Sunday, April 26, 2009

4/26/9 :: Cops N Robbers

Hey, tired eyes.
I'm really disappointed in what I've become.  FACT.

If you are guilty, put your hands up.

I came to Edinburgh for inspiration, and I am finding myself in a constant state of general decay.  I don't even bother with discretion anymore.  I get sloppy and drape myself on half-strangers at parties, mostly because I can't find anything better to do.  I spend days in bed or on Princes Street.  I haven't designed for months, and I still have no desire.

I miss my college in the USA for its push.  I always thought the "American Dream" was kind of bullshit, but it's not.  There is no sense of achievement for me here.  There is nothing driving me.

Today was the first day that I have really felt ready to go home.

I really need to find it-- whatever it is that I'm looking for.  I sit around, and I wait for people.  Nothing that I am doing really has anything to do with myself or my development as an artist/person.  I want to fix it, but I really, really, really just don't know how.
This is scary.
Another day, lying in bed.
It's not okay at all.
I am really sad about what I'm doing to myself.  
But, like an addict, I don't have the strength to take away those things that are preventing me from going up.

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