Saturday, February 14, 2009

2/14/9 :: Candy Heart

I've really got to sort myself out.  I'm having a bit of an existential crisis.  For a while, it was loads of fun going out at night, and I didn't mind so much that I always went home alone.  I've never really minded being the clown, and I've always dealt with my attraction to men in a loud or joking way.  Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.  Now, my attitude is slowly morphing into that of a lonely soul.  

What is it that I'm trying to do here?  On the surface, it really just looks like I'm trying to fetch a mate, but that's not the case at all.

I just want something that really strikes me, you know?  The nights where you're just lying in good company and having conversations that make you feel different.  I've had many of those nights before, and I keep them close in my memory when I'm feeling down.  Parties are fun, but they don't matter in the morning.  I'm trying to regain a healthier and more self-sufficient mindset.  

(Fuck, how much more self-sufficient can you be expected to be when you move to another country all alone?)   
A bit more than this.

I can't force myself into meaningful interactions, and that's always been my struggle. 
The moon changes, and that's when it all floods in.

POSITIVE ENERGY IN THESE VARIETIES: i want to live more like that.

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