Wednesday, March 18, 2009

3/18/9 :: Body Image

I keep telling myself that it's really not me or my fault.  It's weird though-- that I've never struggled with self-esteem or body image issues before I came here, and now, it's practically all I think about.  Something about this place has made me super self-conscious and uncomfortable.  I constantly feel unattractive, and it's really starting to bother me.  I've never had this problem before, so I don't exactly know how to shut it off.

I'm always conscious of what I'm wearing and how others are looking at me.  I can't stand going to bars because I always feel like everyone is looking at me in a bad way... or worse, not looking at me at all.  It's kind of sick... I've never been this kind of person.  Ever, ever, ever.  I've always felt confident, and I've never really found it hard to communicate with the opposite sex.  Now, my first thought when approaching a guy on a night out is, "He's probably going to think, 'Oh fuck.  I'm stuck talking to the ugly friend.'"  These negative feelings... they happen mostly when I am out with Lindsey and Sara-- to the point where I often walk home alone, almost in tears.  

I know it's ridiculously dumb, but for some reason, I can't shake it.

I think I need to switch up something about my lifestyle.  Not sure where to start, but I really don't want this to ruin my experience here. 


Scott Daly said...

I think everyone battles with self-esteem/body issues once in awhile, Kelly. I think its only natural. In all honesty it happens to me more than I would like to admit. From my experience if I don't shut off that little voice inside my head that is saying, "Dude you sound like a total chump, stop talking." then I would never get a single word on any conversation. Some days are better than others but for me its always a struggle. The good thing is we're all insecure, most of us just don't know that the other person we're talking to is thinking the same thing.

Anyways you are beautiful and if a guy could possibly think anything different than do you really want to be around a chotch like that?

Perhaps I've been watching to many movies like "the Secret" or "What the Bleep do we know?" but I really do think that our thoughts create our reality, so if I find my mind wondering towards the negative, I just snap myself out of it as fast as I can. I'm working on my sunny disposition face.

Anyways I don't know who couldn't resist a Metallic Gold Spandex Jumpsuit. :) I miss ya kid. Take care.

justlikehoneyyy said...

Hey Scoots!

Thanks for the lovely response. It's just that I really, really know that it's silly... and everyone deals with it at some point... and that it's in my power to change it. But for whatever reason, lately I've just really been struggling.

I'm so glad you liked the gold spandex suit! SUCH a fun night! You'd think someone who has the confidence to wear something like that wouldn't be having these problems... but I think I might've just done it to be the clown. (To take the focus off of me trying to be attractive and give myself an excuse not to find any guys at the party.) It's easier just to make em laugh. That's something I've always been able to do, without worry.

But anyway, really, I'm thankful for your support <3! I miss you too. I'm sad I'm going to miss those first days of spring at CCS, where everyone spills outside. That's how we first met, you know!