7/11/10:: Aftermath.

Things have been really intense lately.

Car accident.
Broken pelvis. Broken tailbone.
Hospital.
Morphine. Pain pills. IV.
Constipation.
Walkers. Canes. Wheelchairs.
Sleep.
Pain pills.
Rehab. Physical therapists.
Crying.
Sleep.
Pain pills.

Then California..
Pain.
Travel.
Tired.
JOE!
Emotional turmoil...
Yet grateful..

Now I'm home, and the excitement is over.

I quit smoking today. I set the goal long ago-- "I'll quit smoking the day after my 23rd birthday."
I actually never really was sure if I was going to do it or not.
But surprisingly, I acted like a robot this morning. I smoked my last cigarette on the front porch, and as soon as I was done, I made my mom drive me to the pharmacy to get Nicorette.

The withdrawal headache is the worst part so far, and the gum doesn't really seem to do anything about that.
I'm having my first piece just now though-- made it through the whole day without it.

We'll see.

Hoping to turn a lot of things around about my life right now. It's hard to stay positive, but I'm doing my best.
That's all I can say for right now.

Sigh.

6/1/10:: Surfin USA

If everybody had an ocean
Across the U.S.A.
Then everybody'd be surfin'
Like californ-I-A
You'd see 'em wearin' their baggies
Huarachi sandals, too
A bushy bushy blonde hairdo
Surfin' U.S.A.


ONLY 31 DAYS AWAY. <3

10/10/09:: Mystery

Recent events have brought some new and interesting thoughts to the fore-front of my mind.

My opinion of the design industry has been in a consistent down-spiral, you could say starting as long as a year ago, but most notably just this semester.  So how do I deal with what is truly inevitable about my future-- the need to accumulate enough money to be on my own, a design job, loan payments?  I'm not going to disregard this degree that I've suffered so long for-- even if I do think it is a complete load of miserable rubbish. So how am I going to make this work?

My answer is a simple one: mystery.

I need to retain mystery. First of all, I need to stop complaining so much. No one understands me when I complain.  No one cares when I complain. And frankly, it's not really making me feel any better either.

Second of all, if all I can think about is getting back to Edinburgh, then I need to make some decisions about what is going to happen come May. Am I going to decide to save up for a summer trip, or am I going to plan to move back for a job as soon as I graduate? My mother and I just recently (yesterday) had a really depressing argument about it. I asked for a ticket to go back over spring break as my Xmas present, and she shot me down saying that I've done enough jet-setting and now it's time to get serious. I have loan payments, and I need to use that spring break + every penny I have on finding a job for graduation.

True.

But I miss my friends.

And my friends here are rarely around, and most of the time, do not make me happy.

So, something has to happen. Not saying I have the answers yet, but this is something I'm going to start seriously dealing with... starting now.

I'm just going to do my work. I'm going to try my best to ignore the inner-pangs for a boyfriend. For fun social interaction. I'm just going to stay home. And do my work. And not complain about it. 

Sure, I'm riding a little bit on karma here. Hoping that if I just do what I'm supposed to, somehow it will work out for me. 

I'm just tired of being unhappy, and thus it is time to actually make an effort toward something that might make feel good about life again-- instead of just stewing in my own shit all the time.

10/6/09 :: Detroit Public Transit

This is me and GOMAR just moments before we took a bus to the ghetto-ass east side and got stranded there in the rain. AKA: I was fearing for my life. We are researching for a project to re-brand the disaster that is Detroit Public Transit. This is us trying to decipher one of the only maps-- a block away from the bus depot. Classic.

Yay Detroit. Yay Research!

7/27/09 :: Just Like Honey

The songs and films are still the same, but they have different meaning now, don't they?  The girl has progressed, but the personal desires haven't.  Is it a hunger that I'm going to indulge or accept?

Questions that time answers.

I'm sleepless and curious, and I feel trapped inside a body that just wants to wander.  That's always been on the forefront of my mind, but even after an adventure, I'm still not finding myself fully satisfied.  All I can see is what I haven't seen yet... and time and money are waning.

The clock is ticking toward my graduation and career and permanent housing and marriage.  Could someone ever satisfy me enough to weigh down these feet, or even further, could I ever be satisfied to see these things with someone at my side?  

In my mind, these experiences can't be had by anyone (or with anyone) but solely myself, and yet I don't know how much farther, realistically, I can take myself.  Distance-wise or emotionally or least interestingly of all, financially.

It worries me that I keep getting closer to these things that excite most people, but to me, just seem like cement blocks on my ankles.  In exactly one year, I will be expected to take my first step down (what in my mind seems like) one of two very distinct paths.  

I know I don't have to live a life like everyone else.  I know these decisions are completely mine, and I have the power to firmly place my wanderings above all else-- make it happen.  But see, I DO want parts of that other life.  I do want a white dress and a nice car.  Biologically, there is a time limit.  So, where will my desires intersect, or are my choices black or white?  Yes or no? This or that?

These are the questions I can't get off of my mind at night.  I'll wander into the answers, slowly, over time.  I'll make the decisions one by one by one.  But that's precisely what scares me most.  Defeat is easier to take in small bites-- soon you find you've devoured the whole cake and lost the chance for what you've always wanted... if you're not careful.  If time changes your mind-- is it voluntary or is it forgetfulness?

And so I'm treading lightly into each day.  
Really tip-toeing through the mornings and quietly waiting during afternoons and letting the smoke hang thick long into evenings.
I'm listening very intently to songs, and I'm watching films and books and people for signals.
And I'm not going to say yes to anything that doesn't make me feel like I'm on a train, riding the coast of Scotland.

Do you understand?
I'm not asking you.  I'm telling you.  And my future self.

6/16/9:: Spew

There is so much to be said, but I find myself pausing for long amounts of time over the keyboard.  I've avoided my blog and my livejournal for as long as possible.  How can I even begin to explain what I'm feeling?  I try to find closure, and I tear those feelings down because I have a right to be crushed and sad and ecstatic and nostalgic and full and free.  

The slow approach of my leaving Edinburgh crawls at me with the flipping of the calendar.  I hear my mom's voice telling me she misses me, and my stomach turns because I miss Scotland more already than I've missed anything I've ever been without.  

When I said goodbye to Shannon on Saturday, I couldn't bring myself to cry-- as much as I felt like I should.  In that moment, somehow I couldn't understand what kind of farewell it actually was.  My body programmed itself to believe that "I'll see you tomorrow" was a valid statement.  In reality, it will be a year before there is even the faint possibility of me seeing her in New York.  And after that, what becomes of that friendship?  The occasional facebook message or skype call.  A bunch of fading memories.

There have been literally... LITERALLY ENDLESS times where I've paused and truly realized how lucky I am.  Look at what I have been given. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my youth would be such a party.  NEVER in my most ridiculous imagination did I expect my adventures here to constitute such friendships and beautiful, amazing people.  I never dreamed I would ever go farther than Michigan.

I remember at age 16... looking at people's photos on the messageboard and wondering if my teen years would ever look so fun.  Wondering why I never had those kind of intensely sentimental experiences for myself.  Now I realize I've had more than one heart can hold.  

In Detroit, we have a design department-- and I have Josh.  Here in Edinburgh, I have a FAMILY.  And I'm not saying this in anyway to put down my friendship with Josh because he truly is one of the absolute loves of my life and the idea of seeing him again is one of the only things that makes leaving here okay.  But-- in all of my youth, I've always only had one best friend.  I've never been able to be one of those people who can put together a gathering of 30 people and feel surrounded by the love of friends.  I've only been here six months, and I finally have it.  It feels good to be a part of something like that.  It's the most amazing and painful thing, and I think the people here take it for granted because it is something they've always had.  I don't think they realize how lucky they are.  

I know that these words sound fake.  These words sound like the sort of thing you would expect anyone to say.
That's why it's fruitless.

There isn't any combination of words and sentences that could describe the feelings I am feeling.  It's mushy and sentimental-- but it's the truth and it has to be said.  

I try to stay positive and look forward to the future-- because who knows what it will bring.  I never knew it would bring me to this.  There's bound to be more good in the future.  

I hurt in ways I didn't know a heart could hurt.  Because it's not for a person-- it's for an entire stage of my growing up.  It's for 20 friendships.  It's for a city.  It's for a lifestyle.  

How do you find closure for a fleeting moment?

I'll never forget this feeling.

I'll update my blog properly soon.  But right now, I needed this.  I needed to say it.

5/5/9 :: Outgoing Messages

If it's not going to be given, I'm just gonna have to go get it myself.   

If you're not willing to join me, then I'll have to go alone.

Here's to a better future.

5/4/9 :: Music Samplings

Here is the playlist that I have had on repeat every morning as I get ready for over four months.  (Some tracks are newer than others.)

1. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Over and Over Again (Lost and Found)

2. Neutral Milk Hotel - The King Of Carrot Flowers (Part One)

3. Xiu Xiu- I Luv The Valley OH

4. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah- Details Of The War

5. Wolf Parade- I'll Believe In Anything

6. Animal Collective- For Reverend Green

7. The Beatles- Ticket To Ride

8. Shocking Pinks- This Arching Deal

9. The Dodos- Eyelids

10. Nico- These Days

11. Fleet Floxes- White Winter Hymnal

12. Panda Bear- Comfy in Nautica

13. DeVotchka- The Clockwise Witness

14. The Pipettes- Dirty Mind

15. The Teenagers- Homecoming

16. The Jesus and Mary Chain- Hardest Walk

17. The Smiths- Shoplifters Of The World Unite

18. Against Me!- Those Anarcho Punks Are Mysterious

19. Panda Bear- Take Pills

I heard an amazing song at Luke's the other night that I really wanted to add, but I couldn't grab his attention to get the title or artist.  

I really love it here, but I really hate not having a car to drive to Walmart at any time of the night to get supplies when I have an urge to make something.  Right now, I really want to make some hemp jewelry.   No luck.  Not only is no place open, but I haven't been able to find hemp anywhere in Edinburgh the entire time I've been here.

I've had mixed feelings about it for the past week, but I'm over it now.  I am ready for my tattoo.  My appointment is Saturday at 12:30.  Wish me luck.

I feel really bad about not taking a picture today on my lunch with Joe, so to make up for it I have posted a really, super super embarrassing video that was taken one EXTREMELY drunken night in London.  I am so good at humiliating myself that it hurts.  Good times, girls.  Not only do I obviously have no sense of key when drunkenly singing, but apparently I also will never learn the words to this song.  The "WANKER!" at the end-- it gets me every time.

3/25/9 :: TBD

Not that I've been particularly good about updating anyway, but I am writing to say that I am going away to London and Barcelona until April 6th.  I won't be taking my laptop, but I will make notes, so I can update when I get back.

I get really nervous before I travel.  I don't know why.

I just watched The Science of Sleep again, and so I feel really strange.

Keep your eyes on the mail box because there are sure to be surprises heading everyone's way.

3/7/9 :: Glasgow

Glasgow was good.  I wasn't completely impressed with the city itself, but it may have just been the rain.  We went to Wagamama's for lunch and then did a bit of shopping.  I got a dress for the party and a new scarf from Zara's, but I didn't think the shops were that different from what I get in America.  We got ready at Luke's and had an amazing home-cooked meal courtesy of his momma.  Had drinks and listened to Nick Cave.  So lovely.

Jamie's party was at Ibrox, which was actually kind of incredible.  We had access to a balcony overlooking the field.  Some random rugby player taught me how to take two shots at once?  It was kind of intense.  I spent most of the night with Tom Carlile, and it was actually quite nice to get to know him a bit better.  Fell asleep sandwiched between him and Allan in Luke's bed.  Worst night sleep ever, but it's all gravy.

The train ride home the next day seemed to last for ages.  I slept for two day's straight when I finally got home.

3/1/9 :: Travel Plans

the bruges canal

I chatted with Luke today about our travel plans for May.  Looks like he is going to spend two nights in Edinburgh, and then we are going to visit Amsterdam, Bruges, and Paris.  CHA-CHING!  Couldn't be more stoked, but I hope Derek will allow me to skip out on a week in the studio to do it.  >.<

The best part of the conversation with Luke was when he said the most brilliantly true thing:  "I was just thinking about when I met you at the Apparition Cafe years ago-- who knew I'd be traveling Europe with this girl."  

We are the oddest friends.  And yet... it works.  

Can't stop listening to Patrick Wolf.  I'm getting really insanely impatient waiting for the new album to be released.  It's going to change my life, I can tell already.

Also, my tragus is infected.  No pain, but god does it look awful.  I brought some anti-biotics from home, so hopefully it will clear up.  If a mushroom grows out of my ear, I'm going to fry it up and eat it.

2/27/9 :: Las Ramblas

Spent the entire night booking hostels for my spring vacation to London and Barcelona.  I was supposed to go to Rome as well, but I've cancelled on those plans.  I'm gonna hold out and hope that I can meet up with Luke in Venice in May.

Win.

I also had a 2 hour conversation with my mom about money.  Couldn't possibly be more broke than I am right now.  But I just keep spendin, spendin, spendin...

2/24/9 :: Fragile

Last day in London was a fragile one.  We had to get up at 7am to check out of the hostel and get to the second half of the 4 Designers lectures.  When I got in my seat at the lectures, I was out cold.   The first speaker droned on for aaaages, and I slept on Dan's shoulder through it all.   After his speech was finished, we had a bit of an intermission before the last two designers came in.  Dan, Shonagh, and I made a break for it and decided we'd just rather be at Burger King than in that auditorium, sleeping.  

We had ourselves some hangover burgers and cigarettes, and then went for a walk to Oxford Street to get Shonagh's phone fixed up.  After that, we picked up our bags from the hostel and made our way back to King's Cross to catch the train home.  We played some card games, and I wrote postcards to everyone at home.

I took my cab to Grassmarket and picked up a pizza for dinner.  I could barely keep my eyes open to eat it.  Another zonk-out sleep.  

Overall, it was the best trip.  I know that I need to spend a significant portion of my young life in London-- it is the city for me.  I just hope that someday, somehow it works out.  Regardless, I can't wait to go back at the end of March!

2/21/9 :: The Gypsy King

Post is titled the gypsy king after a patrick wolf song that i have loved for a long time, and coincidentally just took the journey this song describes:

I recall when I was younger

There was a fire to travel the world

And shine with a passion

But as ambition shoots blank

Day by Day

On a train from Edinburgh

to the King's Cross Rain...

On Saturday I took the train from Waverely Station in Edinburgh to King's Cross in London.  It was my first train ride, and it was a brilliant one.  I taught Dan how to play Spit.  I was in stitches the whole way to London.  When we arrived, we settled into the hostel and did some walking about for food.  I couldn't believe how clean the city was.  Soon after, I found myself surprised at how expensive it was as well.

We took the underground to Camden (my first time on that as well), and I think it is BRILLIANT. The USA really needs to catch on in terms of public transportation.   In Camden, we went out dancing at a swanky club, and I made myself content by getting as sweaty as possible.  It was a genius night in London, and when it was time to go back to the hostel, I was not ready.

1/26/9 :: No Pain in Barcelona

I booked a train ticket to London for the end of February.  I also booked trips to Glasgow, London (again), and Barcelona for the end of March.  I'm thinking about joining a gym.  I haven't felt beautiful for a long, long time.  

Wonder if I'll ever find my yellow bird.

I only have one pink cigarette left.  I'm going to go smoke it to my favorite Rufus song and then go to sleep.  

1/23/9 :: Headache

Today was Friday-- and I started the morning off by going to my photography lesson completely hung over.  I took a shower, ate a quick meal, and set to work on my work for critique in the afternoon.  We're still working on that same corporate identity project.  Insane, right?  It allows for lots of playtime at least.

Anyway, by the time Derek got around to my desk, my head was pounding so violently that I barely had the energy to talk about my work.  He didn't say much beyond, "Keep working."  I rushed home to bed, took a nap, and when I woke up, my headache hadn't left me alone.  I decided to skip out on the partying tonight, and I went to Joe's for movies and homework.  He's always a good laugh, and so it was just a nice, relaxing night.  Talks about trips to Dublin, London, and Glasgow are all in the works.  It's making the decision on which to choose...