5/6/9 :: Garbage

I've been scanning my trash and things I find lying around on the floor in my room.  I don't know if I'm trying to savor memories or if I'm just suddenly aware of/fascinated by how different my life is here.

I think blogging has a lot to do with loneliness. I often come here to write when I have something I want to tell someone but don't have anyone to tell. Out of all the things I miss from the USA (one huge one being my car), what I think I miss most of all is having a regular phone. Just being able to call one of many people at any time for a chat.

I'd probably call Josh right now.

And I'd tell him about my rejection letters from some of the companies. And how I applied to about 10 more companies. And I'd tell him that I finally talked to Wilson. He seemed to not notice that we haven't talked in a long time-- he's been sick with the flu. .

My room is really, truly trashed. I also have no idea what I'm going to do for my website redesign, which is due on Friday morning. I've thought about it a bit, but nothing really seems to stick with me as a great idea. 

Lindsey and Sara are both mad at me. Partly because I was a total bitch to them when the London thing got cancelled. I can't help feeling like they teamed up on me behind my back. I saw them today, laughing on the street under an umbrella, and they didn't acknowledge me. I wasn't really surprised.

Everything seems like a bad decision. I feel confident in nothing right now. I need to sort things out and start making some choices that I feel truly confident in. I don't know where to start, and I'm not sure I have the energy. 

I need some courage.

It's raining cats and dogs out. How fitting.
No wonder I feel weighted to the bed.

5/5/9 :: Outgoing Messages

If it's not going to be given, I'm just gonna have to go get it myself.   

If you're not willing to join me, then I'll have to go alone.

Here's to a better future.

5/5/9 :: Wit's End

I feel as if I could really just die.  I didn't think it was possible to be so entirely let down by anything as much as I am with ECA.  This morning is the last straw, honestly.

Throughout the entirety of my stay, I have never once really been inspired to do anything.  I've been completely balled over with how I have absolutely nothing to do with my time-- WHERE are all the projects?  The only advice anyone could give me is to start doing things for myself, but the motivation was never there.  I've written about this many, many times.

Finally last night, the feelings I've been longing for since January arrived in full-force.  I had an inspiring idea that would not only be an exceptional way to present my work for my assessment, but also would really help me with getting credit back at CCS.  I stayed up until almost 4am, sketching and preparing to start work on it today.  I emailed Derek about it in a lengthy, well-worded email.  I set my alarm for 7:30am, but I couldn't fall asleep.  I just laid there awake, planning it all out in my head.  FINALLY!

And then... I wake up this morning.  And I check my email for feedback.  And there it is.  The last straw.  

Basically, it was made clear to me that this project would not be assessed and should be completed only if I am "time-rich."  Also-- I got a half-hearted scold/warning that I should be in the studio today to receive feedback on my website from Annie.  This is after I already made the point that my website has not really been much of a project for me, as I already had a fully functioning website before I came to ECA.

It's fine that the projects my classmates are doing are things that I have already done-- but you'd think that ECA would in SOME WAY be willing to work with me to adapt the program so it is beneficial for me.  Because I'm only paying 25,000 dollars to be here.  

They can't even give me a desk in the studio.  I work on top of other people's scrap piles.

FED UP.

I literally have nowhere to go from here.

If ECA were a person, I'd shit on the hood of their car.

5/4/9 :: Music Samplings

Here is the playlist that I have had on repeat every morning as I get ready for over four months.  (Some tracks are newer than others.)

1. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Over and Over Again (Lost and Found)

2. Neutral Milk Hotel - The King Of Carrot Flowers (Part One)

3. Xiu Xiu- I Luv The Valley OH

4. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah- Details Of The War

5. Wolf Parade- I'll Believe In Anything

6. Animal Collective- For Reverend Green

7. The Beatles- Ticket To Ride

8. Shocking Pinks- This Arching Deal

9. The Dodos- Eyelids

10. Nico- These Days

11. Fleet Floxes- White Winter Hymnal

12. Panda Bear- Comfy in Nautica

13. DeVotchka- The Clockwise Witness

14. The Pipettes- Dirty Mind

15. The Teenagers- Homecoming

16. The Jesus and Mary Chain- Hardest Walk

17. The Smiths- Shoplifters Of The World Unite

18. Against Me!- Those Anarcho Punks Are Mysterious

19. Panda Bear- Take Pills

I heard an amazing song at Luke's the other night that I really wanted to add, but I couldn't grab his attention to get the title or artist.  

I really love it here, but I really hate not having a car to drive to Walmart at any time of the night to get supplies when I have an urge to make something.  Right now, I really want to make some hemp jewelry.   No luck.  Not only is no place open, but I haven't been able to find hemp anywhere in Edinburgh the entire time I've been here.

I've had mixed feelings about it for the past week, but I'm over it now.  I am ready for my tattoo.  My appointment is Saturday at 12:30.  Wish me luck.

I feel really bad about not taking a picture today on my lunch with Joe, so to make up for it I have posted a really, super super embarrassing video that was taken one EXTREMELY drunken night in London.  I am so good at humiliating myself that it hurts.  Good times, girls.  Not only do I obviously have no sense of key when drunkenly singing, but apparently I also will never learn the words to this song.  The "WANKER!" at the end-- it gets me every time.

5/4/9 :: Lucid Dreaming

I seek courage.

5/3/9 :: Ass

I'm pretty sure I'm killing myself.  My body is giving up.  The smell of my ash tray makes me sick to my stomach.  I think I would like to quit smoking soon, but I know it is a few years off.  I'm a terribly unbalanced person, and I appreciate it as a habit that is a constant comfort.   Sadly, smoking keeps me level, and in some instances, it heightens my enjoyment of things.  What would a summer drive be without a good song, sunglasses, and a smoke?  

Still, I can feel my body telling me to stop.  Why can't the mind and body communicate in sync with one another?  Why has no one figured out how to make cigarettes healthy yet?  Tobacco companies would make more money if their buyers would quit dying...

I made a nice day for myself.  Took my time getting up and showering.  First day in almost four months that I haven't put on make up.  Went for groceries and stopped to have a coffee by myself.  Doing some laundry and about to make myself a dinner that isn't pizza, cheeseburger, or chips.  Had a moment as I was walking around outside when I stopped to really appreciate the fact that I am here.  It's such a beautiful place.  I wish people who have grown up here knew how spoiled they are.

This morning, Monica (my flatmate) caught me performing a cooking show for Josh via skype in the kitchen.  I was doing my best southern accent and was just about to explain how to apply the salad dressing, when Monica walked in.  Talk about awkward, hahaha...

If she suspected I was insane before, I've officially just sealed the deal.

5/2/9 :: Story Is All Over You

To be perfectly honest, my life here recently has been a bit of a blur.  Tonight was my 4th night in a row of drinking-- a house party at Jo's.  The picture above is from two nights ago at Cab Vol.  That's Zach.  Heh.  It's all in good fun, of course, but it comes with a price.  

Unreturned phone calls.  Half-hearted interactions.   Beef between friends.  Things that I just usually would avoid in the United States... they are hitting me full-force here.

I found out today that people do actually read this blog.  TOM, STOP READING!  It made me feel both really happy and really sad.  I know he was only joking, but when Tom made the comment that he had the impression that I didn't like Edinburgh, it bothered me.  I do like it here.  I really, really do.  

It's just such a huge internal struggle... every single day.  There is so much to consider-- my life at home.  My life here.  The ways in which I am changing.

Do I go back to London?  Do I withhold things that I am feeling that might hurt others?  

Life lessons, and all that bullshit.

I knew that I would be learning a lot about myself here, but I wasn't sure how.  I'm still not sure I understand what it is that I'm finding out, but I can feel it happening every single day.

That, in itself, is a comfort.