Tuesday, June 16, 2009

6/16/9:: Spew

There is so much to be said, but I find myself pausing for long amounts of time over the keyboard.  I've avoided my blog and my livejournal for as long as possible.  How can I even begin to explain what I'm feeling?  I try to find closure, and I tear those feelings down because I have a right to be crushed and sad and ecstatic and nostalgic and full and free.  

The slow approach of my leaving Edinburgh crawls at me with the flipping of the calendar.  I hear my mom's voice telling me she misses me, and my stomach turns because I miss Scotland more already than I've missed anything I've ever been without.  

When I said goodbye to Shannon on Saturday, I couldn't bring myself to cry-- as much as I felt like I should.  In that moment, somehow I couldn't understand what kind of farewell it actually was.  My body programmed itself to believe that "I'll see you tomorrow" was a valid statement.  In reality, it will be a year before there is even the faint possibility of me seeing her in New York.  And after that, what becomes of that friendship?  The occasional facebook message or skype call.  A bunch of fading memories.

There have been literally... LITERALLY ENDLESS times where I've paused and truly realized how lucky I am.  Look at what I have been given. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my youth would be such a party.  NEVER in my most ridiculous imagination did I expect my adventures here to constitute such friendships and beautiful, amazing people.  I never dreamed I would ever go farther than Michigan.

I remember at age 16... looking at people's photos on the messageboard and wondering if my teen years would ever look so fun.  Wondering why I never had those kind of intensely sentimental experiences for myself.  Now I realize I've had more than one heart can hold.  

In Detroit, we have a design department-- and I have Josh.  Here in Edinburgh, I have a FAMILY.  And I'm not saying this in anyway to put down my friendship with Josh because he truly is one of the absolute loves of my life and the idea of seeing him again is one of the only things that makes leaving here okay.  But-- in all of my youth, I've always only had one best friend.  I've never been able to be one of those people who can put together a gathering of 30 people and feel surrounded by the love of friends.  I've only been here six months, and I finally have it.  It feels good to be a part of something like that.  It's the most amazing and painful thing, and I think the people here take it for granted because it is something they've always had.  I don't think they realize how lucky they are.  

I know that these words sound fake.  These words sound like the sort of thing you would expect anyone to say.
That's why it's fruitless.

There isn't any combination of words and sentences that could describe the feelings I am feeling.  It's mushy and sentimental-- but it's the truth and it has to be said.  

I try to stay positive and look forward to the future-- because who knows what it will bring.  I never knew it would bring me to this.  There's bound to be more good in the future.  

I hurt in ways I didn't know a heart could hurt.  Because it's not for a person-- it's for an entire stage of my growing up.  It's for 20 friendships.  It's for a city.  It's for a lifestyle.  
How do you find closure for a fleeting moment?

I'll never forget this feeling.



I'll update my blog properly soon.  But right now, I needed this.  I needed to say it.

1 comment:

lowercasenoun said...

you have such an old soul.