Friday, April 10, 2009

4/10/9 :: Onward, Progress, So it seems...

If you go straight long enough, you will end up back at your starting point.

I've been twisting and turning, getting farther and farther away from where I began. Parts of me are the same, but they are now layers beneath my new life and new state of mind. As usual, my priorities are jumbled.

I read old lists of goals, and some of them, I have come in contact with. It's no longer hard for me to be sincere. It's no longer hard for me to be honest. It's no longer hard for me to feel as if I belong somewhere.

But it gets harder and harder every day to make art. To care about what I actually set out to do with my life.

My decision to pursue the life of a successful graphic designer seems like the wishes of an infant. The way I used to toil over tiny details... was I ever really that person? The longing to be the best still remains, but it is twisted in frustrations and lack of motivation. How can I get so angry about falling behind, when I do nothing to prevent it? And if it bothers me so much, why is there not a part of me that has the willpower to make change? When will this layer surface? Or did I peel it off two years ago, never to be seen again?

My future does not interest me, and I hate that about myself. 
It's a childish mindset. And while other parts of me constantly mature and change, this aspect of my personality seems to only degenerate. I am constantly getting farther and farther away from where I should be work-wise. Becoming a graphic designer used to be my one solid fascination, and it has been replaced with fantasies of travel, experience, people, clothes, sex, fun, and philosophical assumptions...

Lately, I've been getting really into astrology. I've always strongly identified with my personality as a cancerian. It has always been a comfort to me that there is some sort of larger explanation for who I am and the way I function. Through all of the drastically different stages of my life, it has never been a wrong note. The underlying spiritual goal of a Cancer is to find balance. Never in my life has this not proven to be my most important goal. Never in my life has this not been on the very front of my mind. I am constantly on this quest, and I have never, ever come close to finding it.

Perhaps it is my destiny to remain tipped to one side, always. Too interested in love. Too interested in freedom. Too interested in work. Too interested in sex. Too interested in... whatever.

You can long for something different... but you have to find it somewhere within yourself to make that change. And if the drive isn't there... if deep down, you really don't care enough to do anything... what then? What if you honestly, 100% don't have ANY desire to fix things? What can you do? 

I'm like an addict. 
I see what I could have, but I absolutely can't deny myself the things that are holding me back.
For the future, I wish to accumulate self-discipline.

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