9/30/09:: Review

Today was my end-of-the-year review for last year's design work. Typically this review occurs at the end of the school year, and it determines whether or not your work is good enough for you to move on to the next level. You are graded on a system of 1- 4 in different categories, 4 being the best and 1 being the worst. 

 I stayed up most of last night preparing for it-- not to mention all of the work I did over the weekend and summer to get ready. Then, today, Doug (the head of the design department and my senior studio professor) sat down in front of all my work, casually flipped through it, "yeah" and "uh huh"ed all my discussion, and then just let loose.

He told me that I have no sense of typography. He told me I'm using a design vocabulary in my work that speaks of 2003, and that I am riding a dead trend with my ideas. And when I told him of having ambitions for London, he told me that if I don't start working 10x harder, it pretty much will never happen. He gave me a large helping of 2's and a few 1's.

I'm so filled with anger that I could scream. Why does everyone have to be a god damn Stephen Sagmeister in this field??? I've worked so hard at trying to reassemble some form of care for this profession/path I'm moving down, and every time I get close to getting my foot on it, I get a swift kick in the ass back to the land of I Don't Give A Fuck. How am I supposed to work harder when I am already staying up all night, every single night... with the flu, chainsmoking away my panic attacks...  ???

I will be the first to admit that I didn't do very much work in Scotland. In fact, I did pretty much nothing beyond the first identity system I did for Ecommo. Fine. But I did make a large earnest effort to fix that with supplementary projects that I did entirely on my own over the summer and into the beginning of this year.  Sure, they weren't stark-raving genius, but I thought they were certainly worth talking about. Instead, the only mention Doug made of them was to tell me that my book project was going to do absolutely nothing for my portfolio, and that I am in no shape to compete with people in London for jobs because they are the best.   ...And I'm dirt?

What if I don't want to be a fucking trend-tastic design star?  What if I just want a strong enough portfolio to get a job at a reasonable design firm in the city of my choosing? I don't care about being in design annuals. I don't care about being famous or having big name clients or hosting lecture series or being top creative director.

And regardless of what was said today, I know that I started off this year packing serious heat. I came back to CCS with a fire under my ass to make myself known again in the design department, amongst faculty and students. And instead, I've been trampled upon by the person whose respect I was trying to earn, my work isn't hung in the hallway along with everyone else's, and I'm tired/annoyed as fuck.

I just want to forget the whole thing and drop out. Screw it. I just need to find a man to pay off my loans and pump me full of babies.