with tired eyes, watching the rain roll into the city, and waiting for this final hour of my work week to pass. Sometimes I wish I had an old phonograph to play me this song. A big smoky smelling red recliner chair. My cat sitting on my lap. A big teeshirt and leggings. Maybe some hot tea too.

I like going places in my imagination. In my head, I can live the life I want to.

Friday, October 16, 2009

10/16/09:: There's One In All Of Us

I went to the midnight showing of Where The Wild Things Are tonight. What an interesting film! While at times I felt it gets a little childish with the way the monsters are handled, I often found myself stepping back and admiring it for the same reasons.
First of all, the soundtrack is GENIUS. Bravo Karen O. You nailed it.
Second, the casting is spot on-- the boy is simply adorable and delightful and spirited and absolutely makes the film. The perfect Max.
Third, what I loved most of all about the film is the way the director keeps making suggestions through cinematography, time, lighting, gestures that this is all imagination. There is a fascinating mix of feeling like what you are seeing IS real and it all being a beautiful daydream.

Some of the scenes were shot so beautifully and succinctly with my "dream-world" as a child that it shocked me. It was almost like opening a photo album of my childhood imagination. Things that now there is no physical evidence of, but that I can still recall at will just like any of my "real" memories.

Dark at times, but appropriately so... I really did enjoy it. Part of me wanted to knock it down after all the hype and the theatre packed with plaid shirts and dark-rimmed glasses-- but I think it stood its ground against my cynicism.

Also, the movie was part of a night that was really about me getting back to happiness--something I've been thinking about almost nonstop lately. Daydreaming about Scotland, fighting temptations to complain about my current station in life... 
I've just been majorly caged lately. How appropriate that a night out with a friend (finally) is based around this film, which is all about finding happiness, imagination, being free, making mistakes, conflict/resolution, and contentment with loneliness.

Good film, good night. 

It might have been the reminder I needed.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

10/10/09:: Mystery

Recent events have brought some new and interesting thoughts to the fore-front of my mind.

My opinion of the design industry has been in a consistent down-spiral, you could say starting as long as a year ago, but most notably just this semester.  So how do I deal with what is truly inevitable about my future-- the need to accumulate enough money to be on my own, a design job, loan payments?  I'm not going to disregard this degree that I've suffered so long for-- even if I do think it is a complete load of miserable rubbish. So how am I going to make this work?

My answer is a simple one: mystery.

I need to retain mystery. First of all, I need to stop complaining so much. No one understands me when I complain.  No one cares when I complain. And frankly, it's not really making me feel any better either.

Second of all, if all I can think about is getting back to Edinburgh, then I need to make some decisions about what is going to happen come May. Am I going to decide to save up for a summer trip, or am I going to plan to move back for a job as soon as I graduate? My mother and I just recently (yesterday) had a really depressing argument about it. I asked for a ticket to go back over spring break as my Xmas present, and she shot me down saying that I've done enough jet-setting and now it's time to get serious. I have loan payments, and I need to use that spring break + every penny I have on finding a job for graduation.
But I miss my friends.
And my friends here are rarely around, and most of the time, do not make me happy.
So, something has to happen. Not saying I have the answers yet, but this is something I'm going to start seriously dealing with... starting now.

I'm just going to do my work. I'm going to try my best to ignore the inner-pangs for a boyfriend. For fun social interaction. I'm just going to stay home. And do my work. And not complain about it. 

Sure, I'm riding a little bit on karma here. Hoping that if I just do what I'm supposed to, somehow it will work out for me. 

I'm just tired of being unhappy, and thus it is time to actually make an effort toward something that might make feel good about life again-- instead of just stewing in my own shit all the time.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

10/8/09 :: See Her Tumbling Down

Try to ignore the buttsex between Ewan McGregor + Christian Bale at the start of this video. 
It's my favorite song/video sequence from the movie that follows.

I love Velvet Goldmine. 
It always serves as an escape/reminder to times when I've felt free and dominate over my creative demons.
It reminds me of being a teenager and cutting class to drink apple tea and do photoshoots with friends. 
Driving on back roads and somehow feeling like we were the privileged ones.
The ones with the closest connection to art. 
The best taste in music. 
The only ones that "got it."
Which is mostly what the movie is about, at least to me:
Being a part of the group-- having that feeling. And the subsequent fall from grace that occurs when it inevitably has to stop.

That was the best part of being a teenager, and it is also the thing I've most regrettably lost with age.

Not to mention, generally speaking, it's just a great film with great music.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

10/6/09 :: Detroit Public Transit

This is me and GOMAR just moments before we took a bus to the ghetto-ass east side and got stranded there in the rain. AKA: I was fearing for my life. We are researching for a project to re-brand the disaster that is Detroit Public Transit. This is us trying to decipher one of the only maps-- a block away from the bus depot. Classic.

Yay Detroit. Yay Research!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

9/30/09:: Review

Today was my end-of-the-year review for last year's design work. Typically this review occurs at the end of the school year, and it determines whether or not your work is good enough for you to move on to the next level. You are graded on a system of 1- 4 in different categories, 4 being the best and 1 being the worst. 

 I stayed up most of last night preparing for it-- not to mention all of the work I did over the weekend and summer to get ready. Then, today, Doug (the head of the design department and my senior studio professor) sat down in front of all my work, casually flipped through it, "yeah" and "uh huh"ed all my discussion, and then just let loose.

He told me that I have no sense of typography. He told me I'm using a design vocabulary in my work that speaks of 2003, and that I am riding a dead trend with my ideas. And when I told him of having ambitions for London, he told me that if I don't start working 10x harder, it pretty much will never happen. He gave me a large helping of 2's and a few 1's.

I'm so filled with anger that I could scream. Why does everyone have to be a god damn Stephen Sagmeister in this field??? I've worked so hard at trying to reassemble some form of care for this profession/path I'm moving down, and every time I get close to getting my foot on it, I get a swift kick in the ass back to the land of I Don't Give A Fuck. How am I supposed to work harder when I am already staying up all night, every single night... with the flu, chainsmoking away my panic attacks...  ???

I will be the first to admit that I didn't do very much work in Scotland. In fact, I did pretty much nothing beyond the first identity system I did for Ecommo. Fine. But I did make a large earnest effort to fix that with supplementary projects that I did entirely on my own over the summer and into the beginning of this year.  Sure, they weren't stark-raving genius, but I thought they were certainly worth talking about. Instead, the only mention Doug made of them was to tell me that my book project was going to do absolutely nothing for my portfolio, and that I am in no shape to compete with people in London for jobs because they are the best.   ...And I'm dirt?

What if I don't want to be a fucking trend-tastic design star?  What if I just want a strong enough portfolio to get a job at a reasonable design firm in the city of my choosing? I don't care about being in design annuals. I don't care about being famous or having big name clients or hosting lecture series or being top creative director.

And regardless of what was said today, I know that I started off this year packing serious heat. I came back to CCS with a fire under my ass to make myself known again in the design department, amongst faculty and students. And instead, I've been trampled upon by the person whose respect I was trying to earn, my work isn't hung in the hallway along with everyone else's, and I'm tired/annoyed as fuck.

I just want to forget the whole thing and drop out. Screw it. I just need to find a man to pay off my loans and pump me full of babies. 

Saturday, September 26, 2009

9/26/09:: The Bullet Enters Brain

O cruel, needless misunderstanding!
O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast!
Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose.
But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. 
He had won the victory over himself.
He loved Big Brother.

9/26/09:: If you lived here, you'd be home now.

Brought to my attention by Carianoff.
This week's Time Magazine cover.

9/26/09:: Oh, I'm getting one of these.

"Almost as much freedom as a birthday suit!!  Like a birthday suit, it stretches, twists, bends, and is wrinkle-resistant."

We really were doing it right in the 70s.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

9/24/09:: Barely Survived

Satanic/crazed laugh necessary.

Here is the scoop.  This project was assigned two weeks ago.  We had to document every detail of our lives every day for 1 week and then create poster that expresses the data in an interesting and clear way.  I concocted this ridiculous idea of expressing quantities of activity through mass/volume, and thus began a series of some 4 or 5 all-nighters to create this piece of work--- against the recommendation of both my professor and peers via the first critique.

In the end, I turned out to be right, and I think it turned into a great piece.  The stress was monumental though, and it resulted in the apartment getting absolutely trashed and both Josh and I developing some sort of flu.  Yussss!
Josh was really helpful with a lot of things-- including my spout with the judgmental lumberjacks running the woodshop.  (Pricks!)

So, now my next great act will be completing an entire two-tier book + my hair salon identity on top of all my other homework (philosophy essay, film studies essay, 8 info design layouts, a book mock-up, sample spreads, research on the michigan light rail) by the end of this weekend.  Hold your applause until the end please.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

9/20/9:: Re-Entry

Kelly takes on Tampa + 17 hours on the road = photographic gems?


Just kidding.  It's more like, I will wear his clothes and eat all our food and get nothing done because he is not here to scold me into doing my homework.  Thus, productivity is low at the moment, and I am listening to Les Miserables on full volume because I can (which is either making me more in tune with my inner-revolution or it's turning me into a nutcase).

But really, to the good stuff:

While being back in Detroit has indeed been like finally birthing the child that I've been carrying around for 9 months, part of the satisfaction of it is lost to the fact that, well, it's pretty much the same as it was when I left.  Bummer.  

I play a lot of Guitar Hero.  I'm working on a 3D poster and am plotting ways to get back overseas before next August.  I bought a Remington typewriter today on Ebay.  I wear glasses when I read (finally starting to go blind).  And I'm practicing for married life by trying to shave my legs at least once a week.  My future-husband will appreciate this.  

I've been listening to a lot of Metric, Patrick Wolf, and Arcade Fire.  I also have yet to post Josh and I's pictures from our roadtrip up from Tampa.  That is mostly because they are terrible close-up shots of each other driving/leaning on the hood of the car at rest stops.  We suck.

My first critique since being back went terribly, despite my excitement for the project.  I almost went into tears, as I was running on no sleep and was no longer used to the American art school abuse.  I've gotta callous up.  Turn my creativity back to yellow dead skin.  Yes.  That's phase two of Kelly's Re-entry into American Life.  Hope I don't burn up.  Wish me luck.
I'm temporarily disbanding from the realm of sexual pleasure and emotional involvement.  Although I can live without one or the other, I've never before attempted to subtract both from the equation.  It might turn me into a schoolwork sci-borg, but that's precisely the plan.  Watch me as I master the illusion of passion for my career.  Clap at the end.  It's gonna be a good show.

This is what's been going on.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

8/1/09 :: Whatever I Like

Well, that was the funniest thing that's ever happened to me.
I guess my crush on T.I. / my psycho-behavior has been truly outted.
Way to be subtle, Kells.

8/1/09 :: Motivation-ish

now i'm hunched over a typewriter.  i guess you call that paintin' in a cave
and there's a word i can't remember and a feeling i cannot escape.
and now my ashtray's over-flowin' and i'm still starin' at a clean, white page.
oh and morning's at my window--  she is sending me to bed again.

Monday, July 27, 2009

7/27/09 :: Just Like Honey

The songs and films are still the same, but they have different meaning now, don't they?  The girl has progressed, but the personal desires haven't.  Is it a hunger that I'm going to indulge or accept?

Questions that time answers.

I'm sleepless and curious, and I feel trapped inside a body that just wants to wander.  That's always been on the forefront of my mind, but even after an adventure, I'm still not finding myself fully satisfied.  All I can see is what I haven't seen yet... and time and money are waning.

The clock is ticking toward my graduation and career and permanent housing and marriage.  Could someone ever satisfy me enough to weigh down these feet, or even further, could I ever be satisfied to see these things with someone at my side?  

In my mind, these experiences can't be had by anyone (or with anyone) but solely myself, and yet I don't know how much farther, realistically, I can take myself.  Distance-wise or emotionally or least interestingly of all, financially.

It worries me that I keep getting closer to these things that excite most people, but to me, just seem like cement blocks on my ankles.  In exactly one year, I will be expected to take my first step down (what in my mind seems like) one of two very distinct paths.  

I know I don't have to live a life like everyone else.  I know these decisions are completely mine, and I have the power to firmly place my wanderings above all else-- make it happen.  But see, I DO want parts of that other life.  I do want a white dress and a nice car.  Biologically, there is a time limit.  So, where will my desires intersect, or are my choices black or white?  Yes or no? This or that?

These are the questions I can't get off of my mind at night.  I'll wander into the answers, slowly, over time.  I'll make the decisions one by one by one.  But that's precisely what scares me most.  Defeat is easier to take in small bites-- soon you find you've devoured the whole cake and lost the chance for what you've always wanted... if you're not careful.  If time changes your mind-- is it voluntary or is it forgetfulness?

And so I'm treading lightly into each day.  
Really tip-toeing through the mornings and quietly waiting during afternoons and letting the smoke hang thick long into evenings.
I'm listening very intently to songs, and I'm watching films and books and people for signals.
And I'm not going to say yes to anything that doesn't make me feel like I'm on a train, riding the coast of Scotland.

Do you understand?
I'm not asking you.  I'm telling you.  And my future self.

Friday, July 17, 2009

7/17/09 :: Crash

What's inspiring me these days?  There's a lot.  Now that I am back state-side, I am being walloped on the head with the approaching reality of my return to Detroit this fall.  Expectations for me and my work are high, and as for right now, I am really feeling the pressure to produce work with some sort of new insight.  

Instead of feeling the rush of motivation, I feel overwhelmed.  What is my style?  At what point do I feel confident that I'm doing something that works and not just re-using the same old tricks?  Where do my talents actually lie in the design world?  Should I be focusing in or reaching out?

I look at the AIGA 365, and I think I need to be trying to vary my projects.  I look at Jean Jullien, and I want to focus in and discover a style that suits me-- and then see how far I can run with it.  And then I look at the work of my peers, and I wonder if I'm measuring up.

I know all of these views are useless, and all I need to do is to make make make.  And to do that, you have to dive in... fearlessly.  But I am afraid.  Definitely very, very afraid.  There was something in Edinburgh that made me feel alive-- and now I'm starting to realize that maybe it was that I had freedom from this.  Freedom from creative bondage-- bondage to my work, to deadlines, to expectation.

That's life, eh?
I'm just hoping I can find some sort positive undercurrent within myself to guide me through these projects.  I hope I strike gold.
In the meantime, I'm just going to have to turn up my music and try, try again.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

6/16/9:: Spew

There is so much to be said, but I find myself pausing for long amounts of time over the keyboard.  I've avoided my blog and my livejournal for as long as possible.  How can I even begin to explain what I'm feeling?  I try to find closure, and I tear those feelings down because I have a right to be crushed and sad and ecstatic and nostalgic and full and free.  

The slow approach of my leaving Edinburgh crawls at me with the flipping of the calendar.  I hear my mom's voice telling me she misses me, and my stomach turns because I miss Scotland more already than I've missed anything I've ever been without.  

When I said goodbye to Shannon on Saturday, I couldn't bring myself to cry-- as much as I felt like I should.  In that moment, somehow I couldn't understand what kind of farewell it actually was.  My body programmed itself to believe that "I'll see you tomorrow" was a valid statement.  In reality, it will be a year before there is even the faint possibility of me seeing her in New York.  And after that, what becomes of that friendship?  The occasional facebook message or skype call.  A bunch of fading memories.

There have been literally... LITERALLY ENDLESS times where I've paused and truly realized how lucky I am.  Look at what I have been given. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my youth would be such a party.  NEVER in my most ridiculous imagination did I expect my adventures here to constitute such friendships and beautiful, amazing people.  I never dreamed I would ever go farther than Michigan.

I remember at age 16... looking at people's photos on the messageboard and wondering if my teen years would ever look so fun.  Wondering why I never had those kind of intensely sentimental experiences for myself.  Now I realize I've had more than one heart can hold.  

In Detroit, we have a design department-- and I have Josh.  Here in Edinburgh, I have a FAMILY.  And I'm not saying this in anyway to put down my friendship with Josh because he truly is one of the absolute loves of my life and the idea of seeing him again is one of the only things that makes leaving here okay.  But-- in all of my youth, I've always only had one best friend.  I've never been able to be one of those people who can put together a gathering of 30 people and feel surrounded by the love of friends.  I've only been here six months, and I finally have it.  It feels good to be a part of something like that.  It's the most amazing and painful thing, and I think the people here take it for granted because it is something they've always had.  I don't think they realize how lucky they are.  

I know that these words sound fake.  These words sound like the sort of thing you would expect anyone to say.
That's why it's fruitless.

There isn't any combination of words and sentences that could describe the feelings I am feeling.  It's mushy and sentimental-- but it's the truth and it has to be said.  

I try to stay positive and look forward to the future-- because who knows what it will bring.  I never knew it would bring me to this.  There's bound to be more good in the future.  

I hurt in ways I didn't know a heart could hurt.  Because it's not for a person-- it's for an entire stage of my growing up.  It's for 20 friendships.  It's for a city.  It's for a lifestyle.  
How do you find closure for a fleeting moment?

I'll never forget this feeling.

I'll update my blog properly soon.  But right now, I needed this.  I needed to say it.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

6/3/9:: Design Fail and The Bachelor

Another day of lazing.  I got up around 1pm, and I walked my unshowered self to HMV on Princes Street to buy the new PWolf album that was released on June 1st.  After seeing him perform it live and hearing it on myspace, I had a pretty good idea of what to expect-- I'd already memorized most of the tracks.  Still, I am floored by how powerful it is.  Can't wait to get it home and listen to it in my car.  I know at first I had my doubts about this new super-produced sound, but now I can't get enough of it.  Favorites: Hard Times, The Sun is Often Out, The Bachelor, Count of Casualty.

It was another day of watching my phone for Andy's call and trying to ignore the turning of the calendar.  

In other news, I have a motion piece due on Friday-- a title sequence for a television show called Get A Move On... a program about people buying and selling homes/property.  Since I don't have any video equipment here, I did a solid effort on putting together a stop-motion piece.  I was gutted to find that after three hours of work, I had made something shit-awful.  The camera was bouncing, the composition was stink, and the flash murdered everything.  I really hope I'm able to relocate my design talent over the summer...
Regardless, I've decided to give up on it and find something better to do on Friday than go to the critique.  I feel guilty, but it's not being assessed, and I know it won't matter.  Every time I get myself worked up over a project here, I am furious to find that it means nothing.  I guess I'm used to the pummeling CCS always gives to half-assed effort.  Also, I'm still a bit miffed at ECA about how I was treated when I turned in my assessment work.  I'll just make sure to make Friday count in some other way.

Speaking of assessment though... I go to view the senior's degree show tomorrow, as well as get my final marks for the two terms.  Should be an interesting day to say the least... 

We are the makers of music.
We are the dreamers of dreams.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

6/2/09:: Nick and Norah

Today was a bit of a bummer.  Andy left around 11am, and I was sad to see him go.  I had a lazy day and prepared myself for his call.  We had made plans to see each other again this evening.

I kept my phone glued to my side all day, periodically checking it to make sure I hadn't just not heard it ring.  Unfortunately, it was no mistake-- he never called.


I curled up in bed and watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.  Truly predictable and trend-a-rific, but I'm not ashamed to say that I enjoyed it.  

It really scares me that it's June now.  Now I will always know how many days are left in my adventure here.  There is so much about going home that scares me.  I'm not prepared to leave the life that I've been building here.  I will miss so much the way it has been so easy for me to meet people my own age, feel young-- and not to mention, just Edinburgh in general.  

Maybe that's why it was so hurtful when I didn't hear from Andy.  
I'm just really aware that happily ever after is getting shorter every day.

Monday, June 1, 2009

6/1/09 :: Jazz and Liverpool

Tonight, we went to The Jazz Bar-- a really lovely jazz place that I've been wanting to go to since February but just had never gotten around to it.  It was supposed to be a large group thing, but it turned out to be only the girls, Scott and Richy, and Tom McWilliam.  

I'm sure Tom must've wanted to punch himself in the face for being stuck with us for the night, but I really enjoyed his company.  He's going home for work placement on the tenth, and I probably won't be seeing him again.  It meant a lot to me that he came out.  Every time I hang out with him, I want to tell him that I wish I had gotten a chance to know him better.  But perhaps it won't be the last time I see him... so I shouldn't say things like that.

After some drinks and my first taste of Guinness (thanks Tom!), Dan and Claire showed up, and we decided to make a break for Cab Vol before it closed.  Not so surprisingly, the club was empty.  Dan spotted a guy in goofy glasses and plaid... and so I danced with him (obviously).  He asked me to go outside for a smoke, and I was surprised to find he was actually really lovely.

His name was Andy, and he was from Liverpool.  Andy and I decided to make a break for it and had the most smashing drunken walk home, perhaps in all of history.  I brought him back to my flat only to find my roommates had spotted Andy and I and had filmed us the whole way home. 

Anyway, Andy and I spent a really lovely night together, and I was truly sad when he left in the morning.    We smoked cigarettes as the sun came up and talked a lot about our families and music.  He made me laugh so, so much, and I felt really comfortable around him.  That's pretty rare-- at least for me.

I gave him my number, but he never called.  I'd like to think it's just because he's going back to Liverpool on Saturday, but it probably was a true diss.  Typical behavior from a not-so-typical guy.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

5/31/09 :: Circus Intermission

Truly fragile times from the evening saucing.  Truly the Sabbath day of rest.  My voice is totally gone.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

5/30/9 :: Spring/Summer Collection

Tonight was the second "graphic fashion" party-- celebrating bad fashion one more time.  This time, it was themed the spring and summer collection.  I re-ignited my good old gold suit by cutting off the arms and legs and adding some black tights.  I even commemorated the last party by drinking my vodka coke out of a jack daniel's bottle.

The party was fan-fucking-tastic, as per usual.  Lindsey and I lasted till about 6:30am before she left the party with Luke, and I lazed in Tom's bed.  Finally, Jamie and I caught a taxi to meet Linds and Luke in the meadows.  We had a good drunken frisbee session till 8am.  Lindsey and I stayed up to go to Subway when it opened at 10am, and it was probbbbably the best sandwich of my life.  Needless to say, when my head finally hit the pillow sometime around 11, I was done for.