listen to the girl as she takes on half the world

12/14/11:: no more spider, no more leaf.

2011-12-14T08:35:00.001-08:00

I've been aware of sadness, apathy, joy, the weather, my friends, my body. I've been aware of my job and tasks and sleep. I've played things out.

But to actually feel something. To cry. Sadness. Anger. To miss someone. To worry.

These things are strange islands to me. Vacation spots that I pass by on my boat, but never stop at.

I have postcards to these emotions from my past. I look at them and tell myself I've been there.

It's been so long though that they seem just like stories.

10/19/11:: Alone in Station

2011-10-19T13:04:00.000-07:00

I want, of course, many things. I don't need to list all of them because I am sure you can figure out for yourself most of them: good health, financial stability, etc etc.

What I want (not most of all, but on a high priority) right now is the company I keep to be on my level. And I don't mean that in a condescending way, though I know it really sounds like it. I just tend to surround myself with people that are in a totally different place in their lives. Not going to school, in school, starting their own business...

Fine.

But on some selfish surface level, I need someone like me. Who is doing what I'm doing. Who wants/likes/hates/affords/aspires toward/knows the things that I do.

Which shouldn't be so hard to find... because I'm pretty ordinary. And yet... I don't have that person in my life.

9/24/11:: Sometimes

2011-09-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

Every so often, I am forced to wake up... realize my room is trashed and clean it up. Realize I've been lazy... get productive. Realize I've been sloppy with my emotions... reign it in.

I've been making a lot happen. On paper, I must look pretty good.

But internally, there is much work to be done. Much to be re-packaged, re-organized, rearranged...

And not just for the sake of rearranging. But because it's important to know where you are [in the present moment], so you have an accurate view of where you are going [in the future]. The past is the past, and we can look at it from any angle, but the brutal honesty of NOW is the demon to be reckoned with.

Patience

Selflessness

Jealousy

Stress

Self-consciousness

Honesty

Projects.

8/22/11:: Your Unbearable Lightness

2011-08-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

When some people feel love in a memory, they write songs about it, full of intricate, affected metaphors. Great chefs write recipes, ones with the flavors that arouse the same emotions or sensations. Dancers and athletes move their bodies, flex their muscles, and feel energy in places that before perhaps felt lifeless.

My energy, however, just spins. Feeling swirls around. Collects in the atmosphere. Fills entire rooms and goes spilling out into hallways, tumbling down stairs, and avalanching into the neighbor's yard.

There are moments that as they are happening, you know belong only to you. You know that you're the only one noticing that the sun is peeking in the window just right, or that the room is the perfect temperature for touching. I replay these in my head while I'm on the bus or while I'm walking from the coffee shop to my desk.

What do you think about? I wish I knew. I hope that doesn't make me selfish. I hope it doesn't sound stupid.

7/24/11:: Sunday mornin' comin' down

2011-07-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

Despite last night proving to be an major, yet accidental failure on my part (fell hard asleep by 9pm even though I HAD plans...), it enabled me to wake up bright and rested this morning as early as sunrise. I had one of those blissful Sunday feelings, where you stretch in bed and look at your hair sticking up in the mirror--and think, "I have so much time to enjoy my coffee today. It won't be noon for hours."

And after a while, while I waited for it to become a reasonable hour to text a friend, I started digging through some old files. Old video blogs that I never posted, old messages to myself back from when I started my fitness journey in January. It was really inspiring. At the end of one I wrote, "Dear future self, I bet you look awesome now... and feel awesome too. I hope you're enjoying it because your past self feels like crap and really doesn't feel like working out today. I'm going to go do it for you, though." Made me laugh. And made me realize, yeah... I do feel pretty good. And even though the past few months have felt like tires spinning, I have really accomplished a lot for myself on the inside AND outside.

I've been breaking down a lot of walls I had built up for myself when I was younger and in college. Doing lots of things that I thought, "oh, that's just not me," or "i just don't function that way." Saving money, letting guards down and learning to allow myself to be vulnerable, exploring the joys of selflessness, taking on the responsibility of being another person's inspiration-- not to mention my own personal wellness goals of working out, eating right, and just generally being healthier.

I've just recently become an official Independent Beachbody Coach-- it means I coach people for free, helping them to reach their own wellness goals.

Profits are based off of commission on products of course, but it's truly inconsequential. It's about holding myself accountable and meeting more people like myself who care passionately about making change.

"A year from now, you will wish you had started today."

Making things happen.

7/21/2011:: Heat Wave

2011-07-21T13:59:00.000-07:00

This heat is a bubble that is keeping my thoughts trapped in. Hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to move. Nothing escapes me except sweat. Exhaling cigarettes is displeasurable. Talking seems exhausting. The only thing that feels good is taking things in: wine, water, criticism. I'm soaking everything up like a sponge, and I'm swelling up like a god damn balloon, I swear.

What most people don't get about me is that I'm constantly trying to communicate something. Even when alone, I'm sending out flags and messages to the outside-- usually cryptic, though painfully planned and executed with precision. This might sound pretty standard, but it's much, much worse for me than anyone realizes. I don't say a word without some sort of angle. Also, it's important to know that I am very bad at geometry.

I feel like the spaces of happiness and productivity are very tiny overlapping "places" in a person's psyche. It's very possible one day to stumble into this space for a brief moment... clean your room like a madwoman with Billie Holiday on volume 27... and stumble out just as quickly, hit like a brick by your usual malaise. It's only when you're really tuned in are you able to balance on one foot in that space for a long period of time. The tiniest push from an outside force, and you could fall right out back into the abyss.

I'm tiptoeing around people right now, pushing off of walls and ideas to find the zone where everything feels balanced. The problem is, I keep trying to pull other people into that space with me because I've been feeling so lonely. One person in particular, if I was going to attempt to be honest about it. I'm finding, however, it's a place that only has room for one.

7/16/11:: I'm trying to outsmart my own heart.

2011-07-16T17:45:00.000-07:00

7/12/11:: A meditation on prosophobia and dependency

2011-07-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had to fight two opposing forces and push through to the center? (The dark center where you can't see the ground or taste the air or feel composed?) Both of my arms are stretched out in front and I'm reaching forward for something on which to stabilize, but everything is shifting and getting lost before I can grab on.

I meditate on my thoughts during the afternoons. I whisper mantras to myself in the morning when I sit alone in the park before work. You can endure this. It can all be endured.

Things were not so complicated just a short while ago. I had orientation to my surroundings– to the space between myself and other people. I've been a loner for a long time, and the only thing that puzzled me then was my general numbness and lack of emotion. Now I find feelings tucked away in every crevice. They creep up on me at the most unexpected moments, and I find myself overly sensitive to the opinions and actions of others. Say the word and I'll buy you dinner. I'll drop my plans. I'll rearrange my outlook. I'll make room for you and your needs because I don't seem to have any. Before you know it, my needs are one-in-the-same, indistinguishable from yours. I need to be needed. I need to have a clear space in their territory. I need things that are irrational, illogical, immeasurable, and most importantly… incapable of being stuffed into a tiny box on my calendar.

What a radical left turn.

I have melted and reformed as an entirely different animal. Lack of emotion replaced with hypersensitivity and dependency on the very same people that isolated me with their poor understanding of my condition.

Uncompromising waves and undercurrents and moodswings and fear.

Anxiety builds and goals get reprioritized and/or tossed to the wayside when you say the word.

Come closer. But get the fuck away from me.

And one-by-one I drowned all of the people I had been.

2011-06-12T18:07:00.000-07:00

Things are shifting all around me. People are making drastic moves, trying to catch my attention, but I find myself even less interested and distant than before. Move away. Start a fight. Make a vow. I can't even see you anymore. Talk about tunnel vision...

Sometimes I wonder if it's even possible for me to give any meaningful part of myself to another person anymore: lover or friend. Maybe the compliments and laughs and fucks and drinks are all that's left on the table. Even when I force myself open, I find very little is released, and usually it is only the surface wounds that I bother to lick clean. I always say that the right people will find the real me; they'll "change my mind" or crack me without my even being aware of it. I have started to ponder the possibility that everyone finds themselves approaching a closed door. Is that my problem? Or do I just continue to insist that they are just too stupid to try the knob? I'm not sure.

Little by little, I shut down entire layers of feeling, former habits, and relationships. It seems like every other day a former version of myself dies. Pretty soon I will only be in the present, and I'll be the girl made of mirrors and glass. Reflecting everything, including the sun. Look at me and you'll only see yourself, exactly what everyone really wants to see anyway.

This all sounds very bad I'm sure, but it's not.

It is what it is.

4/25/11:: Insanity

2011-04-25T17:34:00.000-07:00

Where is the center? Find it if you can. Lock eyes with it. Own it.

The body: it is my most prized possession and my greatest conquest.

Sculpt the temple which houses your brain and heart, and their strength expounds exponentially upon itself.

Euphoria! -- I am a baby again.

Babies enter this world without fear despite being on their own.

3/21/11:: Velvet Curtains

2011-03-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

In case any of you were worried, I am not dead... nor is this blog. We are merely preparing for a grand reveal, which is still a month away.

It involves a new body, new attitude, and maybe even a new l o c a t i o n.

A lot less white noise these days-- more ukuleles.

3/2/11:: Just to see what is

2011-03-02T19:45:00.000-08:00

This video/song pretty much embodies my entire [mental] life right now:

2/2/11:: I will survive this winter

2011-02-02T19:05:00.000-08:00

via:

Cocorosie - Animals

Bon Iver - Flume

Rufus Wainwright - Sad With What I Have

Patrick Wolf - This Weather

The Radio Dept. - Pulling Our Weight

Red House Painters - Revelation Big Sur

Bright Eyes - Messenger Bird Song

Bon Iver - Blood Bank

The Smiths - I Know It's Over

Bright Eyes - A Song To Pass The Time

I don't usually reveal such private matters.

1/2/11:: Oh... by the way...

2011-01-02T17:19:00.000-08:00

Things I've been and will be doing:

Re-reading Walden by Thoreau (in its entirety this time)
**Completing P90x (in other words, getting in serious shape)
*Rounding off the 6 month marker (January 2011) on being Smoke Free
Getting to #300 with my 1001 Films To See Before I Die project
*Reaching 12k in my savings account

**Progress update on April 21, 2011

*Progress update on February 2, 2011

12/12/10 :: See you when I resurface

2010-12-12T18:44:00.000-08:00

You don't have to keep track of anyone else to keep track of yourself. There are no deadlines for introspection, and you only have yourself to hold accountable when you fall behind. You can't get jealous at someone else for doing it better, and you can't be embarrassed about anything (because no one will ever know).

Do I think having the $70 shower curtain will make me a freer spirit? Not really. But I guess it's always been in my imaginary bathroom– the one that I imagine myself having when I'm happier. The details of my future life are more real to me than the reality of the one I'm living now. Sometimes that terrifies me, and other times I rationalize that as ambition. I'm not clear on which is wise and which is delusion. (Your opinion is as useless as mine by the way.)

I spend so much time alone that I am working so much out in my head. Without making contact with people, I've sorted out and/or dissolved friendships, cleared messes, and put to rest issues. Imagine spring garage cleaning without ever stepping foot into the garage.

I'm learning to depend on myself, and while I've strived for this for so long– it's starting to scare me a little too. Where is the balance? Why is there never a balance of socialization versus isolation? Why am I always plummeting headfirst into dark oceans when it comes to decisions and states-of-mind?

I will resurface. But I'm not sure when.

11/30/10:: Concentration

2010-11-30T18:06:00.000-08:00

Guess what? When it comes right down to it, wherever you go, there you are. Whatever you wind up doing, that's what you've wound up doing. Whatever you are thinking right now, that's what's on your mind. Whatever has happened to you, it has already happened. The important question is, how are you going to handle it? In other words, "Now what?"

Like it or not, this moment is all we really have to work with. Yet we all too easily conduct our lives as if forgetting momentarily that we are here, where we already are, and that are in what we are already in. In every moment, we find ourselves at the crossroad of here and now. But when the cloud of forgetfulness over where we are now sets in, in that very moment we get lost. "Now what?" becomes a real problem.

By lost, I mean that we momentarily lose touch with ourselves and with the full extent of our possibilities. Instead, we fall into a robotlike way of seeing and thinking and doing. In those moments, we break contact with what is deepest in ourselves and affords us perhaps our greatest opportunities for creativity, learning, and growing. If we are not careful, those clouded moments can stretch out and become most of our lives.

-jon kabat-zinn

11/9/10:: 3rd Nature - Detroit Creative Awareness

2010-11-09T16:58:00.001-08:00

SO, seeing as I posted earlier about the DetroitLives project, I must come tell you about something else that is super awesome in Detroit right now. A very good friend of mine from my time at College for Creative Studies, Haley Querro, is working on a project/movement in Detroit called 3rd Nature: Detroit Creative Awareness.

Basically, this is a new organization/collective/movement that is shedding light on the creatives of Detroit-- attempting to bring people together to share with one another and hopefully result in a larger impact on the Detroit community.

There are all sorts of exciting things going on like a proposal to Detroit Soup, an upcoming event featuring the band Deadbeat Beat, and an opportunity to be a part of a Detroit-positive-themed art show.

Information on all of those things are available in the links above or at 3rd Nature's homepage:

http://3rdnaturedetroit.com/

Or you can follow them on Twitter for the latest news:

http://twitter.com/3rdnaturedet

Yes please!

Be a part of the positivity!

Submit artwork, communicate, party, and celebrate Detroit!

11/2/10:: Started recently:

2010-11-02T11:17:00.001-07:00

10/30/10:: Rumination

2010-10-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

Rumination is comprised of two separate variables -- reflection and brooding. The reflection part of rumination can actually be somewhat helpful -- reflecting on a problem can lead you to a solution. Also, reflecting on certain events can help you process strong emotions associated with the issue. However, rumination in general, and brooding in particular, are associated with less proactive behavior and more of a negative mood. Co-rumination, where you rehash a situation with friends until you’ve talked it to death, also brings more stress to both parties. In short, if you find yourself constantly replaying something in your mind and dwelling on the injustice of it all, thinking about what you should have said or done, without taking any corresponding action, you’re likely making yourself feel more stressed. And you are also likely experiencing some of the negative effects of rumination.

From About.com: Stress Management - By Elizabeth Scott, M.S.

Ruminating is a style of thinking in which, like a hamster in a cage, you run in tight circles on a treadmill in your brain. It means obsessing about problems, about a loss, about any kind of a setback or ambiguity without moving past thought into the realm of action.The trouble with rumination is at least twofold. As you ruminate, you deepen the grooves in the brain, intensifying levels of anxiety and depression. And your problems remain unsolved, and are perhaps even exacerbated by the failure to move on them. Women are predisposed to rumination, largely because they value relationships and thus devote a great deal of time and mental energy to processing the often-ambiguous content of them.

From Psychology Today - By Ellen McGrath, published on April 11, 2003

Symptoms and Effects include:

*Stress

*Extreme or Crippling Negativity/Pessimism

*Binge-eating

*Self-sabotaging

*Hypertension

*Heart palpitations/Anxiety attacks

Stay tuned for mindfulness/meditative solutions.

10/20/10:: Can't Stop Watching...

2010-10-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

10/13/10:: It Gets Better

2010-10-13T13:10:00.001-07:00

I know I have blogged here before about the importance of anti-bullying messages-- a topic that has always been super important and personal to me. I don't know how involved any of my blog-readers are in keeping up with e-trends, but there has been a big one going on lately under the official title of "It gets better." In fact, it might even be unfair to simply call it an "e-trend" because I'm pretty sure it's more than that-- it's an initiative to save the lives of adolescents who are considering suicide as an option to escape the hardships of bullying.

The specific movement I'm referring to was started by Dan Savage, American author and journalist known for his loud-and-proud anti-conservative love advice via Savage Love. He and his partner Terry began by creating a YouTube channel directed at sending the message to young LGBT teens that after highschool, life can and will get better. Since this, many celebrities have jumped on the bandwagon in support including Jewel, Perez Hilton, Chris Colfer (Glee), Kathy Griffin, Daniel Radcliffe, etc. This group has also been linked to The Trevor Project, which is an outreach 24/7 hotline for crisis LGBT or questioning teens.

While I think all of this sudden awareness is huge, exciting, and a breath of fresh air, I think we could all be doing more to spread the message. Although these specific initiatives are directed at members of the LGBT community, I think the message should be delivered to ALL youth in peril due to bullying.

What can we do in our local communities to help?

MTV has started a similar initiative called Love is Louder, and you can read more about how to become involved here.

Find out how to become directly involved with The Trevor Project, or how to bring it to your local schools here.

Watch the ItGetsBetter YouTube channel, or link it to your own blog to spread the word by clicking here.

10/12/10:: Happy Birthday Señor Kitteh!

2010-10-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

Today my cat, Ollie, turns 3!

Huzzah!

10/8/10:: Everything that is interesting is new

2010-10-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

Alert and healthy natures remember that the sun rose clear.

It is never too late to give up our prejudices.

I try to eradicate hate-- I don't want to hate anyone.

I try yoga, crochet, jewelry-making, wine-making, running, and baking-- What is my thing?

I strive for simplicity, but if I am trying so hard am I not just complicating things?

I have so many letters to write.

9/11/10:: Detroit Lives

2010-09-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a bit late jumping on this bandwagon, but you have to forgive me. I've been a bit out-of-touch with Detroit lately, as I've moved back home to Pittsburgh to live with my family while I search for jobs. I think, however, that the Detroit Lives project has been saying something that a lot of young Detroiters have been trying to say for a long time now.

Most people ask me what it was like to live there, and they ask me with a tone that suggests "I'm surprised you survived." In some ways, it's just easier for me to tell that story. To say, "Yes, it's a wreck." "Yes, there is so much crime." "Yes, it feels dangerous to be alone after dark." That's what everyone wants to hear anyway.

"Is it true that they killed motown?"

What does that even mean? Motown was born in Detroit, and Detroit is still there. And who are "they"?

Although I don't always have the energy, I do try most of the time to express the other side of things. Because there IS another side! Detroit is perhaps the largest blank canvas... maybe the ONLY true metropolitan blank canvas in the country. A place where young people have a hand in HUGE changes, even with very little effort. You can take your art to Manhattan and feel lost, feel helpless, and struggle to have anyone notice you... or you can be in Detroit and with the flick of the wrist, change an entire city. You can be a part of re-growth, re-birth, and a strong youthful artistic community. It's an extremely powerful position, and there are tons of young people in Detroit doing it-- you just need to open your eyes to see them. Particularly having gone to College for Creative Studies, an amazing private art institution-- perhaps one of the best in the entire country-- I saw a lot of good energy and good actions.

It's a constant thing to hear people talk about their frustration with not being able to make a difference. "The real revolutions are all over." In Detroit, that's not true.

It's the heart that I can't describe to people-- the thing about Detroit that I struggle with articulating. And the misunderstanding starts close to home-- it's not just on tv and in magazines, but it's in the suburbs of Detroit itself! The very people who have front row seats to some of this amazing stuff are those that are the most fearful and lazy as well. Both the media and the suburbanites tend to miss the point. The bad stuff is there, yes, but there is bad stuff all over this country! What the rest of the country DOESN'T have, however, is some of the great creative community that is unique to the dirty D.

The video series entitled Detroit Lives by VICE media does a great job of pointing out some of that, particularly in the 3rd video-- it talks a lot about the artistic community's strength and contributions.

I highly suggest taking 30 minutes to watch the video series and perhaps form a new position on the city. Educating yourself with truth is better than being a part of the ignorant mass, yes?

Also, Detroit Lives is actually a much larger movement that is taking place in Detroit. It has a website that includes some promotional artwork/merchandise designed by some of my awesome friends from College for Creative Studies. Check out the site here: DetroitLives.org

8/8/10:: Doing Nothing

2010-09-08T09:50:00.001-07:00

My current meditation:

Don’t let your imagination be crushed by life as a whole.

Don’t try to picture everything bad that could possibly happen.

Stick with the situation at hand, and ask,

“Why is this so unbearable? Why can’t I endure it?”

You’ll be embarrassed to answer–it all can be endured.

Then remind yourself that past and future have no power over you.

Only the present – and even that can be minimized.

Just mark off its limits.

And if your mind tries to claim that it can’t hold out against that ...

well, then, heap shame upon it.

-Marcus Aurelius

9/6/10:: Suburban Trash Re-run

2010-09-06T00:41:00.000-07:00

If I were Johnny Cash, I would roll up the bottom of my jeans, slide on my boots, step outside onto my front porch, and light up a cigarette. I'd recline back in my chair and I would inhale and exhale and watch kids play in the street. I'd call all of my problems "the blues." I'd teach the weeping willows how to cry-- I'd teach the clouds how to cover up a clear blue sky.

I'm not Mr. Cash, of course, so-- I'll do what I can. I'll pace circles in my carpet. I'll lie on my back and watch my ceiling fan, reruns, ceiling fan, reruns. I'll check my email six times a day, maybe more. And I'll make false statements to myself about my general outlook.

I'll make lists. I'll refuse to make any more lists. I'll think about taking down old lists, and instead I'll make a declaration of "I'll do that tomorrow." Sometimes they fall down themselves, which is cool because then I don't have to think about them anymore.

It's not surprising that another summer has somehow passed. It's not surprising that we are on the brink of another winter that is bound to test the limits of my sanity.

If I was Johnny Cash, boredom would be taken with a stride.

I wouldn't have to try so hard to remind myself that doing nothing is still doing something.

I've got a lot of stuff. Between material things-- (things that I'm always tripping over because, frankly, I don't even have enough space for all the shit I own), and emotional things-- (things that I also manage to trip over from time to time), I am completely on overload. SO... I'm having a garage sale.

John Lennon illustrated portrait (matted)- $2
X-small Patrick Wolf teeshirt- $3
Veggietale's Larry the talking Cucumber toy- $1
The bags under my eyes- $1
The overflowing laundry basket- $2
Moodswings- $1.50 (each)

If I could stop myself from being repetitious, I would I would I would I would.

8/20/10:: On my own again soon.

2010-08-20T20:49:00.001-07:00

When I finally get back to having my own apartment again (whether it be in Pittsburgh or NYC), the first thing I am going to do is go get my cat from Detroit.

The second thing I'm going to do is buy a bottle of wine.

The third thing I am going to do is hook up my stereo system while I drink said-wine.

And the fourth thing I am going to do is... MAKE SOMETHING!

Make art, make noise, make a mess, make love.

I cannot wait.

8/16/10:: You're Telling Me a Fairy Tale

2010-08-16T16:30:00.001-07:00

Here is the math.

If I wake at 6am to have enough time to shower and drive to work before 8am, and if after a long stint of traffic I arrive home from work at 6pm, I have spent 12 hours of my 24-hour day consumed with work. Of this remaining 12 hours, according to tradition, I will sleep 8 hours away. On a given work day then... I have only 4 hours to live my life.

You can only imagine then how pressing it is to use these few precious hours in a way that is both relaxing and fulfilling--and these two things rarely come packaged together in the same activity. I read a lot now. I watch a lot of films. I relish little trips to town to buy myself small pleasures like gummy bears or a new novel. And you can bet I'm wearing dirty clothes because I almost never have the heart to waste these hours doing laundry.

Well anyway, a lot of this time is fittingly spent wondering what I should be doing rather than doing it, whatever it is. And as a true American through-and-through (despite however much I wish to deny it) I want myself to do things that are both self-bettering (productive) and pleasurable. An American might easily interchange the word "pleasurable" in that sentence with the word selfish-- I don't think an American ever really does anything pleasurable without feeling guilty about it. Pleasure usually means naughty, naughty means guilty, guilty usually means selfish, and if we are selfish, we probably aren't bettering ourselves, are we? As much as I've tried to beat this mindset out of myself, I can't. It's who I am because I am a product of my country. I was raised this way.

At any rate, when I try to think about this imaginary, magical, elusive activity that will make my day seem like it was well-spent, my mind always drifts back to Scotland as I tend to view that as the manifestation of both the most educational and pleasurable experiences of my life. I also tend to think of reflection on the past as an important activity for self-improvement. Conveniently, daydreaming about Scotland is also one of my most reliable private pleasures.

It's funny though that when I consult my records (my writing on Scotland--in this blog specifically, though not exclusively), I mostly wrote very surface and action-based reports. "Today I went here, and I drank this much, and I met this person, and it was good. End."

But of course, this is rarely where my mind goes when I think back to Scotland. I find the most pleasure in thinking of the little things... stretching my mind, if you will... by challenging myself to remember the tiny details of what I like to consider my secret second life there.

I'd like to perform this activity now, but this time through writing. I will write a different but very true story about Edinburgh.

------

It's a Tuesday morning in March, and it's around 10:30am. Sunlight and street voices are simultaneously pouring in through my only window which is next to my bed where a night stand should be. It's enough to wake me because I don't use an alarm clock anymore, and I've had my window open since I arrived in January. I squirm in bed, wriggling out of my red satin sheets like a snake losing its skin. I can hear bagpipes playing, and they are coming to me all the way from Princes Street. I try to imagine all of the people pushing past one another in front of the shops there, and it makes me hesitant to get up.

When I finally sit up in the small patch of sunlight hitting my bed, before my feet even hit the green shaggy 70s carpet, I light a cigarette in my underwear. My hair is sticking up, and I stare out at Edinburgh castle through my window-nightstand-portal. I smoke, and I think about what my classmates are probably doing at the studio. Should I bother going in today? Is there a point? I text the girls to meet me for a coffee down the street instead. I stand up and water my petunia before I turn my laptop on for music. This time of year I was probably listening to The Smiths on repeat.

My clothes are all scattered on the floor, and it doesn't take me long to match up an outfit... almost everything I own now is black. I pull my tights on while I'm still puffing my cigarette. I feel like a French girl in an old burlesque show dressing room. I'd never considered myself a grown woman until my time in Edinburgh, and now there is no confusion. Men here think I am an exotic creature for some reason, and I have a new liberated and dominating attitude toward sexuality because of it. In ten more minutes, I am out the door. The air seems misty like it always does in Scotland, and the pavement is covered in pink and white blossom petals. I breathe deeper here because I am irrationally convinced the air is healthier. Girls in scarves are scurrying around the college, and a boy in skinny jeans is riding bumpily over the cobblestones on a bike. The double-decker bus blows by on the corner, and a stray cat walks beside me up the sidewalk.

Lindsey is already on the corner, and she is harboring a devilish grin. We start laughing before I even make it to her. We have lots to gab about on the way to the coffee shop, and I experience the joy of uninhibited, giggly girl talk the entire way down Lauriston Place.

I start almost every day this way in Scotland for six months straight. It's so simple that you think this could happen anywhere, but it doesn't. It's the Edinburgh Daily Special on Keir Street.

7/28/10:: Welcome Back, Cotter.

2010-07-28T15:25:00.000-07:00

Healing has been an every day project. It's so strange how so many days will go by without any progress... and then Poof! One day I'll accomplish 3 or 4 new things I couldn't do the day before. I most look forward to the day when I can sleep on my side or tummy again. Today I was able to go down the stairs without a cane.

This blog has served more like a diary than anything else over the past year and more. My other movie blog is much more structured and project-based, and although I don't think this blog needs structure, perhaps it could benefit from more productivity.

I've been writing mostly in my private journal lately, as my emotions and physical recovery have been the focus for the past few weeks. In an effort to get back to my normal self, I am going to try to open things back up here.

Look forward to some new recipes, design, thoughts, and such soon.
Thanks for the well wishes and the patience as well.

7/17/10:: Pause

2010-07-17T18:45:00.000-07:00

I am thinking a lot these days.
For better or for worse, yet to be known.

It's been a week without cigarettes, and I haven't missed them at all.

Tomorrow is Sunday- the day of rest. Thank goodness.

7/11/10: visual

2010-07-11T19:50:00.001-07:00

7/11/10:: Aftermath.

2010-07-11T16:13:00.000-07:00

Things have been really intense lately.

Car accident.
Broken pelvis. Broken tailbone.
Hospital.
Morphine. Pain pills. IV.
Constipation.
Walkers. Canes. Wheelchairs.
Sleep.
Pain pills.
Rehab. Physical therapists.
Crying.
Sleep.
Pain pills.

Then California..
Pain.
Travel.
Tired.
JOE!
Emotional turmoil...
Yet grateful..

Now I'm home, and the excitement is over.

I quit smoking today. I set the goal long ago-- "I'll quit smoking the day after my 23rd birthday."
I actually never really was sure if I was going to do it or not.
But surprisingly, I acted like a robot this morning. I smoked my last cigarette on the front porch, and as soon as I was done, I made my mom drive me to the pharmacy to get Nicorette.

The withdrawal headache is the worst part so far, and the gum doesn't really seem to do anything about that.
I'm having my first piece just now though-- made it through the whole day without it.

We'll see.

Hoping to turn a lot of things around about my life right now. It's hard to stay positive, but I'm doing my best.
That's all I can say for right now.

Sigh.

6/10/10:: The Milk Trip Mission Accomplished

2010-06-10T02:53:00.000-07:00

I find my biggest challenge at this point is patience. Impatience causes many problems not only for myself but for my relationships. Impatience with finding a job leads to apathy/stress. Impatience with friends leads to self-inflicted isolation. Impatience with my future leads to feelings of hopelessness. Impatience with my emotional development leads to self-destructive behavior. I'm constantly aware, and that allows me to pause, breathe, and react intelligently. I'm getting better, but I'm not perfect.

On the whole, I am doing very well. I have a few pieces out on the board, and it's my turn to roll.

I'm going to bed now at 6am after a long night of red wine on the couch in Schvee's garage. We had some good talks about the future... and the past actually. Little discussion of the present, which I guess doesn't need much explaining. We are living it together.

Tomorrow will go smoothly if I will it. Looking forward to that.

This sleep is going to be so. so so so so. good.

6/6/10:: Meowmania

2010-06-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

Found this when creepin' on Pielichaty's tumblr. Completely made my day.

http://meowmania.jqln.org/

6/1/10:: Surfin USA

2010-06-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

If everybody had an ocean
Across the U.S.A.
Then everybody'd be surfin'
Like californ-I-A
You'd see 'em wearin' their baggies
Huarachi sandals, too
A bushy bushy blonde hairdo
Surfin' U.S.A.

ONLY 31 DAYS AWAY. <3

5/27/10:: The New Summer

2010-05-27T16:08:00.001-07:00

I feel a bit odd writing here, as I've been uber-neglectful of my blogging-life for a while now. I graduated college, believe it or not. I now have a BFA in graphic design from College for Creative Studies of Detroit, Michigan. Whew. It's weird how four years of my life gets summed up in one sentence. Nice and tidy-- I kind of like it.

I've moved back home to Pittsburgh, and I am living with my parents while I sort out a job/apartment. I'd been dreading this move for such a long time, but now that I've done it, it actually has been really good to me. The stress is miles away, and I've been enjoying summer days of bike riding, book reading, car washing, badminton, mocha frapps, trips to the city, and all other sorts of mini-joys. The best part of it is the weather making it so easy to fill up my days. Every morning I awake and think I hear rain-- I pull back the shade, and WALA! Gorgeous summer day. It's like my brain just refuses to believe that this kind of weather happens to people like me.

The job-front is a war I'm currently fighting. I've had one awesome interview, and it has resulted in a test project. I've been tinkering around with it for a few days now, and I am getting anxious to know where it will lead.

Oh, I also cut 8 inches of my hair off and dyed it blonde. So that's awesome too.

My family is starting to buzz with the news of our beach trip to California. We went last year, and now it is a yearly event. What makes it 5 billion times more exciting is the fact that my amazing friend from Edinburgh is coming with me. The day is approaching super fast, but it still can't get here soon enough. So much has happened since we first hatched this plan-- and now that the major college obstacles are behind me, it is making the wait even MORE excruciating.

It's my favorite part of the summer day right now-- 7pm. Sun is just setting, the breeze kicks in, and it's ALLLL good.

Back to work though. Ay dios.

4/19/10 :: Giving Back

2010-04-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

I've always lived a pretty hedonistic lifestyle. For the most part, if I've wanted to do something-- I've done it. I've never taken an interest in politics, church, community, etc-- mostly because I've always believed in living a life that is fully satisfying to myself and only myself. Now that graduation is coming round the bend in just a few weeks, of course I've been thinking about what I'm going to do with all the free time I have once school isn't consuming every single second of my day. I've started thinking about what interests me, what would make my time more fulfilling...

Some of the more obvious goals I am looking forward to achieving are quitting smoking and losing the college weight. One of the not-so-obvious goals is to get involved in some sort of organization. I've contemplated becoming an active member of the AIGA upon graduation, and while this is still interesting to me-- it's not exactly the most burning cause is it?

The past few weeks, a few events have been setting some wheels in motion in my head. For one, reading about the Phoebe Prince case really struck a nerve with me. Secondly, this semester especially, I've witnessed quite a few classless acts from some of my classmates in terms of respecting other people's design work.

In high school, I dealt with an enormous amount of bullying. While I know it was never fair and certainly never justified-- when multiple groups of people aim themselves at making fun of you, you have to wonder if you're doing something that might be attracting so much negative attention. I've always been outspoken and proud about who I am and what I'm doing-- and a part of me always wondered if I may have brought some of that attention upon myself. Now that those days are far behind me, I know that it doesn't matter WHAT I did in high school-- I never deserved the treatment I received from those malicious people. Much of my time in high school, I was very, very depressed and self-conscious, and a lot of my problems were directly related to the bullying that I encountered daily.

It's a sensitive subject with me. A hugely sensitive subject. It's a practice that happens in every single high school, and most of the time, the kids are too stupid to realize that their actions are really, truly hurtful to people. And even worse-- some DO realize it, and that is the pay-off.

I'd like to think that after a few years out of high school these people realized how wrong their behavior was, but in all likelihood... that's not the case. And while a million teachers and discipliners can stick their heads into the problem, I know from experience and past perspective that it really doesn't get through. The last person that is going to make a high schooler think twice about their actions is a school principal, and often, I'm sure they only make matters worse. Maybe there is someway I can use my age/experience to help others.

So anyway, this is something I think I'd like to become involved in-- some sort of anti-bullying program. Whether it's outreach to students who are dealing with it-- or talking to people who may be inflicting that kind of pain on other students. I'm lightly researching some organizations, but as of yet, I haven't found one that is asking for more than money and awareness. Two things that I don't really think do much for anyone.

I'm going to keep looking around, but I just wanted to toss it out there. Get it down on 'paper' so to speak, so I feel my thoughts become more stable.

Looking forward to a life outside of the school environment. Looking forward to doing some things that are going to be good for me-- in a less self-centered way.

4/16/10:: Tummy aches, David Bowie, and Progress

2010-04-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

These are the two projects I'm currently working on for my typography IV class.

The first is a laser-cutting project where we had to choose an environment, create a narrative, and then use laser-cutting to create a typographic sculpture for our narrative. My environment is my bed, and my narrative is: In my sleep, I can I live the life I want.
The form is a modern interpretation of a dream-catcher and is 36x64". It will be suspended at an angle (almost parallel) over my bed. It's made of 6 panels of white bristol, and the laser-cutting was thanks to Zoyes Creative Group in Ferndale, Michigan.
The panels will be sewn together with clear thread.

The following is a create-your-own-typeface project. We had to choose an environment and then design a typeface for it. My environment was Edinburgh, Scotland, and my typeface is pulled directly from the map of Edinburgh. The upper-half of each glyph is pulled from a section of Edinburgh's northern and griddy New Town, while the bottom half is from the winding, southern Old Town map. The typeface will also include a series of dingbats that are icons for some of the attractions of Edinburgh. Each character is hand-drawn in Illustrator and then imported, spaced, and kerned with Font Lab. The typeface will eventually be showcased in two 30x40" posters, which are still under construction.

Whew.
These are just two of the 8 or 9 projects I have going on right now.
I've been busy, jah.

3/12/09:: Busy Beez

2010-03-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

It's been an insane week here in Apartment 322! Josh has been gone for the week, so I've had the place to myself-- frantically working away in anticipation for my week in NYC. The goal was to finish reworking pieces for my portfolio as well as complete the coursework I'll be missing next week. *Wipes sweat off of brow*

Ollie and I have been spending loads of quality time together too. Movie nights and early morning coffees by the window.

Reworked version of my 3-DIMENSIONAL poster from my Advanced VisCom I last semester. It's a crappy screenshot + photo mockup of what the finished thing will look like. New layout and typography.

An original typeface I'm creating for my Typography IV class this semester. This is the very first sketch/drawing-- we had to just form the letters for 'Yankee Doodle went to town.' We had to choose an object, location, or event to inspire the typeface. My typeface is inspired my coffee sessions in Edinburgh. :D

Snuggling down with my bebes <3

Courtney and I went shoppppinngggg. I got some new things for spring! :)

3/5/10:: Everything is going to be alright.

2010-03-05T12:46:00.001-08:00

So it's officially spring break now. Big excitement, big scare as well. The first half of the semester has been both hellish and rewarding.

Midterm grades
Typography IV: B+
Portfolio/Presentation: B-
Advanced VisCom II: A

This upcoming week is huge for me, emotionally and work-wise. It's spring break, yes, but for me-- it is going to be the week that I really have the opportunity to pull my life together. I have tons of work to do for my portfolio class, as well as my senior thesis. I've been slipping farther and farther behind on reworking my projects for my portfolio, and I have mountains of work to do for the classes I'll be missing the week after break for NYC. It is my absolute dream right now to finish out my last 7 weeks of my college education feeling prepared, organized, and in-charge of my work. I couldn't stand to continue on OR end my college career the haphazard way they've been these past few weeks.

Also, my parents are coming for a short visit tomorrow night. Josh is leaving this evening for a week in Florida, so I extended an impromptu invitation for my parents to come up to the city and see Detroit. They've never stayed with me here, and we've never really gotten along peacefully for longer than 10 minutes. I invited them up to do something fun here, and to try to show them that I am responsible and I DO have a life here in Detroit. Their view of the city is that is a horrible place, and I hope that showing them the reality of my life here might help them understand that it's not such an open-and-shut case that I'm going right home after graduation. I also want to at least TRY to make a step forward in our daughter-parental relationship, since the past 4 years have been rather terrible between us.

That said, all this is leading up to my trip to NYC next week, where I'll be seeing Shannon, Shonagh, and a few other legendary Scotland friends. The reason I'm so adamant about this week being so successful is that I've been looking forward to NYC being fabulous for months now. It would be so great for me to be able to go and leave my organized, ready-to-go school life back here in Detroit, and just have a week to focus on the other parts of myself. My thirst for friendships, travel, freedom... I want to be able to do nothing but enjoy myself all week long. I know it's in my power, but it's going to require a lot of preparation to acquire that state of mind.

SO, here goes nothing.

Tonight:
laundry
clean bathroom
wash kitchen floor
take trash down to dumpsters
febreze furniture/vacuum
finish re-organizing workspace

Spring Break tasks:
-Typography IV homework (typeface ideation/sketches) + email to Chad
-Senior Thesis ideation/research + email to Zack
-Finish reworking Ecommo project (website/letterhead/business card)
-Rework 3D poster
-Rework Sweet Bee's Annual Report
-Revise Self-Identity/Research "Sharing" interface
-Ideation/Production of Voicemail Installation

-Mail Joe's package
-Purchase new book
-Clean out/back-up laptop

SO much to do.
But I'm too determined to fail.
Only a little bit longer, and I'm not going to crumble in the end.

3/3/10:: Biebs

2010-03-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

I got the Bieber fever fever fever!

3/2/10:: I HAVE AN IMPORTANT CATCHY SAYING THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING

2010-03-01T22:12:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but I am absolutely SICK of seeing this kind of bullshit on design blogs, circulating around the design world. There's gotta be at least 9 million of these super stupid sayings being posted around, being called interesting works of design. Who likes this kind of trendy bullshit?

This has been going on for years in the design community. And I wish it would stop.
Every time I see one, I actually want to barf a little.

2/27/10:: Lately

2010-02-27T16:01:00.000-08:00

DETROIT (photo cred: Danny Jacobs)

When I start to post the date in the subject line, the drop-down shows me the name of the post I created in 2009. Today, one year ago, I was booking hostels in Barcelona. AGH!

Lately, my life has been a bit of a droning chaos-- if you can imagine such a thing. Sprained ankle. Frustrated friendships. Justin Bieber. Funk night. Messy desk. The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant. All the while, however, I'm never feeling or experiencing much of anything beyond white noise.

I've been having lots of long, sleepless nights lately. No matter how tired I am, I can never seem to get a full night's sleep. Although last night this changed with the remedy of alcohol (I'm not sure that even counts). Anyway, beside that, these nights have been full of lots of movie-watching and contemplating. Mostly about NYC in 2 weeks and the beach with Joe.

I try as best I can not to think about where I'm going to be in 3 months. What am I going to do?
The mounting pressures of graduation are paralyzing.

2/22/10:: Clusterfuck

2010-02-22T02:00:00.001-08:00

a typical night.
it's 5:00am.

these photos don't even do the cluster-fuck justice.
honestly.
it covers every inch of my apartment.

still unprepared.

2/21/10:: Explosions

2010-02-21T01:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like the actual vessel that is my skull is going to explode open with the pressure building in my brain. My eyes are going to run so fast with tears that my eyeballs will just wash right out of their sockets. My jaw will be stretched as wide open as it will go to let all the words and memories and pictures spew out. An actual horror movie explosion of dreams and thoughts and memories and happiness and things I've been trying to save.

In reality, I just close my eyes, and I put my hands over my face. I sit very still, and I try to remember the way people sounded when they said something to me that I found very moving or special. My eyelids start fluttering and my forehead wrinkles up. My hands tremble, and my ears get hot. I can feel myself blushing in my own hands.

Sometimes it's truly overwhelming to love life as much as I do. And very hurtful to remember beautiful things and wonder if something as special will ever happen again. It always does. There's always something on the horizon. I am not fearful or regretful. I just want to keep them all forever. Just as clearly as they happened in that moment, right up there. In my head. So I can visit it whenever I want.

I swear my brain has a heartbeat.
Pulse pulse pulse.

I've been so blessed.

2/18/10:: Wish

2010-02-18T03:01:00.000-08:00

6am. watching a woman bleed from the neck and listening to bagpipes via youtube.

aching aching aching aching.

insomnia.
wine.

wish i was sleeping.
wish i was in a weeping glen.
wish i was.

pointless.

2/14/10:: Yellow Bird

2010-02-14T00:29:00.000-08:00

i have not forgotten you.

my yellow bird.

2/12/10:: Revise and Regroup

2010-02-12T00:23:00.000-08:00

If you don't like it, change it, we said, to each other and to ourselves. And so we would change the man, for another one. Change, we were sure, was for the better always. We were revisionists; what we revised was ourselves.

2/11/10:: Missing

2010-02-11T19:46:00.000-08:00

I spend a lot of time rehashing good memories. It's always something I've done-- I tend to dwell a lot on what was, rather than what is. Usually, I write about memories in great detail or drift off into my head for a few hours. Being that it's the weekend, and I was home alone, I decided to see if I could get through the pang of nostalgia quickly and therapeutically. Decided to do a 2-minute painting of the memory/image I was thinking of. Very messy, but it definitely helped.

This is a picture I took of Joe as we were waiting for the train to London. We said that if we met again in Edinburgh, this would be our "spot." It's (shoddily) painted on a page from Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf.

I think I'm going to do this more often.

meet me at the bridge, love.

2/6/10:: No wise words

2010-02-06T12:41:00.001-08:00

A rather stagnant time, this past week has been. Haphazard encounters with friends and the opposite sex, coupled with budget breaking and mild stress. While the rest of the east coast gets pummeled with 2 feet of snow, Detroit remains its same neutral, cold grey.

I finished my wood-working trophy wife project, and it's on display in the Taubman.

I also registered for graduation yesterday, which was both liberating and somewhat numbing. I see leaving CCS as an extremely positive thing, but I am not quite sure what lies beyond that. I'm torn between imagining myself in the happiest, most inspired conditions against living in my parents house and struggling through interview after interview in downtown Pittsburgh.

Whenever I'm in Detroit, I feel like I ride from one broken engagement/promise onto the next, stuffing my face with snack food and cigarettes all along the way.

Turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands.

1/31/10:: Lumberjacking

2010-01-31T16:26:00.001-08:00

1/28/10:: Ani Sent Me This In Class Today

2010-01-28T11:59:00.000-08:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

LOL.

1/26/10:: "Maybe it's just the wine"

2010-01-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

I wake up, it's a bad dream
no one on my side
I was fighting, but I just feel too tired
to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side,
but you're long gone.
Yeah, you're long gone now.

Where do we go?
I don't even know.
My strange old face,
and just thinking about those days.
I'm thinking about those days.

1/24/10:: These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things...

2010-01-24T17:40:00.000-08:00

This looks like my kind of book, hehe.

1/23/10:: Proserpina

2010-01-23T19:14:00.000-08:00

This is from Kate McGarrigles' last performance this winter before her untimely death due to cancer at age 63 this week. It's a song she wrote about her daughter (also a brilliant musician), Martha Wainwright, who is seen performing with her here. The song is based on the myth of Persephone (Proserpina in Latin), a daughter who has been tricked into marrying the god of the underworld and can only resurface for 6 months of the year. This song is from the view of the mother, the goddess of gifts such as food, warmth, etc. It's about how, in her wrath and misery for her daughter's yearly departure, she controls the seasons and plagues.

Brings me to tears. Enjoy.

RIP Kate McGarrigle.

1/21/09:: yeeeeeeehaw, amurrica.

2010-01-21T20:44:00.000-08:00

1/20/10:: The Truth About Cats and Dogs

2010-01-20T19:13:00.001-08:00

It's been a pretty long time now (I can't determine exactly HOW long) that I have been having some internal issues with what I'm doing with my life, as far as career and general occupation (time spent, friendships maintained, etc). It's always been difficult–I'm not going to pretend that when I started my time at art college that I found what I was doing to be easy or natural. Struggle has always been present. It's the invigoration and the desire to succeed that has capsized, and it's this that has really come to worry me.

When I look back at my first two years at CCS, I see a very different person from who I have become today. I used to lecture people on the importance of college, and I used to elevate my work to a holy level. I was invigorated by every new challenge, and the way I looked at the work in design annuals was nothing short of a worshiping gaze. I was getting amazing marks, and I was consistently ahead of the curb, even when my projects weren't entirely successful. Even in failure, I was absorbing things, and I was fierily determined to make a mark, make a successful gesture, receive a compliment, and try something new.

It seems to me, however, that somewhere along the line, for me anyway, the "magic" that I once saw in a creative career has been lost. Not to say that I don't enjoy creativity or enjoy the fruits of hard labor anymore, but I have just come to decide that I no longer align myself with the way people in this industry function. For example, I used to marvel at the works of David Carson, Stefan Sagmeister, Tomato... and now, I have a hard time looking at them without thinking, "Oh, they are on another level." "They are rock stars." "They are fully caught up in a shroud of design arrogance and bullshit that just doesn't apply to my practical experience and struggles with design." As often as I try to re-evaluate this outlook, I don't find myself changing my mind.

Now that I am on the brink of graduation, my professionalism has come under serious scrutiny by my peers (not verbally, but it is felt) and especially by my school's faculty. No longer a star student, I have been told time-and-time again over the past two years that my typographic skills are weak, I don't experiment enough, I am too stuck on unoriginal ideas, I am not editing properaly, and that my overall body of work is not where it should be for someone "at my level." I am struck down and dumb-founded by this, as I am a second semester senior sitting on a 3.6 GPA. Where did I go wrong? Was it when I stopped feverishly loving design? Probably. But I'm not sure it's possible to force yourself to love a career or process if, for the most part, you despise its underlying mythologies.

The mythology of design is truly that it needs to be intelligent and exhaustive. You need to be culturally aware, explore things from every angle, and at the end of the day, produce extremely pointed and perfectly crafted work. No room for mistakes conceptually or in actual execution. Choosing a typeface from the wrong era-- how foolish! Using stripes instead of a self-created pattern based on socio-cultural observations-- how lazy, how boring, how predictable!

I can't argue that these people are all wrong. Good work does come from this sort of thinking, I agree. But somewhere along the line, there isn't a welcoming bow to people willing to learn. I truly feel like 'you get it or you don't' at this point, and there is little room in the modern art school for people that struggle. People that aren't completely moist with trends and the latest doo-dad available via CS4. Reading books like "How to be a graphic designer without losing your soul"-- a book created for students on the brink of career-- seem absolutely absurd to me. This book outlines what it takes to be a designer today, and to me, it just seems like a ridiculous checklist of traits that are superhuman. Who is perfect at all of these things? How snobby do I have to be to produce great work and be accepted in the design community? Maybe I am being overly harsh, but the fact remains in that this profession seems to demand an outlook and interest that I just do not hold. My values do not lie in schmoozing my way to the top, being a typeface snob, clouding forms with mountains of process. I'm an advocate for living and letting creativity flow from experiences. I believe in working to live, not living to work, which seems to have caused others to brush me aside and take me less seriously as a designer. I guess they are right about that-- since my portfolio is apparently a disaster.

At some point in my academic career, I have bumped into the category of the hopeless, the lazy, and the sloppy. In my reviews now, there is little praise and lots of shaking heads which all seem to be saying, "What have you been doing for the past three years not to produce anything worthwhile?" The truth is that I don't know. I never imagined myself to be one semester away from a professional career and suddenly feeling like I was never cut out for this.

Now, when I need it most, I find myself without the drive to fix things. I find myself bored of the hoity-toity design world, and I find myself happiest when I am far away from it. For any psychologist and probably every "professional designer," this is where they turn away from me, abandon all hope in my progress, and tell me to look into another profession. Not an option, people. I am almost 100k in this thing, and I wasn't always this cynical. No one is owning up to the fact that art schools and the design field in general are destroying people emotionally and creatively. I feel there is something seriously wrong with starting out invigorated with excitement and drive for success and leaving absolutely depressed and hating everything and everyone associated with my field of choice. I find something seriously wrong with letting someone get to their final year in education ON THE DEAN'S LIST, and then basically tell them they have no chance of being successful in the real world. When I point my finger, three fingers DO point back at me... and that's fine. I'll take that. But it doesn't make it any easier to solve my current problem. It doesn't answer my questions. It doesn't make every single night that I sit depressed at my computer any easier. It doesn't make design fun again. It doesn't do anything for my self-confidence.

There doesn't seem to be anything left for me to do besides try to ignore all these internal conflicts and just do the best I can to get out of here and get a job. I don't think, however, that my walk into the job market is going to go smoothly. And I don't think I'm going to leave here feeling good about the $100,000 I've spent on this education. To me, I feel like I've spent the money on a lot of projects that I am going to have to redo anyway... and a great feeling of self-doubt and inadequacy. I came in with guns-blazing, and I am leaving with my head down, smoker lungs, and a serious feeling of general melancholy about my future. I used to be full of life and vigor, and now I feel like half of myself. I just want to cry every day that I am forced to go to school and talk about art like it actually makes any sense. It all just seems like a bunch of conceptual bullshit. If someone as eager to learn as I was has no place in this field, then who does? The people wearing the most layered v-necks?
To me, this is the definition of a poor investment.

Ah, but what to do about it anyway.

1/17/10:: General Happenings

2010-01-17T17:07:00.001-08:00

The happenings of recent times:

NIGHTS OUT:
Josh and I went to a comedy club in Ann Arbor on Thursday night and saw the delightful Maria Bamford. We got there early, got great seats, and I ordered a giant long island to sip-- of course, the most expensive drink on the menu. I'm such a sucker for a great cock. The comedy was top-notch, and I came home delighted to have not been a hermit all night. My buzzed head hit the pillow so easily, and I fell asleep quickly.

HYGIENE:
I dyed my hair this evening and accidently became a blotchy redhead. The color said chestnut brown, but instead, I have blotches of burgundy on my roots amongst dirty blonde... with dark brown tips. Disastro. I've avoided colors with red in them my entire life, and it goes to show that sometimes taking risks really doesn't pay off. As soon as I get some extra cash, I will have to bite the bullet and call in a professional and see if this can be salvaged.

HAPPY MOMENTS:
This has also been an exciting week for receiving packages. First and least excitingly, I got two netflix movies-- one of which was Top Hat starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. What a delight! Also, my mom sent a package with lots of new toys for Ollie, including a great cat house (with a built-in "observation deck" covered in faux fur). He has been perched on it most of the weekend, overlooking his kingdom like a true dauphin. Thirdly, Lindsey sent me the most wonderful Xmas present-- a calendar of delightful pictures from our times overseas-- each month themed: The Early Days, The Meadows, General Schwaste, Idiots, etc. Absolutely hilarious-- made my day, truly.

HEALTH:
Also, I've started dieting and working out. Yesterday I hit the gym for 30 minutes of cardio, some crunches, and arm work. I'm sore as can be today, but it feels pretty good. I'm starting out in the range of 155-160lbs, so we will see where I end up. I'm hoping to be down to 145lbs by summer.

CCS:
The new semester is off to a shaky start. I was feeling pretty great about my first critique. With only 9 credits I was feeling confident that it was going to be a much more manageable semester; however, my portfolio class gave me a huge knock to the ground. Matt doesn't think any of the work I've done in my time at CCS is worthwhile of my portfolio, so I need to literally redo almost every project I've done since I arrived in Detroit. Also, some of my favorite projects were totally excluded from said pending portfolio. Huge knock on my confidence. Trying to use it as fuel for the fire, though.

Thoughts are forward to the NYC trip and the beach trip.

Woot.

1/9/10:: Another chapter

2010-01-09T21:26:00.000-08:00

The eve of another change, another move, another "new start."
I've been going through this season after season-- state to state, friend to lover, parents to cat, job to school, car to taxi.

Of course, you always gain from transition, but if I do it too often, do I fail to remember to bring everything along? Have farewells and new beginnings become so routine that I've been neglecting to fully embrace them for all their opportunity and emotional possibility?

[It's making me nervous how every day seems the same.]

But of course, I don't really know what good worrying about any of it does. I keep moving. I keep trying.
I'm never so bad off as to just quit. I always wait for the rainbow, so to speak.

I've become very conditioned to the practice of saying goodbye gracefully. I do it so well that it almost unnerves me-–the robotic way I can walk through doors, drive away, sign off.
It's probably not the best way to be-- I've always believed feelings are the most important possession. But if you decide NOT to feel-- I believe that doesn't make you any less the owner of those feelings. Perhaps you are just controlling them better? Perhaps you are just more powerful than a person who lets them spill out into their hands.
It's a very perplexing question.

I'll remember the panic attacks. I'll remember the massage. I'll remember the green tea.
I'll remember the candles. The guacamole. The... gift.
I'll remember the glasses. The dancing. The movies. The book. The job. The questions.

He was so beautiful.
I've been so patient.

Souvenirs from Christmas holiday 2009.

1/4/10:: Wintery Boredom

2010-01-04T15:18:00.001-08:00

trapped inside bc the roads were too bad to spend the night with friends.
guess it's another movie night for me.

sigh.
going to other places in my head.

1/4/10 :: Booty

2010-01-04T14:40:00.001-08:00

LOL.
I was leaving a comment on Lally's blog.
: ]

12/30/09:: The Unbearable Lightness of Being

2009-12-29T23:49:00.000-08:00

Meditating:

"The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.

Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes a man to be lighter than air, to soar into the heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What shall we choose then-- Weight or Lightness?"

11/29/09: New Blog

2009-12-29T14:33:00.000-08:00

So today I began my new film blog-- me going through the book 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die, rating and talking about all the films in the book.

If you're interested in following, here is the link:

http://www.filmrevival.blogspot.com

12/19/09:: Snowflakes

2009-12-19T13:36:00.000-08:00

The semester is (finally) officially over for me, and I am back home in Pennsylvania for the holidays.

Let it snow

12/17/09:: Two New Meditations

2009-12-16T22:52:00.001-08:00

To my soul:

Are you ever going to achieve goodness? Ever going to be simple, whole, and naked–as plain to see as the body that contains you? Know what an affectionate and loving disposition would feel like? Ever be fulfilled, ever stop desiring–lusting and longing for people and things to enjoy? Or for more time to enjoy them? Or for some other place or country–"a more temperate clime"? Or for people easier to get along with? And instead be satisfied with what you have, and accept the present–all of it. And convince yourself that everything is the gift of nature, that things are good and always will be, whatever it decides and have in store for the preservation of the ever-moving entity–good and just and beautiful, creating all things, connecting and embracing them, and gathering in their separated fragments.

Will you ever take your stand as a fellow citizen with nature and human beings, blaming no one, deserving no one's censure?

----------------------

Everything you're trying to reach–by taking the long way round–you could have right now, this moment. If only you'd stop thwarting your own attempts. If you'd only let go of the past, entrust the future to nature, and guide the present toward reverence and justice.

Reverence so you'll accept what you're allotted. Nature intended it for you, and you for it.

Justice: so that you'll speak the truth, frankly and without evasions, and act as you should–as other people deserve.

Don't let other people deter you: other people's misbehavior, your own misperceptions, What People Will Say, or the feelings of the body that covers you (let the affected part take care of those). And if, when it's time to depart, you shunt everything aside except your mind and the divinity within. . .if it isn't ceasing to live that you're afraid of but never beginning to live properly. . .then you'll be worrying of the world that made you.

No longer an alien in your own land.

No longer shocked by everyday events–as if they were unheard-of abberations.

No longer the mercy of this, or that.

12/5/09:: Meditations

2009-12-05T09:50:00.000-08:00

HUMAN LIFE:

Duration: momentary.

Nature: changeable.

Perception: dim.

Condition of Body: decaying.

Soul: spinning around.

Fortune: unpredictable.

Lasting Fame: uncertain.

Sum Up: the body and its parts are a river, the soul a dream and mist, and a journey far from home, lasting reputation is oblivion.

Then what can guide us?

11/27/09:: Rainbow Chaser

2009-11-27T12:19:00.000-08:00

baby Decklan

Albert

I had a really beautiful Thanksgiving, involving both family and old friends. Reconnecting with Schvee, meeting Jess' new family, and spending lovely time with Albert.

Life seems sweeter than usual today.

11/23/09:: I really needed this.

2009-11-23T14:45:00.000-08:00

I don't think I could ever express how amazing Joe, Shannon, and Shonagh are.

Not that I needed one, but today was just an overwhelming reminder of how lucky I am to have friends like these.

It's been such a rough 2 weeks, and when I came home to find this delightful package waiting for me--I just went over the edge into waterfall tears of happiness/sadness.

I love you guys, and I truly miss you every day. xx

11/16/09:: So Fre$h, So Clean

2009-11-17T22:40:00.000-08:00

Sooooo, I'm taking my senior studio next semester with THAT guy-- a guest instructor at my college. (Zach... also known as Beverly Fre$h.)

Needless to say, I'm pretty excited about this.

Check out more of his work here:

http://www.beverlyfresh.com

11/16/09 :: The Worst Place

2009-11-16T21:05:00.000-08:00

get me out of here.

11/15/09:: In Response To Joe Rudi

2009-11-15T13:08:00.000-08:00

My chaotic workspace.

Joe, yours is much more charming than mine.

11/15/09:: Anybody Home?

2009-11-15T06:53:00.000-08:00

*Knock Knock*

Does anybody even read this? Anybody out there?

I'm not sure this blog serves a purpose anymore, but onward, progress, so it seems...

I am, however, sure that I am spending far too much time thinking about how cute my cat is.

I'm awake early this morning after a hopefully sustaining 3.5 hours of sleep. Had a good Skype-session with my good mates o'er the ocean, and although it always nice to their shimmering (but not shiny) faces, it only gets harder and harder to be here every time we chat.

I'm currently at work on three major projects, none of which are at any stage of being ready for sharing, but I do hope to start putting up some work soon.

1. Annual Report for Sweet Bee's Sugar Shop

a children's book-esque piece that documents a year in business for this fake company

2. Propaganda piece for Starbucks Coffee Drinks- Stop using the paper cup!

a paper cup with dashing insults pointing at the user to guilt them into using a mug.

3. Re-branding of Detroit Transportation: ddot, the people mover, woodward light rail

...i have no idea. which is a major problem.

Ahhh, but it's almost time to register for my LAST SEMESTER OF CLASSES!

I'M GRADUATING IN MAY, BETCHES!

Boy, you really have no idea how exciting this is for me.

So far, my prospective schedule is as follows:

Advanced Visual Communications II

Tech/Professional Portfolio

Independent Study- Silkscreen

*some other class to keep me as a full-time student that I haven't yet chosen*

possibilities:

-ceramics: intro to wheel throwing

-letterpress for 21st century

-art history

-fibers: intro to weaving

I'm considering taking a fine art studio, but the idea of having 4 studios really lessens the excitement of having only 12 credit hours...

Ho hum.

To be determined...

11/14/09:: What If

2009-11-13T21:36:00.000-08:00

Some ideas I've been throwing around:

1. I'm considering quitting smoking the day after my 23rd birthday. (July 11th 2010)

2. I'm considering taking an independent study next semester in the fine arts department: silk-screening.

3. I'm considering getting a minor in Art History since I am only two classes away from it, but unfortunately my favorite professor isn't teaching any of the 300-400 level art histories next semester. So hmph.

4. I'm considering joining the YMCA in January to take kickboxing and pilates classes.

5. I'm still considering working my way through the 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die book over the next two years.

6. I'm considering applying for a job on campus working on promotional materials for the college. Not sure I want to do that, but I could use the money. Seriously.

7. I'm considering opening up a shop on etsy when I graduate to sell things that I will make in my spare evenings–silkscreen cards, journals, hand-sewn pet toys, and other random things. This will be the Scotland fund... maybe.

8. I'm considering deleting everyone out of my phone, and then only adding people back as they contact me. Since no one seems to ever do that–this will eliminate a lot of my feeling sad when people ignore my calls/texts.

Just ideas at this point.

But just by odds alone, one of them is bound to happen, right?

11/7/09:: Saturday night has a lonely sort of sound. ever notice that lila?

2009-11-07T13:29:00.000-08:00

Some men are just to die for. Rawr, Norman!

I love movies. I love movies. I love movies. I've always loved movies, and for a while, I was on a Netflix quest to catch myself up to other dignified movie-lovers in terms of knowledge. Not just for the street cred, but because my love for movies wasn't matching up with my actual track record. Though it truly was a valiant effort, it was a bit of a fail nevertheless--many movies to see, so little time. Also, where to begin? Classic black and white? Musicals? Indie films? I was tap dancing all over the place.

I look around in my Intro To Film class, and I don't see anyone else salivating over the clever Hitchcock symbolism being revealed by our professor... could it just me that finds this so gripping? Why don't films propel these other people the way they do me?

I love movies.

I'm thinking of starting a journey through the book 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die.

Part of me think this is necessary, and part of me is scared I'll be waded through a barrage of bad "classic" films while missing out on loads of cult classics. The list to my (self-trained) eye, however, does look pretty respectable, and the idea of the project sends shivers up me spine... blog opportunity!

I'm going to contemplate this idea a little further, but I'll keep you posted.

11/5/09 :: The Doors

2009-11-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

come on, come on, come on, come on

now touch me, baby

can't you see that i am not afraid?

now i'm gonna love you

till the heavens stop the rain.

the mother of my 10th grade boyfriend called me a "desperate woman."

11/3/09 :: Get In

2009-11-03T00:06:00.000-08:00

You know, this GENUINELY almost got me to quit smoking today.

And I'm not quite sure I've ever considered quitting yet.

Who says celebrities can't sell you on ideas?

Ewan, you are a powerful man.

11/1/09:: F F Fashion

2009-11-01T13:52:00.000-08:00

Aladdin Sane + Aborted Fetus

Can't stop listening to David Bowie after this weekend of dressing as Aladdin Sane for Funk Night @ The Majestic Theatre. Also, embarrassingly enough, Ewan McGregor's songs from Moulin Rouge have also been in rotation.

There should be more Scottish men in America, jah?

Time to retreat back to normal life.

Eyes straight ahead, mouth shut, fingers on keyboard.

10/26/09 :: There's So Much To Tell Ya

2009-10-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

I believe in freedom

Freedom's apparently all I need

But who's ever been free in this world?

Who has never had to bleed in this world?

10/22/09 :: These Foolish Things Remind Me Of You

2009-10-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

It's a ridiculously cloudy Thursday afternoon, and I keep glancing over to the window, noticing it getting darker and darker outside. I can almost smell the rain from inside. I'm one hour away from the weekend, trying to avoid eye contact with my professor so she doesn't ask me what I've done on my project since Tuesday. (The answer would be “pretty much nothing.”) I'm experiencing a massive case of burn-out-- drained and tired on almost every level. I waste studio time because I can't concentrate, and then I end up forcing myself to stay up super late to catch up, worsening the cycle.

I'm glad the weekend is almost here. I can rest soon. After I write the seven page philosophy paper that is due tomorrow of course...

Billie Holiday is really suiting my mood today, sitting here with tired eyes, watching the rain roll into the city, and waiting for this final hour of my work week to pass. Sometimes I wish I had an old phonograph to play me this song. A big smoky smelling red recliner chair. My cat sitting on my lap. A big teeshirt and leggings. Maybe some hot tea too.

I like going places in my imagination. In my head, I can live the life I want to.

10/16/09:: There's One In All Of Us

2009-10-16T01:09:00.000-07:00

I went to the midnight showing of Where The Wild Things Are tonight. What an interesting film! While at times I felt it gets a little childish with the way the monsters are handled, I often found myself stepping back and admiring it for the same reasons.

First of all, the soundtrack is GENIUS. Bravo Karen O. You nailed it.

Second, the casting is spot on-- the boy is simply adorable and delightful and spirited and absolutely makes the film. The perfect Max.

Third, what I loved most of all about the film is the way the director keeps making suggestions through cinematography, time, lighting, gestures that this is all imagination. There is a fascinating mix of feeling like what you are seeing IS real and it all being a beautiful daydream.

Some of the scenes were shot so beautifully and succinctly with my "dream-world" as a child that it shocked me. It was almost like opening a photo album of my childhood imagination. Things that now there is no physical evidence of, but that I can still recall at will just like any of my "real" memories.

Dark at times, but appropriately so... I really did enjoy it. Part of me wanted to knock it down after all the hype and the theatre packed with plaid shirts and dark-rimmed glasses-- but I think it stood its ground against my cynicism.

Also, the movie was part of a night that was really about me getting back to happiness--something I've been thinking about almost nonstop lately. Daydreaming about Scotland, fighting temptations to complain about my current station in life...

I've just been majorly caged lately. How appropriate that a night out with a friend (finally) is based around this film, which is all about finding happiness, imagination, being free, making mistakes, conflict/resolution, and contentment with loneliness.

Good film, good night.

It might have been the reminder I needed.

10/10/09:: Mystery

2009-10-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

Recent events have brought some new and interesting thoughts to the fore-front of my mind.

My opinion of the design industry has been in a consistent down-spiral, you could say starting as long as a year ago, but most notably just this semester. So how do I deal with what is truly inevitable about my future-- the need to accumulate enough money to be on my own, a design job, loan payments? I'm not going to disregard this degree that I've suffered so long for-- even if I do think it is a complete load of miserable rubbish. So how am I going to make this work?

My answer is a simple one: mystery.

I need to retain mystery. First of all, I need to stop complaining so much. No one understands me when I complain. No one cares when I complain. And frankly, it's not really making me feel any better either.

Second of all, if all I can think about is getting back to Edinburgh, then I need to make some decisions about what is going to happen come May. Am I going to decide to save up for a summer trip, or am I going to plan to move back for a job as soon as I graduate? My mother and I just recently (yesterday) had a really depressing argument about it. I asked for a ticket to go back over spring break as my Xmas present, and she shot me down saying that I've done enough jet-setting and now it's time to get serious. I have loan payments, and I need to use that spring break + every penny I have on finding a job for graduation.

True.

But I miss my friends.

And my friends here are rarely around, and most of the time, do not make me happy.

So, something has to happen. Not saying I have the answers yet, but this is something I'm going to start seriously dealing with... starting now.

I'm just going to do my work. I'm going to try my best to ignore the inner-pangs for a boyfriend. For fun social interaction. I'm just going to stay home. And do my work. And not complain about it.

Sure, I'm riding a little bit on karma here. Hoping that if I just do what I'm supposed to, somehow it will work out for me.

I'm just tired of being unhappy, and thus it is time to actually make an effort toward something that might make feel good about life again-- instead of just stewing in my own shit all the time.

10/8/09 :: See Her Tumbling Down

2009-10-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

Try to ignore the buttsex between Ewan McGregor + Christian Bale at the start of this video.

It's my favorite song/video sequence from the movie that follows.

I love Velvet Goldmine.

It always serves as an escape/reminder to times when I've felt free and dominate over my creative demons.

It reminds me of being a teenager and cutting class to drink apple tea and do photoshoots with friends.

Driving on back roads and somehow feeling like we were the privileged ones.

The ones with the closest connection to art.

The best taste in music.

The only ones that "got it."

Which is mostly what the movie is about, at least to me:

Being a part of the group-- having that feeling. And the subsequent fall from grace that occurs when it inevitably has to stop.

That was the best part of being a teenager, and it is also the thing I've most regrettably lost with age.

Not to mention, generally speaking, it's just a great film with great music.

10/6/09 :: Detroit Public Transit

2009-10-06T20:40:00.001-07:00

This is me and GOMAR just moments before we took a bus to the ghetto-ass east side and got stranded there in the rain. AKA: I was fearing for my life. We are researching for a project to re-brand the disaster that is Detroit Public Transit. This is us trying to decipher one of the only maps-- a block away from the bus depot. Classic.

Yay Detroit. Yay Research!

9/30/09:: Review

2009-09-30T08:31:00.000-07:00

Today was my end-of-the-year review for last year's design work. Typically this review occurs at the end of the school year, and it determines whether or not your work is good enough for you to move on to the next level. You are graded on a system of 1- 4 in different categories, 4 being the best and 1 being the worst.

I stayed up most of last night preparing for it-- not to mention all of the work I did over the weekend and summer to get ready. Then, today, Doug (the head of the design department and my senior studio professor) sat down in front of all my work, casually flipped through it, "yeah" and "uh huh"ed all my discussion, and then just let loose.

He told me that I have no sense of typography. He told me I'm using a design vocabulary in my work that speaks of 2003, and that I am riding a dead trend with my ideas. And when I told him of having ambitions for London, he told me that if I don't start working 10x harder, it pretty much will never happen. He gave me a large helping of 2's and a few 1's.

I'm so filled with anger that I could scream. Why does everyone have to be a god damn Stephen Sagmeister in this field??? I've worked so hard at trying to reassemble some form of care for this profession/path I'm moving down, and every time I get close to getting my foot on it, I get a swift kick in the ass back to the land of I Don't Give A Fuck. How am I supposed to work harder when I am already staying up all night, every single night... with the flu, chainsmoking away my panic attacks... ???

I will be the first to admit that I didn't do very much work in Scotland. In fact, I did pretty much nothing beyond the first identity system I did for Ecommo. Fine. But I did make a large earnest effort to fix that with supplementary projects that I did entirely on my own over the summer and into the beginning of this year. Sure, they weren't stark-raving genius, but I thought they were certainly worth talking about. Instead, the only mention Doug made of them was to tell me that my book project was going to do absolutely nothing for my portfolio, and that I am in no shape to compete with people in London for jobs because they are the best. ...And I'm dirt?

What if I don't want to be a fucking trend-tastic design star? What if I just want a strong enough portfolio to get a job at a reasonable design firm in the city of my choosing? I don't care about being in design annuals. I don't care about being famous or having big name clients or hosting lecture series or being top creative director.

And regardless of what was said today, I know that I started off this year packing serious heat. I came back to CCS with a fire under my ass to make myself known again in the design department, amongst faculty and students. And instead, I've been trampled upon by the person whose respect I was trying to earn, my work isn't hung in the hallway along with everyone else's, and I'm tired/annoyed as fuck.

I just want to forget the whole thing and drop out. Screw it. I just need to find a man to pay off my loans and pump me full of babies.

9/26/09:: The Bullet Enters Brain

2009-09-26T14:02:00.000-07:00

O cruel, needless misunderstanding!

O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast!

Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose.

But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished.

He had won the victory over himself.

He loved Big Brother.

9/26/09:: If you lived here, you'd be home now.

2009-09-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

Brought to my attention by Carianoff.

This week's Time Magazine cover.

9/26/09:: Oh, I'm getting one of these.

2009-09-26T00:13:00.000-07:00

"Almost as much freedom as a birthday suit!! Like a birthday suit, it stretches, twists, bends, and is wrinkle-resistant."

We really were doing it right in the 70s.

9/24/09:: Barely Survived

2009-09-24T20:59:00.001-07:00

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Satanic/crazed laugh necessary.

Here is the scoop. This project was assigned two weeks ago. We had to document every detail of our lives every day for 1 week and then create poster that expresses the data in an interesting and clear way. I concocted this ridiculous idea of expressing quantities of activity through mass/volume, and thus began a series of some 4 or 5 all-nighters to create this piece of work--- against the recommendation of both my professor and peers via the first critique.

In the end, I turned out to be right, and I think it turned into a great piece. The stress was monumental though, and it resulted in the apartment getting absolutely trashed and both Josh and I developing some sort of flu. Yussss!

Josh was really helpful with a lot of things-- including my spout with the judgmental lumberjacks running the woodshop. (Pricks!)

So, now my next great act will be completing an entire two-tier book + my hair salon identity on top of all my other homework (philosophy essay, film studies essay, 8 info design layouts, a book mock-up, sample spreads, research on the michigan light rail) by the end of this weekend. Hold your applause until the end please.

9/20/9:: Re-Entry

2009-09-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

Kelly takes on Tampa + 17 hours on the road = photographic gems?

JOSH IS GONE FOR THE WEEKEND! *Jumps on bed!!*

Just kidding. It's more like, I will wear his clothes and eat all our food and get nothing done because he is not here to scold me into doing my homework. Thus, productivity is low at the moment, and I am listening to Les Miserables on full volume because I can (which is either making me more in tune with my inner-revolution or it's turning me into a nutcase).

But really, to the good stuff:

While being back in Detroit has indeed been like finally birthing the child that I've been carrying around for 9 months, part of the satisfaction of it is lost to the fact that, well, it's pretty much the same as it was when I left. Bummer.

I play a lot of Guitar Hero. I'm working on a 3D poster and am plotting ways to get back overseas before next August. I bought a Remington typewriter today on Ebay. I wear glasses when I read (finally starting to go blind). And I'm practicing for married life by trying to shave my legs at least once a week. My future-husband will appreciate this.

I've been listening to a lot of Metric, Patrick Wolf, and Arcade Fire. I also have yet to post Josh and I's pictures from our roadtrip up from Tampa. That is mostly because they are terrible close-up shots of each other driving/leaning on the hood of the car at rest stops. We suck.

My first critique since being back went terribly, despite my excitement for the project. I almost went into tears, as I was running on no sleep and was no longer used to the American art school abuse. I've gotta callous up. Turn my creativity back to yellow dead skin. Yes. That's phase two of Kelly's Re-entry into American Life. Hope I don't burn up. Wish me luck.

I'm temporarily disbanding from the realm of sexual pleasure and emotional involvement. Although I can live without one or the other, I've never before attempted to subtract both from the equation. It might turn me into a schoolwork sci-borg, but that's precisely the plan. Watch me as I master the illusion of passion for my career. Clap at the end. It's gonna be a good show.

This is what's been going on.

balance beam

2009-08-22T02:21:00.000-07:00

8/1/09 :: Whatever I Like

2009-08-01T22:38:00.001-07:00

Well, that was the funniest thing that's ever happened to me.

I guess my crush on T.I. / my psycho-behavior has been truly outted.

Way to be subtle, Kells.

8/1/09 :: Motivation-ish

2009-08-01T09:35:00.001-07:00

now i'm hunched over a typewriter. i guess you call that paintin' in a cave
and there's a word i can't remember and a feeling i cannot escape.
and now my ashtray's over-flowin' and i'm still starin' at a clean, white page.
oh and morning's at my window-- she is sending me to bed again.

7/27/09 :: Just Like Honey

2009-07-27T00:21:00.000-07:00

The songs and films are still the same, but they have different meaning now, don't they? The girl has progressed, but the personal desires haven't. Is it a hunger that I'm going to indulge or accept?

Questions that time answers.

I'm sleepless and curious, and I feel trapped inside a body that just wants to wander. That's always been on the forefront of my mind, but even after an adventure, I'm still not finding myself fully satisfied. All I can see is what I haven't seen yet... and time and money are waning.

The clock is ticking toward my graduation and career and permanent housing and marriage. Could someone ever satisfy me enough to weigh down these feet, or even further, could I ever be satisfied to see these things with someone at my side?

In my mind, these experiences can't be had by anyone (or with anyone) but solely myself, and yet I don't know how much farther, realistically, I can take myself. Distance-wise or emotionally or least interestingly of all, financially.

It worries me that I keep getting closer to these things that excite most people, but to me, just seem like cement blocks on my ankles. In exactly one year, I will be expected to take my first step down (what in my mind seems like) one of two very distinct paths.

I know I don't have to live a life like everyone else. I know these decisions are completely mine, and I have the power to firmly place my wanderings above all else-- make it happen. But see, I DO want parts of that other life. I do want a white dress and a nice car. Biologically, there is a time limit. So, where will my desires intersect, or are my choices black or white? Yes or no? This or that?

These are the questions I can't get off of my mind at night. I'll wander into the answers, slowly, over time. I'll make the decisions one by one by one. But that's precisely what scares me most. Defeat is easier to take in small bites-- soon you find you've devoured the whole cake and lost the chance for what you've always wanted... if you're not careful. If time changes your mind-- is it voluntary or is it forgetfulness?

And so I'm treading lightly into each day.
Really tip-toeing through the mornings and quietly waiting during afternoons and letting the smoke hang thick long into evenings.
I'm listening very intently to songs, and I'm watching films and books and people for signals.
And I'm not going to say yes to anything that doesn't make me feel like I'm on a train, riding the coast of Scotland.

Do you understand?
I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. And my future self.

7/17/09 :: Crash

2009-07-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

What's inspiring me these days? There's a lot. Now that I am back state-side, I am being walloped on the head with the approaching reality of my return to Detroit this fall. Expectations for me and my work are high, and as for right now, I am really feeling the pressure to produce work with some sort of new insight.

Instead of feeling the rush of motivation, I feel overwhelmed. What is my style? At what point do I feel confident that I'm doing something that works and not just re-using the same old tricks? Where do my talents actually lie in the design world? Should I be focusing in or reaching out?

I look at the AIGA 365, and I think I need to be trying to vary my projects. I look at Jean Jullien, and I want to focus in and discover a style that suits me-- and then see how far I can run with it. And then I look at the work of my peers, and I wonder if I'm measuring up.

I know all of these views are useless, and all I need to do is to make make make. And to do that, you have to dive in... fearlessly. But I am afraid. Definitely very, very afraid. There was something in Edinburgh that made me feel alive-- and now I'm starting to realize that maybe it was that I had freedom from this. Freedom from creative bondage-- bondage to my work, to deadlines, to expectation.

That's life, eh?

I'm just hoping I can find some sort positive undercurrent within myself to guide me through these projects. I hope I strike gold.

In the meantime, I'm just going to have to turn up my music and try, try again.

6/16/9:: Spew

2009-06-16T18:12:00.000-07:00

There is so much to be said, but I find myself pausing for long amounts of time over the keyboard. I've avoided my blog and my livejournal for as long as possible. How can I even begin to explain what I'm feeling? I try to find closure, and I tear those feelings down because I have a right to be crushed and sad and ecstatic and nostalgic and full and free.

The slow approach of my leaving Edinburgh crawls at me with the flipping of the calendar. I hear my mom's voice telling me she misses me, and my stomach turns because I miss Scotland more already than I've missed anything I've ever been without.

When I said goodbye to Shannon on Saturday, I couldn't bring myself to cry-- as much as I felt like I should. In that moment, somehow I couldn't understand what kind of farewell it actually was. My body programmed itself to believe that "I'll see you tomorrow" was a valid statement. In reality, it will be a year before there is even the faint possibility of me seeing her in New York. And after that, what becomes of that friendship? The occasional facebook message or skype call. A bunch of fading memories.

There have been literally... LITERALLY ENDLESS times where I've paused and truly realized how lucky I am. Look at what I have been given. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my youth would be such a party. NEVER in my most ridiculous imagination did I expect my adventures here to constitute such friendships and beautiful, amazing people. I never dreamed I would ever go farther than Michigan.

I remember at age 16... looking at people's photos on the messageboard and wondering if my teen years would ever look so fun. Wondering why I never had those kind of intensely sentimental experiences for myself. Now I realize I've had more than one heart can hold.

In Detroit, we have a design department-- and I have Josh. Here in Edinburgh, I have a FAMILY. And I'm not saying this in anyway to put down my friendship with Josh because he truly is one of the absolute loves of my life and the idea of seeing him again is one of the only things that makes leaving here okay. But-- in all of my youth, I've always only had one best friend. I've never been able to be one of those people who can put together a gathering of 30 people and feel surrounded by the love of friends. I've only been here six months, and I finally have it. It feels good to be a part of something like that. It's the most amazing and painful thing, and I think the people here take it for granted because it is something they've always had. I don't think they realize how lucky they are.

I know that these words sound fake. These words sound like the sort of thing you would expect anyone to say.
That's why it's fruitless.

There isn't any combination of words and sentences that could describe the feelings I am feeling. It's mushy and sentimental-- but it's the truth and it has to be said.

I try to stay positive and look forward to the future-- because who knows what it will bring. I never knew it would bring me to this. There's bound to be more good in the future.

I hurt in ways I didn't know a heart could hurt. Because it's not for a person-- it's for an entire stage of my growing up. It's for 20 friendships. It's for a city. It's for a lifestyle.

How do you find closure for a fleeting moment?

I'll never forget this feeling.

I'll update my blog properly soon. But right now, I needed this. I needed to say it.

6/3/9:: Design Fail and The Bachelor

2009-06-03T19:13:00.001-07:00

Another day of lazing. I got up around 1pm, and I walked my unshowered self to HMV on Princes Street to buy the new PWolf album that was released on June 1st. After seeing him perform it live and hearing it on myspace, I had a pretty good idea of what to expect-- I'd already memorized most of the tracks. Still, I am floored by how powerful it is. Can't wait to get it home and listen to it in my car. I know at first I had my doubts about this new super-produced sound, but now I can't get enough of it. Favorites: Hard Times, The Sun is Often Out, The Bachelor, Count of Casualty.

It was another day of watching my phone for Andy's call and trying to ignore the turning of the calendar.

In other news, I have a motion piece due on Friday-- a title sequence for a television show called Get A Move On... a program about people buying and selling homes/property. Since I don't have any video equipment here, I did a solid effort on putting together a stop-motion piece. I was gutted to find that after three hours of work, I had made something shit-awful. The camera was bouncing, the composition was stink, and the flash murdered everything. I really hope I'm able to relocate my design talent over the summer...

Regardless, I've decided to give up on it and find something better to do on Friday than go to the critique. I feel guilty, but it's not being assessed, and I know it won't matter. Every time I get myself worked up over a project here, I am furious to find that it means nothing. I guess I'm used to the pummeling CCS always gives to half-assed effort. Also, I'm still a bit miffed at ECA about how I was treated when I turned in my assessment work. I'll just make sure to make Friday count in some other way.

Speaking of assessment though... I go to view the senior's degree show tomorrow, as well as get my final marks for the two terms. Should be an interesting day to say the least...

We are the makers of music.

We are the dreamers of dreams.

6/2/09:: Nick and Norah

2009-06-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

Today was a bit of a bummer. Andy left around 11am, and I was sad to see him go. I had a lazy day and prepared myself for his call. We had made plans to see each other again this evening.

I kept my phone glued to my side all day, periodically checking it to make sure I hadn't just not heard it ring. Unfortunately, it was no mistake-- he never called.

Crushed!

I curled up in bed and watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Truly predictable and trend-a-rific, but I'm not ashamed to say that I enjoyed it.

It really scares me that it's June now. Now I will always know how many days are left in my adventure here. There is so much about going home that scares me. I'm not prepared to leave the life that I've been building here. I will miss so much the way it has been so easy for me to meet people my own age, feel young-- and not to mention, just Edinburgh in general.

Maybe that's why it was so hurtful when I didn't hear from Andy.

I'm just really aware that happily ever after is getting shorter every day.

6/1/09 :: Jazz and Liverpool

2009-06-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight, we went to The Jazz Bar-- a really lovely jazz place that I've been wanting to go to since February but just had never gotten around to it. It was supposed to be a large group thing, but it turned out to be only the girls, Scott and Richy, and Tom McWilliam.

I'm sure Tom must've wanted to punch himself in the face for being stuck with us for the night, but I really enjoyed his company. He's going home for work placement on the tenth, and I probably won't be seeing him again. It meant a lot to me that he came out. Every time I hang out with him, I want to tell him that I wish I had gotten a chance to know him better. But perhaps it won't be the last time I see him... so I shouldn't say things like that.

After some drinks and my first taste of Guinness (thanks Tom!), Dan and Claire showed up, and we decided to make a break for Cab Vol before it closed. Not so surprisingly, the club was empty. Dan spotted a guy in goofy glasses and plaid... and so I danced with him (obviously). He asked me to go outside for a smoke, and I was surprised to find he was actually really lovely.

His name was Andy, and he was from Liverpool. Andy and I decided to make a break for it and had the most smashing drunken walk home, perhaps in all of history. I brought him back to my flat only to find my roommates had spotted Andy and I and had filmed us the whole way home.

PUNK'D.

Anyway, Andy and I spent a really lovely night together, and I was truly sad when he left in the morning. We smoked cigarettes as the sun came up and talked a lot about our families and music. He made me laugh so, so much, and I felt really comfortable around him. That's pretty rare-- at least for me.

I gave him my number, but he never called. I'd like to think it's just because he's going back to Liverpool on Saturday, but it probably was a true diss. Typical behavior from a not-so-typical guy.

5/31/09 :: Circus Intermission

2009-05-31T18:51:00.000-07:00

Truly fragile times from the evening saucing. Truly the Sabbath day of rest. My voice is totally gone.

5/30/9 :: Spring/Summer Collection

2009-05-30T18:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the second "graphic fashion" party-- celebrating bad fashion one more time. This time, it was themed the spring and summer collection. I re-ignited my good old gold suit by cutting off the arms and legs and adding some black tights. I even commemorated the last party by drinking my vodka coke out of a jack daniel's bottle.

The party was fan-fucking-tastic, as per usual. Lindsey and I lasted till about 6:30am before she left the party with Luke, and I lazed in Tom's bed. Finally, Jamie and I caught a taxi to meet Linds and Luke in the meadows. We had a good drunken frisbee session till 8am. Lindsey and I stayed up to go to Subway when it opened at 10am, and it was probbbbably the best sandwich of my life. Needless to say, when my head finally hit the pillow sometime around 11, I was done for.