7/21/2011:: Heat Wave

This heat is a bubble that is keeping my thoughts trapped in. Hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to move. Nothing escapes me except sweat. Exhaling cigarettes is displeasurable. Talking seems exhausting. The only thing that feels good is taking things in: wine, water, criticism. I'm soaking everything up like a sponge, and I'm swelling up like a god damn balloon, I swear.

What most people don't get about me is that I'm constantly trying to communicate something. Even when alone, I'm sending out flags and messages to the outside-- usually cryptic, though painfully planned and executed with precision. This might sound pretty standard, but it's much, much worse for me than anyone realizes. I don't say a word without some sort of angle. Also, it's important to know that I am very bad at geometry.

I feel like the spaces of happiness and productivity are very tiny overlapping "places" in a person's psyche. It's very possible one day to stumble into this space for a brief moment... clean your room like a madwoman with Billie Holiday on volume 27... and stumble out just as quickly, hit like a brick by your usual malaise. It's only when you're really tuned in are you able to balance on one foot in that space for a long period of time. The tiniest push from an outside force, and you could fall right out back into the abyss.

I'm tiptoeing around people right now, pushing off of walls and ideas to find the zone where everything feels balanced. The problem is, I keep trying to pull other people into that space with me because I've been feeling so lonely. One person in particular, if I was going to attempt to be honest about it. I'm finding, however, it's a place that only has room for one.