Sometimes I feel like the actual vessel that is my skull is going to explode open with the pressure building in my brain. My eyes are going to run so fast with tears that my eyeballs will just wash right out of their sockets. My jaw will be stretched as wide open as it will go to let all the words and memories and pictures spew out. An actual horror movie explosion of dreams and thoughts and memories and happiness and things I've been trying to save.
In reality, I just close my eyes, and I put my hands over my face. I sit very still, and I try to remember the way people sounded when they said something to me that I found very moving or special. My eyelids start fluttering and my forehead wrinkles up. My hands tremble, and my ears get hot. I can feel myself blushing in my own hands.
Sometimes it's truly overwhelming to love life as much as I do. And very hurtful to remember beautiful things and wonder if something as special will ever happen again. It always does. There's always something on the horizon. I am not fearful or regretful. I just want to keep them all forever. Just as clearly as they happened in that moment, right up there. In my head. So I can visit it whenever I want.
I swear my brain has a heartbeat.
Pulse pulse pulse.
I've been so blessed.