7/12/11:: A meditation on prosophobia and dependency

Have you ever had to fight two opposing forces and push through to the center? (The dark center where you can't see the ground or feel the walls.) Both of my arms are stretched out in front and I'm reaching forward for something on which to stabilize, but everything is shifting and getting lost before I can grab on.

I meditate on my thoughts during the afternoons. I whisper mantras to myself in the morning when I sit alone in the park before work. You can endure this. It can all be endured.

Things were not so complicated just a short while ago. I had orientation to my surroundings– to the space between myself and other people. I've been a loner for a long time, and the only thing that puzzled me then was my general numbness and lack of emotion. Now I find feelings tucked away in every crevice. They creep up on me at the most unexpected moments, and I find myself overly sensitive to the opinions and actions of others. Say the word and I'll buy you dinner. I'll drop my plans. I'll rearrange my outlook. I'll make room for you and your needs because I don't seem to have any. Before you know it, my needs are one-in-the-same, indistinguishable from yours. I need to be needed. I need to have a clear space in their territory. I need things that are irrational, illogical, immeasurable, and most importantly… incapable of being stuffed into a tiny box on my calendar.

What a radical left turn.

I have melted and reformed as an entirely different animal. Lack of emotion replaced with hypersensitivity and dependency on the very same people that isolated me with their poor understanding of my condition.

Uncompromising waves and undercurrents and moodswings and fear.

Anxiety builds and goals get reprioritized and/or tossed to the wayside when you say the word.

Come closer. But get the fuck away from me.

3/3/10:: Biebs

I got the Bieber fever fever fever!

2/14/10:: Yellow Bird

i have not forgotten you.

my yellow bird.

2/12/10:: Revise and Regroup

If you don't like it, change it, we said, to each other and to ourselves. And so we would change the man, for another one. Change, we were sure, was for the better always. We were revisionists; what we revised was ourselves.

2/6/10:: No wise words

A rather stagnant time, this past week has been. Haphazard encounters with friends and the opposite sex, coupled with budget breaking and mild stress. While the rest of the east coast gets pummeled with 2 feet of snow, Detroit remains its same neutral, cold grey.

I finished my wood-working trophy wife project, and it's on display in the Taubman.






I also registered for graduation yesterday, which was both liberating and somewhat numbing. I see leaving CCS as an extremely positive thing, but I am not quite sure what lies beyond that. I'm torn between imagining myself in the happiest, most inspired conditions against living in my parents house and struggling through interview after interview in downtown Pittsburgh.

Whenever I'm in Detroit, I feel like I ride from one broken engagement/promise onto the next, stuffing my face with snack food and cigarettes all along the way.

Turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands.

1/26/10:: "Maybe it's just the wine"

I wake up, it's a bad dream
no one on my side
I was fighting, but I just feel too tired
to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side,
but you're long gone.
Yeah, you're long gone now.

Where do we go?
I don't even know.
My strange old face,
and just thinking about those days.
I'm thinking about those days.

1/9/10:: Another chapter

The eve of another change, another move, another "new start."
I've been going through this season after season-- state to state, friend to lover, parents to cat, job to school, car to taxi.

Of course, you always gain from transition, but if I do it too often, do I fail to remember to bring everything along? Have farewells and new beginnings become so routine that I've been neglecting to fully embrace them for all their opportunity and emotional possibility?

[It's making me nervous how every day seems the same.]


But of course, I don't really know what good worrying about any of it does. I keep moving. I keep trying.
I'm never so bad off as to just quit. I always wait for the rainbow, so to speak.

I've become very conditioned to the practice of saying goodbye gracefully. I do it so well that it almost unnerves me-–the robotic way I can walk through doors, drive away, sign off.
It's probably not the best way to be-- I've always believed feelings are the most important possession. But if you decide NOT to feel-- I believe that doesn't make you any less the owner of those feelings. Perhaps you are just controlling them better? Perhaps you are just more powerful than a person who lets them spill out into their hands.
It's a very perplexing question.


I'll remember the panic attacks. I'll remember the massage. I'll remember the green tea.
I'll remember the candles. The guacamole. The... gift.
I'll remember the glasses. The dancing. The movies. The book. The job. The questions.

He was so beautiful.
I've been so patient.

Souvenirs from Christmas holiday 2009.

11/27/09:: Rainbow Chaser

baby Decklan

Albert

I had a really beautiful Thanksgiving, involving both family and old friends. Reconnecting with Schvee, meeting Jess' new family, and spending lovely time with Albert. 

Life seems sweeter than usual today.

11/5/09 :: The Doors

come on, come on, come on, come on

now touch me, baby

can't you see that i am not afraid?

now i'm gonna love you

till the heavens stop the rain.

the mother of my 10th grade boyfriend called me a "desperate woman."

11/3/09 :: Get In

You know, this GENUINELY almost got me to quit smoking today.

And I'm not quite sure I've ever considered quitting yet.

Who says celebrities can't sell you on ideas?

Ewan, you are a powerful man.

8/1/09 :: Whatever I Like

Well, that was the funniest thing that's ever happened to me.

I guess my crush on T.I. / my psycho-behavior has been truly outted.

Way to be subtle, Kells.

6/2/09:: Nick and Norah

Today was a bit of a bummer.  Andy left around 11am, and I was sad to see him go.  I had a lazy day and prepared myself for his call.  We had made plans to see each other again this evening.

I kept my phone glued to my side all day, periodically checking it to make sure I hadn't just not heard it ring.  Unfortunately, it was no mistake-- he never called.

Crushed!

I curled up in bed and watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.  Truly predictable and trend-a-rific, but I'm not ashamed to say that I enjoyed it.  

It really scares me that it's June now.  Now I will always know how many days are left in my adventure here.  There is so much about going home that scares me.  I'm not prepared to leave the life that I've been building here.  I will miss so much the way it has been so easy for me to meet people my own age, feel young-- and not to mention, just Edinburgh in general.  

Maybe that's why it was so hurtful when I didn't hear from Andy.  

I'm just really aware that happily ever after is getting shorter every day.

6/1/09 :: Jazz and Liverpool

Tonight, we went to The Jazz Bar-- a really lovely jazz place that I've been wanting to go to since February but just had never gotten around to it.  It was supposed to be a large group thing, but it turned out to be only the girls, Scott and Richy, and Tom McWilliam.  

I'm sure Tom must've wanted to punch himself in the face for being stuck with us for the night, but I really enjoyed his company.  He's going home for work placement on the tenth, and I probably won't be seeing him again.  It meant a lot to me that he came out.  Every time I hang out with him, I want to tell him that I wish I had gotten a chance to know him better.  But perhaps it won't be the last time I see him... so I shouldn't say things like that.

After some drinks and my first taste of Guinness (thanks Tom!), Dan and Claire showed up, and we decided to make a break for Cab Vol before it closed.  Not so surprisingly, the club was empty.  Dan spotted a guy in goofy glasses and plaid... and so I danced with him (obviously).  He asked me to go outside for a smoke, and I was surprised to find he was actually really lovely.

His name was Andy, and he was from Liverpool.  Andy and I decided to make a break for it and had the most smashing drunken walk home, perhaps in all of history.  I brought him back to my flat only to find my roommates had spotted Andy and I and had filmed us the whole way home. 

PUNK'D.

Anyway, Andy and I spent a really lovely night together, and I was truly sad when he left in the morning.    We smoked cigarettes as the sun came up and talked a lot about our families and music.  He made me laugh so, so much, and I felt really comfortable around him.  That's pretty rare-- at least for me.

I gave him my number, but he never called.  I'd like to think it's just because he's going back to Liverpool on Saturday, but it probably was a true diss.  Typical behavior from a not-so-typical guy.

5/27/09 :: The Circus

Today Lindsey and I moved into Sara's flat in Marchmont-- just across the meadows from where I pay my rent.  Two of her flatmate's moved out but are still paying on the lease, so we decided to take a mini-vacation and move in for a bit.  

We celebrated our first night out by going to City, which was simply unusual, to be certain.  I brought home Liam, which was a joke and a half.  He seemed to think I was some sort of celebrity because I am American.  Not that I'm complaining, but it was truly weird.  To get him to leave, I pretended like I had to go to work and did a walk around the block in business casual clothes at 7:30am.  Hilarious.

We didn't see much of Sara on this night, as she was with Scott.  The card castle is from Lindsey and I the next morning-- bored waiting for Sara to get out of bed.  Turns out we'd have to wait till 4pm.

My life truly has become a circus.

5/23/9 :: Worst Day

[picture coming soon!]

Today was the worst day of my life.  Hands down.

It was my first day of work for the temp agency-- which I thought meant pushing pints at the Heineken cup with Shannon and Tom.  (The Heineken Cup is sort of liiike... The Superbowl of rugby).  I had a feeling, however, that it was too good to be true.  I was right.  Instead, Tom got put on the bar, and Shannon and I were sent off to work at Finest Cheeseburgers, a burger van on the other corner of the stadium.  It was hot, disgusting, and unsanitary-- hundreds of people crowded up for food with drunken faces.  There were no registers, so we were stuck doing all the math in our heads.  I worked 8 or 9 hours without a break-- no bathroom, no food, no cigarettes, nothing.  We even had to stay late to clean up the mingin van with some lady who I'm pretty sure had the swine flu.  I could write all day about how awful it was, but you'd never get the true picture unless you were there.

After we got off work (sometime around 9:30), Shannon and I made the long trek home... our feet swollen to the size of tanks.  We sang Disney tunes and limped the whole way back from Murrayfield.  

When I got home, I got a ring from Jack-- as it was our night to meet up.  I rushed into the shower and out to vodka rev, where I was due to meet him around midnight.  My feet were unbelievably sore, and my tights smelled like burgers, but I tried to make myself presentable.  When he finally showed up, I felt loads better.  I couldn't believe someone so beautiful was there to see me!  I finished my drink, and Jack and I headed off to Potterrow to go dancing together.

We waited in the long queue and chatted each other up.  I had lost Lindsey and Sara multiple times in the night already, so I tried to prepare myself for a night alone with Jack.  I was nervous because he was just so lovely-- I started to think maybe I had finally met someone in Europe that would last longer than a second.  When we got inside, we bought drinks and danced together.  It seemed like everything was going great-- we were kissing and talking a lot.  I could tell something was off though-- he wasn't being totally himself.  

After a bit, I suggested we step into the hall, so I could text the girls.  I wanted to find them to take some of the pressure away from Jack and me.  It was then that he dropped the bomb on me.  When we got outside the dance floor, he said, "Good, now we can talk."  We had been talking almost all night, so I knew this was no ordinary talk.  He began, "Promise not to get mad at me..."   Before he even finished his sentence, I knew what was coming-- "I have a girlfriend."  Then why text me?  Why meet up with me?  Why KISS me?  I was completely humiliated.  He made it worse by telling me he was using me to make her jealous.  I see this stuff in the teen movies all the time, but I just never expected it to happen to me.  I guess I just assume that everyone is decent, when really, I should have my guard up.  WAY up.  I was heart-broken.  I had been looking forward to this night for weeks.  

I went outside on my own and sat down on the wall.  I began frantically texting Lindsey and Sara.  I was ready to go home, and I was just trying desperately not to cry.  No answer from either of them, so I tried to catch a taxi.  My feet were swollen, and I was scared I was going to start crying-- but no taxi would drive me since I lived so close.  I walked home alone and just made it in the door before I started bawling my eyes out.  Thankfully, Josh was online to talk to me, but I'm sure I was barely making sense between the weeping and heaves.  I sent Jack a message telling him what he did was terrible, and he better not do that to anyone else.  If I could rewind time, I would've been a lot meaner.  He deserved to really be told off.  

Worst day ever.

5/22/9 :: Goodbye Gary and Why Not

Tonight was Gary's surprise goodbye party-- he's off to Mongolia for 3 months.  We all gathered in his flat for drinks and then went out to Why Not.  It was a good time all around.  Jack was supposed to meet up with me on this night, which he did-- but he couldn't get into the club because it was at capacity.  I snuck out and sat with him on the steps for a bit.  We chatted and kissed.  Just as lovely as I had remembered him to be.  We agreed to meet again the next night for a proper night together.

After that, I met back up with Lindsey and Sara.  Lindsey was in her finest form ever, and Sara and I struggled for a long time to get her home, haha.  We took lots of video and photographs to ensure that the next day she could see what a state she was in.  Ended the night with the chippy and some good music in my room.  

5/19/9 :: PWOLF and Biddys

Guess who is going to see Patrick Wolf in Glasgow!!! (mememememememememe!)

I went with Linds and Sar to get my ticket today, followed by pints somewhere around George Street.  In the evening, we got saucy at Biddy Mulligan's with a few American tourists.  

Highlights (and lowlights):

hearing wonderwall at biddy's (traumatizing)

proposing to lindsey

giving away my tequila shot

ginger minger + 22

5/17/9 :: Cheek Skin Snack

gaspard.  YES PLEASE!

if i had to die, i'd say you munching on my cheeks would probably be my number one choice.

i can sense this long-time crush rocketing into unhealthy infatuation.

i love you i love you i love you i love you

5/16/9 :: Yankee Fuck

Tonight was a great night out.  It began by Chinese take-out and Eurovision at Joe and Shonagh's flat.  I must say that Eurovision was really quite an experience-- I had no idea such balls-to-the-wall cheese still happened in this world.  

After the winner was announced, we played a few drinking games and went out to a few bars off of George Street.  The entire night was full of good people and good laughs.  

Also, on another high note, I got a text from Jack out of nowhere (though I admit I've thought his name was Zach this whole time, haha).  We are supposed to be meeting up this week, and I'm really kind of giddy about it.  

Yusssssss.

5/13/9 :: My English Romance?

always loved this song and the teenagers, but now it's just too true to handle.

bahaha.