Tuesday, June 16, 2009

6/16/9:: Spew

There is so much to be said, but I find myself pausing for long amounts of time over the keyboard.  I've avoided my blog and my livejournal for as long as possible.  How can I even begin to explain what I'm feeling?  I try to find closure, and I tear those feelings down because I have a right to be crushed and sad and ecstatic and nostalgic and full and free.  

The slow approach of my leaving Edinburgh crawls at me with the flipping of the calendar.  I hear my mom's voice telling me she misses me, and my stomach turns because I miss Scotland more already than I've missed anything I've ever been without.  

When I said goodbye to Shannon on Saturday, I couldn't bring myself to cry-- as much as I felt like I should.  In that moment, somehow I couldn't understand what kind of farewell it actually was.  My body programmed itself to believe that "I'll see you tomorrow" was a valid statement.  In reality, it will be a year before there is even the faint possibility of me seeing her in New York.  And after that, what becomes of that friendship?  The occasional facebook message or skype call.  A bunch of fading memories.

There have been literally... LITERALLY ENDLESS times where I've paused and truly realized how lucky I am.  Look at what I have been given. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my youth would be such a party.  NEVER in my most ridiculous imagination did I expect my adventures here to constitute such friendships and beautiful, amazing people.  I never dreamed I would ever go farther than Michigan.

I remember at age 16... looking at people's photos on the messageboard and wondering if my teen years would ever look so fun.  Wondering why I never had those kind of intensely sentimental experiences for myself.  Now I realize I've had more than one heart can hold.  

In Detroit, we have a design department-- and I have Josh.  Here in Edinburgh, I have a FAMILY.  And I'm not saying this in anyway to put down my friendship with Josh because he truly is one of the absolute loves of my life and the idea of seeing him again is one of the only things that makes leaving here okay.  But-- in all of my youth, I've always only had one best friend.  I've never been able to be one of those people who can put together a gathering of 30 people and feel surrounded by the love of friends.  I've only been here six months, and I finally have it.  It feels good to be a part of something like that.  It's the most amazing and painful thing, and I think the people here take it for granted because it is something they've always had.  I don't think they realize how lucky they are.  

I know that these words sound fake.  These words sound like the sort of thing you would expect anyone to say.
That's why it's fruitless.

There isn't any combination of words and sentences that could describe the feelings I am feeling.  It's mushy and sentimental-- but it's the truth and it has to be said.  

I try to stay positive and look forward to the future-- because who knows what it will bring.  I never knew it would bring me to this.  There's bound to be more good in the future.  

I hurt in ways I didn't know a heart could hurt.  Because it's not for a person-- it's for an entire stage of my growing up.  It's for 20 friendships.  It's for a city.  It's for a lifestyle.  
How do you find closure for a fleeting moment?

I'll never forget this feeling.

I'll update my blog properly soon.  But right now, I needed this.  I needed to say it.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

6/3/9:: Design Fail and The Bachelor

Another day of lazing.  I got up around 1pm, and I walked my unshowered self to HMV on Princes Street to buy the new PWolf album that was released on June 1st.  After seeing him perform it live and hearing it on myspace, I had a pretty good idea of what to expect-- I'd already memorized most of the tracks.  Still, I am floored by how powerful it is.  Can't wait to get it home and listen to it in my car.  I know at first I had my doubts about this new super-produced sound, but now I can't get enough of it.  Favorites: Hard Times, The Sun is Often Out, The Bachelor, Count of Casualty.

It was another day of watching my phone for Andy's call and trying to ignore the turning of the calendar.  

In other news, I have a motion piece due on Friday-- a title sequence for a television show called Get A Move On... a program about people buying and selling homes/property.  Since I don't have any video equipment here, I did a solid effort on putting together a stop-motion piece.  I was gutted to find that after three hours of work, I had made something shit-awful.  The camera was bouncing, the composition was stink, and the flash murdered everything.  I really hope I'm able to relocate my design talent over the summer...
Regardless, I've decided to give up on it and find something better to do on Friday than go to the critique.  I feel guilty, but it's not being assessed, and I know it won't matter.  Every time I get myself worked up over a project here, I am furious to find that it means nothing.  I guess I'm used to the pummeling CCS always gives to half-assed effort.  Also, I'm still a bit miffed at ECA about how I was treated when I turned in my assessment work.  I'll just make sure to make Friday count in some other way.

Speaking of assessment though... I go to view the senior's degree show tomorrow, as well as get my final marks for the two terms.  Should be an interesting day to say the least... 

We are the makers of music.
We are the dreamers of dreams.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

6/2/09:: Nick and Norah

Today was a bit of a bummer.  Andy left around 11am, and I was sad to see him go.  I had a lazy day and prepared myself for his call.  We had made plans to see each other again this evening.

I kept my phone glued to my side all day, periodically checking it to make sure I hadn't just not heard it ring.  Unfortunately, it was no mistake-- he never called.


I curled up in bed and watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.  Truly predictable and trend-a-rific, but I'm not ashamed to say that I enjoyed it.  

It really scares me that it's June now.  Now I will always know how many days are left in my adventure here.  There is so much about going home that scares me.  I'm not prepared to leave the life that I've been building here.  I will miss so much the way it has been so easy for me to meet people my own age, feel young-- and not to mention, just Edinburgh in general.  

Maybe that's why it was so hurtful when I didn't hear from Andy.  
I'm just really aware that happily ever after is getting shorter every day.

Monday, June 1, 2009

6/1/09 :: Jazz and Liverpool

Tonight, we went to The Jazz Bar-- a really lovely jazz place that I've been wanting to go to since February but just had never gotten around to it.  It was supposed to be a large group thing, but it turned out to be only the girls, Scott and Richy, and Tom McWilliam.  

I'm sure Tom must've wanted to punch himself in the face for being stuck with us for the night, but I really enjoyed his company.  He's going home for work placement on the tenth, and I probably won't be seeing him again.  It meant a lot to me that he came out.  Every time I hang out with him, I want to tell him that I wish I had gotten a chance to know him better.  But perhaps it won't be the last time I see him... so I shouldn't say things like that.

After some drinks and my first taste of Guinness (thanks Tom!), Dan and Claire showed up, and we decided to make a break for Cab Vol before it closed.  Not so surprisingly, the club was empty.  Dan spotted a guy in goofy glasses and plaid... and so I danced with him (obviously).  He asked me to go outside for a smoke, and I was surprised to find he was actually really lovely.

His name was Andy, and he was from Liverpool.  Andy and I decided to make a break for it and had the most smashing drunken walk home, perhaps in all of history.  I brought him back to my flat only to find my roommates had spotted Andy and I and had filmed us the whole way home. 

Anyway, Andy and I spent a really lovely night together, and I was truly sad when he left in the morning.    We smoked cigarettes as the sun came up and talked a lot about our families and music.  He made me laugh so, so much, and I felt really comfortable around him.  That's pretty rare-- at least for me.

I gave him my number, but he never called.  I'd like to think it's just because he's going back to Liverpool on Saturday, but it probably was a true diss.  Typical behavior from a not-so-typical guy.