7/12/11:: A meditation on prosophobia and dependency

Have you ever had to fight two opposing forces and push through to the center? (The dark center where you can't see the ground or feel the walls.) Both of my arms are stretched out in front and I'm reaching forward for something on which to stabilize, but everything is shifting and getting lost before I can grab on.

I meditate on my thoughts during the afternoons. I whisper mantras to myself in the morning when I sit alone in the park before work. You can endure this. It can all be endured.

Things were not so complicated just a short while ago. I had orientation to my surroundings– to the space between myself and other people. I've been a loner for a long time, and the only thing that puzzled me then was my general numbness and lack of emotion. Now I find feelings tucked away in every crevice. They creep up on me at the most unexpected moments, and I find myself overly sensitive to the opinions and actions of others. Say the word and I'll buy you dinner. I'll drop my plans. I'll rearrange my outlook. I'll make room for you and your needs because I don't seem to have any. Before you know it, my needs are one-in-the-same, indistinguishable from yours. I need to be needed. I need to have a clear space in their territory. I need things that are irrational, illogical, immeasurable, and most importantly… incapable of being stuffed into a tiny box on my calendar.

What a radical left turn.

I have melted and reformed as an entirely different animal. Lack of emotion replaced with hypersensitivity and dependency on the very same people that isolated me with their poor understanding of my condition.

Uncompromising waves and undercurrents and moodswings and fear.

Anxiety builds and goals get reprioritized and/or tossed to the wayside when you say the word.

Come closer. But get the fuck away from me.

2/2/11:: I will survive this winter

via:

Cocorosie - Animals

Bon Iver - Flume

Rufus Wainwright - Sad With What I Have

Patrick Wolf - This Weather

The Radio Dept. - Pulling Our Weight

Red House Painters - Revelation Big Sur

Bright Eyes - Messenger Bird Song

Bon Iver - Blood Bank

The Smiths - I Know It's Over

Bright Eyes - A Song To Pass The Time

I don't usually reveal such private matters.

7/11/10:: Aftermath.

Things have been really intense lately.

Car accident.
Broken pelvis. Broken tailbone.
Hospital.
Morphine. Pain pills. IV.
Constipation.
Walkers. Canes. Wheelchairs.
Sleep.
Pain pills.
Rehab. Physical therapists.
Crying.
Sleep.
Pain pills.

Then California..
Pain.
Travel.
Tired.
JOE!
Emotional turmoil...
Yet grateful..

Now I'm home, and the excitement is over.

I quit smoking today. I set the goal long ago-- "I'll quit smoking the day after my 23rd birthday."
I actually never really was sure if I was going to do it or not.
But surprisingly, I acted like a robot this morning. I smoked my last cigarette on the front porch, and as soon as I was done, I made my mom drive me to the pharmacy to get Nicorette.

The withdrawal headache is the worst part so far, and the gum doesn't really seem to do anything about that.
I'm having my first piece just now though-- made it through the whole day without it.

We'll see.

Hoping to turn a lot of things around about my life right now. It's hard to stay positive, but I'm doing my best.
That's all I can say for right now.

Sigh.

5/27/10:: The New Summer

I feel a bit odd writing here, as I've been uber-neglectful of my blogging-life for a while now. I graduated college, believe it or not. I now have a BFA in graphic design from College for Creative Studies of Detroit, Michigan. Whew. It's weird how four years of my life gets summed up in one sentence. Nice and tidy-- I kind of like it.

I've moved back home to Pittsburgh, and I am living with my parents while I sort out a job/apartment. I'd been dreading this move for such a long time, but now that I've done it, it actually has been really good to me. The stress is miles away, and I've been enjoying summer days of bike riding, book reading, car washing, badminton, mocha frapps, trips to the city, and all other sorts of mini-joys. The best part of it is the weather making it so easy to fill up my days. Every morning I awake and think I hear rain-- I pull back the shade, and WALA! Gorgeous summer day. It's like my brain just refuses to believe that this kind of weather happens to people like me.

The job-front is a war I'm currently fighting. I've had one awesome interview, and it has resulted in a test project. I've been tinkering around with it for a few days now, and I am getting anxious to know where it will lead.

Oh, I also cut 8 inches of my hair off and dyed it blonde. So that's awesome too.

My family is starting to buzz with the news of our beach trip to California. We went last year, and now it is a yearly event. What makes it 5 billion times more exciting is the fact that my amazing friend from Edinburgh is coming with me. The day is approaching super fast, but it still can't get here soon enough. So much has happened since we first hatched this plan-- and now that the major college obstacles are behind me, it is making the wait even MORE excruciating.


It's my favorite part of the summer day right now-- 7pm. Sun is just setting, the breeze kicks in, and it's ALLLL good.


Back to work though. Ay dios.

1/9/10:: Another chapter

The eve of another change, another move, another "new start."
I've been going through this season after season-- state to state, friend to lover, parents to cat, job to school, car to taxi.

Of course, you always gain from transition, but if I do it too often, do I fail to remember to bring everything along? Have farewells and new beginnings become so routine that I've been neglecting to fully embrace them for all their opportunity and emotional possibility?

[It's making me nervous how every day seems the same.]


But of course, I don't really know what good worrying about any of it does. I keep moving. I keep trying.
I'm never so bad off as to just quit. I always wait for the rainbow, so to speak.

I've become very conditioned to the practice of saying goodbye gracefully. I do it so well that it almost unnerves me-–the robotic way I can walk through doors, drive away, sign off.
It's probably not the best way to be-- I've always believed feelings are the most important possession. But if you decide NOT to feel-- I believe that doesn't make you any less the owner of those feelings. Perhaps you are just controlling them better? Perhaps you are just more powerful than a person who lets them spill out into their hands.
It's a very perplexing question.


I'll remember the panic attacks. I'll remember the massage. I'll remember the green tea.
I'll remember the candles. The guacamole. The... gift.
I'll remember the glasses. The dancing. The movies. The book. The job. The questions.

He was so beautiful.
I've been so patient.

Souvenirs from Christmas holiday 2009.

1/4/10:: Wintery Boredom

trapped inside bc the roads were too bad to spend the night with friends.
guess it's another movie night for me.

sigh.
going to other places in my head.

11/27/09:: Rainbow Chaser

baby Decklan

Albert

I had a really beautiful Thanksgiving, involving both family and old friends. Reconnecting with Schvee, meeting Jess' new family, and spending lovely time with Albert. 

Life seems sweeter than usual today.

balance beam

8/1/09 :: Motivation-ish

now i'm hunched over a typewriter.  i guess you call that paintin' in a cave
and there's a word i can't remember and a feeling i cannot escape.
and now my ashtray's over-flowin' and i'm still starin' at a clean, white page.
oh and morning's at my window--  she is sending me to bed again.

7/27/09 :: Just Like Honey

The songs and films are still the same, but they have different meaning now, don't they?  The girl has progressed, but the personal desires haven't.  Is it a hunger that I'm going to indulge or accept?

Questions that time answers.

I'm sleepless and curious, and I feel trapped inside a body that just wants to wander.  That's always been on the forefront of my mind, but even after an adventure, I'm still not finding myself fully satisfied.  All I can see is what I haven't seen yet... and time and money are waning.

The clock is ticking toward my graduation and career and permanent housing and marriage.  Could someone ever satisfy me enough to weigh down these feet, or even further, could I ever be satisfied to see these things with someone at my side?  

In my mind, these experiences can't be had by anyone (or with anyone) but solely myself, and yet I don't know how much farther, realistically, I can take myself.  Distance-wise or emotionally or least interestingly of all, financially.

It worries me that I keep getting closer to these things that excite most people, but to me, just seem like cement blocks on my ankles.  In exactly one year, I will be expected to take my first step down (what in my mind seems like) one of two very distinct paths.  

I know I don't have to live a life like everyone else.  I know these decisions are completely mine, and I have the power to firmly place my wanderings above all else-- make it happen.  But see, I DO want parts of that other life.  I do want a white dress and a nice car.  Biologically, there is a time limit.  So, where will my desires intersect, or are my choices black or white?  Yes or no? This or that?

These are the questions I can't get off of my mind at night.  I'll wander into the answers, slowly, over time.  I'll make the decisions one by one by one.  But that's precisely what scares me most.  Defeat is easier to take in small bites-- soon you find you've devoured the whole cake and lost the chance for what you've always wanted... if you're not careful.  If time changes your mind-- is it voluntary or is it forgetfulness?

And so I'm treading lightly into each day.  
Really tip-toeing through the mornings and quietly waiting during afternoons and letting the smoke hang thick long into evenings.
I'm listening very intently to songs, and I'm watching films and books and people for signals.
And I'm not going to say yes to anything that doesn't make me feel like I'm on a train, riding the coast of Scotland.

Do you understand?
I'm not asking you.  I'm telling you.  And my future self.

1/2/09 :: Chas hates packing

It's the night before the big leap across the pond.  I've been dealing with Power of Attorney, credit cards, cell phones, and all sorts of gross stuff all day long.  The fun was topped off with lots of packing.  That disgruntled little guy you see perched on my suitcase is Chas.  He is quite excited for the trip, but you probably can't tell in this photo.  He only smokes when he is stressed-- which is all the time.  Packing is hard work, but I know he's secretly looking forward to the haggis.

It's time to sift through the paperwork one last time and double check all my lists.  I'd like to get some sleep tonight, but I don't know if that's even reasonable the night before you move to another country.  I'm really excited, but there are so many things to worry about and take care of that I'm pretty nervous too...

If Jersey's airport doesn't offer free internet, the next time I update could very well be from another country.  

So incredibly awesome.

: D

12 hours till blast-off!

1/1/09 :: The Last Supper

For the past few weeks, I've been on edge about the trip.  It's hard work being so excited and anxious about something for so long-- results in lots of sleepless nights.  Not to mention, for the past week, we've had 8 people staying at our house (my dad's two sisters and their families), so there hasn't been much quiet time to collect myself.  

We've been having these enooormous meals every night since their arrival, and tonight was the finale with the classic turkey dinner while watching The Rose Bowl (I fell asleep).  This was my last real home-cooked meal before my big trip. Tomorrow I will be rushing around and packing, so I've just been sitting back and enjoying the relaxing evening as much as I can.  I'm going to go for a walk after dessert.  Nothing says Pennsylvania like dad's cooking and one final jaunt through the small green hills.

1.5 days till blast off.