Tuesday, July 12, 2011

7/12/11:: A meditation on prosophobia and dependency

Have you ever had to fight two opposing forces and push through to the center? (The dark center where you can't see the ground or feel the walls.) Both of my arms are stretched out in front and I'm reaching forward for something on which to stabilize, but everything is shifting and getting lost before I can grab on.

I meditate on my thoughts during the afternoons. I whisper mantras to myself in the morning when I sit alone in the park before work. You can endure this. It can all be endured.

Things were not so complicated just a short while ago. I had orientation to my surroundings– to the space between myself and other people. I've been a loner for a long time, and the only thing that puzzled me then was my general numbness and lack of emotion. Now I find feelings tucked away in every crevice. They creep up on me at the most unexpected moments, and I find myself overly sensitive to the opinions and actions of others. Say the word and I'll buy you dinner. I'll drop my plans. I'll rearrange my outlook. I'll make room for you and your needs because I don't seem to have any. Before you know it, my needs are one-in-the-same, indistinguishable from yours. I need to be needed. I need to have a clear space in their territory. I need things that are irrational, illogical, immeasurable, and most importantly… incapable of being stuffed into a tiny box on my calendar.

What a radical left turn.

I have melted and reformed as an entirely different animal. Lack of emotion replaced with hypersensitivity and dependency on the very same people that isolated me with their poor understanding of my condition.

Uncompromising waves and undercurrents and moodswings and fear.

Anxiety builds and goals get reprioritized and/or tossed to the wayside when you say the word.

Come closer. But get the fuck away from me.


Anonymous said...

wow !!!!!! nicely written..... and exactly what God [obviously] wanted me to run across today...

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